#SorryFeminists The Wingman is Back on Twitter!

Angry, desert-crotched, feminist cunts attempted to get me banned from Twitter, but I’m back, and ready to be filthier than ever. Why you ask? Because I care about my fans!

First off I’d like to thank all of my filthy fans who tweeted at me, as well as reaching out to me via Facebook comments, messages and emails since my twitter was suspended on Thursday afternoon. It meant so much to me to know that I’m not just a one night stand you throw out after I provide Earth-shattering multiple orgasms, but we’re in a serious and downright dirty relationship.

I’ve certainly never been committed to one woman the way I am to entertaining my fans all over the world.

I’m sorry I wasn’t around the past few days to keep you entertained, provide advice, and sexually harass my female fans—I know you love that—but although I’d been a bit ill I was taking the time to work simultaneously on two books… One, the much-anticipated sequel to “The Wingman Chronicles,” and the other a novel k that is something different but, nevertheless sick and hilarious. You will hear more about that other uncouth project soon.

Judging by the many messages and comments I’ve received, many of you wanted to know why I was suspended, or put in what some refer to as “Twitter Jail.” The answer is: The Feminists.

Often times I use a trending topic, a hashtag (#) phrase and tweet a succession of jokes, many of them raunchy and offensive, which seem to go over well with my legion of amazing, filthy, followers. Last Tuesday, October 9th, I tweeted a multitude of jokes using the trending #sorryfeminists hashtag, which prompted many feminists to tweet their outrage toward me. My fans, however, quickly jumped to the defense of me, my jokes, and my book and tweeted right back at the angry, desert-crotched, feminist cunts.

Well the feminist haters, who weren’t even followers of mine but were somehow stalking my @wingmanbiz twitter account (probably hoping I would bring irrigation to their desert crotches) took things a step further and contacted twitter requesting I be suspended for my offensive tweets. Twitter immediately suspended my account and took a look at the case the feminists plead only to come to the conclusion that I’d done nothing against twitter rules, and they must reinstate my @wingmanbiz account.

So I’m back, and ready for creepin’. If you really wanna get back at the feminist cunts who kept you from my tweets for five days, let’s make my book “The Wingman Chronicles” a bestseller, and get it picked up as a TV series!

Let’s keep me blowing up so I could tour to every one of your cities for X-rated standup shows, book signings, breast signings, and ass signings, too. No cocks please.

Thanks for the support! I certainly have the greatest, most supportive, and filthiest fans in the world!

Always your Wingman,

James Holeva

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles available in E-book & paperback on Amazon

In the UK get The Wingman Chronicles right here!

The Wingman’s Guide to Sorostitution

The fall creepin’ semester is upon us and many clumsy virgins are walking around college campuses with perennial hard-ons in hopes that they’ll pop their first cherry or touch their first tit.

Think of the cash your parents are laying down for your “education” as an unlimited account to the Bunny Ranch. If you have trouble charming chicks, that means it’s time for a little sorostitution. You won’t have to worry about cockblocking yourself with meaningless chit-chat in the presence of sorority girls. They’re usually too wasted to require any sort of legitimate connection.

Let’s face it, it’s not unlikely for a sloppy sorostitute to drool over the guy who does the longest keg stand, or is a champion at beer pong. While in the real world of creepin’ those amazing feats won’t get you quite as far.

I find the easiest way to maneuver a sorority house hookup is to play the “Big” and the “Little” against each other. In a sorority a veteran member will take a new pledge on as her “Little Sister”… Like real life sisters, they’re immensely jealous of each other. Pick which sister you’re less attracted to, get her flirting with you, and the other sister will work to outdo her and it’ll go back and forth and if you’re lucky you’ll hook up with the Big and the Little, maybe even at the same time. Everybody wins.

Let’s break down some of the different types of sorostitutes.

THE PLEDGE: Girls in the rush process are often encouraged to hook up with the most pathetic guy as part of their hazing. Find out how much of an evil, twisted tyrant the pledge master is. The crazier they are, the more action you’ll see from an impressionable young rush.

THE WILD PARTY GIRL: It’s like spin the bottle, she could land anywhere.

THE UGLY SISTER: All sororities invite a few less attractive girls to pledge in order to make the hotties feel better about themselves. The Ugly Sister will be available and vulnerable. Aim for a sorority that’s so hot that the Ugly Sister is still pulling a six or seven rating.

THE SHY GIRL THAT GETS CRAZY: Quiet ones always have a dark side, get to know it.

THE GIRL TRYING TO KEEP UP WITH HER SISTERS: She’s so desperate and attention starved, you could get her to do anything. For you virgins, a first lay should be a lock. For more experienced players, use them to experience the off-the wall shit the girls you bring home to mother won’t give you.

THE MADAM, I mean the PRESIDENT: Sorority house royalty… Could be tough your first time out, but some of the bosses of the sorostitutes play games involving hooking up with desperate freshmen and virgins.

NOTE: BRING YOUR A-GAME

Word of a sub par performance spreads throughout a sorority house faster than crabs. To keep your reputation intact, you might wanna start with one of the nastier houses on campus. For insurance purposes make sure the foreplay is lengthy and fruitful. Eat em’ for twenty then you could fuck em’ for two… That’s how you get the stud status. And don’t forget to choke her.

 

My humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles” is now available on Amazon. Check out description, customer reviews and a free sample right here.

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles

BALLS: THE KEY TO PUSSY

Innocent guys stand around the bar arms crossed and fidgety as they look on in utter awe at the tight asses and pert breasts of bootie shaking, whored-up, wannabe socialites.

The creeping impaired look on as vultures swarm these vixens, showering them in a sea of attention that they eat up like a bulimic stripper at a Chinese buffet with a puke bucket.

Knowing there’s no way they’ll ever exchange words with the club-light enhanced enchantresses, the wallflowers instead clamor to a glimmer of hope that they might graze a breast or an ass cheek when one swaggers by.

As the night comes to an end, the awkward and unconfident observers go home alone to pleasure themselves with thoughts of the unattainable sensually grinding to Flo Rida. Sometimes they’re so apprehensive that their sexual fantasies turn into porn films where they themselves aren’t even starring, but instead they conjure the image of the Affliction-clad toolboxes they saw cling to the ladies at the club.

This all could have been averted if they just made a fucking move. Girls love a guy with balls. That’s kind of hard to find these days so if you could at the very least fake like you have some, a girl who’s drunk and impressionable could buy it and you might be lucky enough to get her on her knees. The girls have done it before, why wouldn’t they do it again?

Introduce yourself, but then play it cool. Don’t cling to her like she’s your favorite jerkoff pillow. Make her wonder about you. Don’t fix your eyes on her tits, ass, or belly ring… Look her in the eye. The reason being that it’ll make her nervous, and therefore set you apart from the rest of the lecherous scavengers that have been questing after her.

Suddenly she’ll be wondering:

         “Why isn’t he looking at my boobs, why isn’t he looking at my ass, I’m dressed like a whore can’t he see that? Oh god, I look like shit. Excuse me while I go throw up.”

If you make a move and a broad thinks you’re an asshole and finds you annoying, she’ll still have more respect for you – the guy who takes a shot – than the pussy who stands in the corner all night with the dudes like he’s at a junior high dance. Remember, just because you are a pussy, doesn’t mean you’re getting pussy. It doesn’t matter that the broads have bisexual tendencies.

Groups of guys constantly spend their boy’s night out cockblocking themselves with worry.

      What do I say to her?

      What if she doesn’t like me?

      How do I ask her out?

      When do I kiss her?

      How do I make a move to go further?

      When do I stick my dick in her?

      Is it okay to come on her face?

      When’s the right time to stick it in her ass?

      How do I know if it’s okay to ask for a threesome?

      When is the right time to pee on her?

      Would she think it was weird if I asked her to fuck me in the ass with a strap-on?

 

There’s an endless stream of questions guys are constantly contemplating which simply get in the way of buying a girl a drink, ripping her clothes off, and fucking the shit out of her. It’s simply that easy. Just try to be safe, girls could be dirty.

 

      My humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles” is now available on Amazon. Check out description, customer reviews and a free sample right here.

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles

Are you a Cockblocker?

Just about every group of girls has a cockblocker who does her best to keep the night from getting out of hand, or as I like to call it, becoming fun. No, you’re not protecting your friends, you’re making them hate you.

Obviously the guys trying to bang your buddies could do without you, but the reason your friends go out is not to hangout with you, catch up, chit-chat, support you through life’s foibles and milestones – nobody gives a fuck. The reason a girl gets dressed sexy, puts on uncomfortable heels or thigh high whore boots, and spends a night buying expensive drinks instead of sitting in bed drinking cheap boxed wine is to get fucked.

Who are you to stand in the way of that? A lot of your friends validate themselves by giving random guys bangs and blowjobs, and you’re looking to keep that from happening and take away a friend’s happiness? All I could say is how could you live with yourself?

But, granted a lot of you cockblockers are just cunts, however many of you possess self-delusion that keeps you from realizing how awful you are for everyone to be around. So I put together this guide that could help cockblockers figure out if they might be one so they could put a stop to it, or at least it could sink in for your friends that you’re stifling their adventure, and they should never talk to you again.

It’s very simple, you might be a cockblocker if…

 

You’re the least attractive girl in the group.

It doesn’t matter if you were the ace in the minors and are now relegated to bullpen status with the major league hotties, you’re still the one attracting the least amount of attention from guys.  Therefore, if guys are hitting on your friends and not you, you often defuse the situation so you’re not the only one without a dick to play with. You should either prove your worth by making out with girls in public, fucking guys in random places, and being more apt to degrade yourself, or go back to the minors where your troll-like looks will be more accepted.

You’re a prude.

Come on let’s face it, your friends go off at the end of the night with whoever looked decent, bought some shots and spun bullshit stories that made them drunkenly swoon and you called it an early night because you have respect for yourself and are saving it for a guy who means something. I know, I know, you’re not that kind of girl. Right, you’re a cunt instead. You really deserve to be dropped from your group of friends because you don’t exactly bring much to the table. In fact, your good girl act comes off kind of snobby. Not a turn-on.

You’re in a committed relationship, your friends are not.

You’ve been lucky enough to find that true love all ladies long for but you’re not gonna be that girl who drops her bitches. Yeah, well maybe they should drop you. Let me guess you party hard on the first couple cosmos and then 11 rolls around – “honey, you really should slow down. This place is dying down. I’m tired. You know how Ron gets if I’m out too late.” We get it, you have to go home and be miserable so why should your friends get to be dirty and happy?

You feel a need to protect your friends, or as I like to call it, ruin the party.

 Do you find yourself talking your friend out of things? “Do you really wanna do this with some random guy you just met, he’s only after one thing, he’ll like you more if you let him call you in the morning?” Maybe she doesn’t want to be liked more, maybe she’s drunk, horny and wants to have a rousing of round of rough sex with someone she’ll never see again. What’s wrong with that? We get it, nobody likes you and you want all of your friend’s attention for yourself.

You’re a new Mommy.

There are two types of mothers – moms who go out with the intention of being a whore on their day off — maybe they care about their kids, maybe they don’t, maybe they’re a good mother, maybe they’re awful, doesn’t matter at the bar — we like this type of Mommy. And then, there’s the Mom that goes out with her group of friends to brag how she has a baby and they don’t, and when a random dude is trying to makeout with your BFF you’re shoving baby pictures in her face. Your girlfriends do not care how cute your son who’s probably gonna turn out to be gay looked in his sailor outfit, they care about getting fucked. There’s a reason you no longer get as many texts to hangout, because you suck.

 

My humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles” is now available on Amazon. Check out description, customer reviews and a free sample right here.

My filthy novel “The Wingman Chronicles.”

Are You A Good Girlfriend? Part Two

The Long-Term Courtship

Ladies, you constantly complain about the passion and fun of your relationship dwindling as it develops into the long-term ordeal you’ve dreamed of since you were a little girl.

“He’s not the guy I thought he was, it’s not as fun as it used to be, he’s addicted to porn and all our pillowcases are stiffer than his cock gets when I touch it.”

All common courtship issues.

Quite honestly, I really do care about you people to try to fix these problems because a good portion of my pussy is being the “other man” for women unhappy in their current situation, yet another way I do my best to help. How have I not been awarded for my service?

Anyway, in my last blog post you broads asked yourselves if you were giving off signals that you’d be a good girlfriend in the early stages of getting to know each other, and in this one, I want you to reflect on your behavior once you’re well into a relationship.

Do you still fuck?

When you first started out you probably fucked five times a day  – it was one grand, constant orgasm  – but now do you fuck five times a year? The sex inevitably slows down for a variety of reasons – on both the guy and girl’s parts – you become complacent. Did you get comfortable, get stressed, get fat? Girls will often put on a few pounds in their relationship due to feeling so comfortable with the love of their life, busy, or simply  fucking lazy. So, they’ll not initiate the beautiful act of boning as much as they used to, or worse, consistently turn him away. It’s not about who started it, it’s about fixing the problem. Rape him every chance you get.

Is the fucking formulaic?

Do you still bang regularly, but too regularly? Is it Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 10, missionary style and then you finish off by pushing yourself on top?  What makes relationships sour, in every aspect, is routine. I get it. You have your job schedules, kid schedules, workout schedules, but do you really have to have a fuck schedule? Sex should be spontaneous in all aspects – times, places, and ways it’s done.

Do you suck his dick?

The most common thing I’ve seen in a relationship is blowjobs becoming a thing of the past. When it first started out you gave him one at night and one with his morning coffee but now he’s lucky if he gets a hummer for his birthday. Think of the advantages to fellatio – the ultimate power it gives you over him. The more blowjobs he’s getting the more he’s going to go out of his way for you in the bedroom – initiating sex, fulfilling foreplay, returning the favor – and out of the bedroom – buying you gifts, romantic gestures, his general demeanor. Show me a happy man and I’ll show you man who just got his dick sucked.

Do you have a ZZ Top concert between your legs?

The longer a girl is in a relationship, the more hair on her pussy. Get rid of that shit, for real. A girl’s definition of shaving her pussy seems to change once she’s in a relationship. You’ll say oh honey, I shaved and then still have half a Jew fro down there. Gross. Shaving means waxing. I like a bald pussy or a sexy landing strip, if I wanted a seventies porno bush I’d watch “Deep Throat” again. Every girl should have a professional do the job, Brazilian style. If you’re apprehensive read this article about the joys of a good poon wax by Calen “Kat” Spindler.

Do you talk down to him?

Come on, be serious. Really evaluate how to speak to him. Are there times you yell at him and tell him what to do? Worse, do you make fun of him, point out shortcomings and all around disrespect him in front of friends?

Do you take it up the ass?

Come on, don’t be such a bitch about the ass. It’s fun, it’s dirty, and if you think you don’t like it, that’s in your head. Every girl who hasn’t done the ass or has rarely done the ass will fight me on this one, but trust me, the ass has become a very popular option with the upstanding young ladies. See for yourself.

 

If you dig my blog check out my humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles.”

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles available in E-book & paperback on Amazon

The Wingman Chronicles on Amazon UK!

Are You a Good Girlfriend?

If you’re a girl who chronically complains that you can’t find a boyfriend and you have no idea why, like in most occurrences of male-female drama, it’s probably your fault.

You have some questions to ask yourself, and if you are answering yes to any of these, you have your answer. And by changing your behavior in the future, as long as you’re decent looking and not a complete cunt, you will find yourself saddled with the relationship torture you long for. I promise.

Like all great relationships it’ll be a modern day fairy tale where you’ll constantly boss your man around and act like awful things such as apple picking, looking at foliage and having kids are an absolute blast. To make things better, since you’re so comfortable with each other, you’ll be able to stop giving blowjobs and grow an afro between your legs. Relationships really are the greatest thing on earth.

Are You A Flake?

Be honest – did you repeatedly blow him off? I’m not saying stand him up at Burger King, but did you make plans on a Wednesday for the weekend and then not call him back, or have something else SUDDENLY come up that was more important than bonding over Whoppers with cheese?

Or, when he tried to make plans with you did you repeatedly give him “maybe,” “I’m not sure what I’m doing,” “Let me see what’s going on,” “Text me Saturday,” “Depends what the girls are doing,” “If I’m still alive?” Girls complain guys don’t make concrete plans anymore but when we attempt to you girls are hard to lock into a date, and often break plans. This is a much bigger problem with younger girls.

Are You A Flirt?

Did you meet up in the same club or block of bars you go to every weekend, mingling with the same crew of drunks? And when you’re at this place you go to because you “know everybody” which is code for “get guaranteed attention and not pay for a drink,” even though you’re supposed to be hanging with your new guy did you still flirt with all the usual suspects – some you’ve fucked, others you’ve blown, some with whom he’s witnessed you engage in a sloppy public display of  horniness?

When you’re out with him you’re his lady for the evening. I don’t give a fuck if you’re just talking, hanging out, casually dating – whatever the fuck you want to call it. You want to be treated like a lady, listen to Sinatra’s “Luck Be A Lady” before the next time you meet the dude you’re talking to at the bar.

Let Me Guess, They’re Just Your Friends…

That’s what you tell the guy you’re interested in when every guy at the bar flirts with you. You’re simply talking to your friends. Well, it comes off like you’re not interested and it’s rather rude. Go to a place you don’t know everybody – while I have banged, casually dated and been in serious relationships with girls more than a decade younger, and more than a decade older – while it’s difficult to pinpoint who’s crazier, I have to say this ADD is a problem with the younger girls. They’re like puppies distracted by shiny objects.

Hot/Cold?

You text right back for a few days or initiate contact leading to long bouts of banter, but then he sends you several texts and you ignore him for a day or two. Then, a day later you’re shooting him a text at 8 in the morning and going back and forth all day – then it stops again. We get it – you’re getting close but trying to avoid getting close, you like him but don’t want to seem too available, all guys cling to you and you don’t want that to happen with this one.

What all this really means is you like him but are afraid of getting hurt. To a guy this comes off as annoying and bitchy, and after a while a guy with balls and self respect figures ‘Fuck her, I know several interested broads who are only half as cunty.’

Don’t Listen to Your Friends

No girlfriend wants their friend to be happier than they are, and no guy friend wants their female BFF to bang anyone but them. The only person with an unbiased opinion is a gay guy. Not gay women, however, because like your straight guy friends, they just want to ravage you.

“I’m a Fuck Buddy, Not a Whore”

You get a text message at 2:15 a.m.  It’s your fuck buddy wondering if he could stop by. Hmm, what could that really mean?

He was out at the bar and his pathetic attempts to coax every decent looking broad into bed went unanswered, but it’s okay, he’ll fuck his sure thing. Yet, you didn’t get any of the free vodka tonics or lemon drops he was being worked for all night. It doesn’t sound terribly fair to you.

But what do you do? You tell him to come over, have a round of sex that’s average at best, and find yourself depressed about the encounter the next morning. Yet, a week later you get the same late night text, and provide the same result.

This isn’t what you signed up for. You were supposed to be a fuck buddy, not a whore. You’re a woman who wanted recurring commitment-free sex, yet at the same time you had some sort of self-respect. If you want to be treated like a lady, fucked like a whore and then do whatever you want the next day, it’s up to you to use your pussy power to do that.

(If you prefer the whore role, by all means I encourage you to be the whore your Momma raised you to be. But, this piece is for girls who enjoy dirty sex but still want to be treated like a human being. I’m a wingman for all.)

Real Truth, Not Girl Truth

When you tell a guy what you want, it’d be nice if you actually told him what you want. Not what you think he wants to hear, not what the persona you work to give off should say, not what your stupid friends tell you to say what you really want.

So many times girls will say: I just want to be your whore. I just want you to fuck me.  The sweet stuff makes me sick. If it’s not a dirty word, I don’t want to hear it.”

We do exactly as you say, and then find you cutting off our arrangement and hating us. For as much as you broads talk it’d be nice if you actually told the “real truth” once in a while. If you have a problem with something, be completely straight about it. Don’t give him some vague metaphor, or provide a map of clues. Trust me, he’s too stupid to find the buried treasure.

 

You’re Not On Call

When that late night spur of the moment text message comes in, ignore it. You’re not a consolation prize. And if he asks why you didn’t text back don’t pull the “I was sleeping” or “I didn’t see it bullshit.” Tell him that if you’re going to fuck, you need to be entertained first. Don’t worry – he’ll still want to fuck you. And if for some reason he doesn’t, it’ll take you five minutes to find a replacement fuck buddy. Remember, the weapon of mass destruction between your legs gives you control.

Make Him Woo

A hooker gets paid so why shouldn’t you? I’m not saying cash is handed to you before, during or after the filthy festivities but there’s no reason he can’t take you out for sushi, drinks  — or if he’s married and can’t be seen with you in public – provide a classy takeout dinner of pizza, wings and boxed wine.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Just because you’re not immersed in a committed courtship doesn’t mean he can’t act like somewhat of a decent human being when your clothes are on. He could actually be friendly, cordial, and kind, exemplifying pre and post bang chivalry. He doesn’t have to come home to you every night so he should be able to fake it for a little while.

 

If you enjoyed this check out my book “The Wingman Chronicles,” available in digital and paperback formats through Amazon and Amazon UK. Hope to see you at a standup show/book signing soon!

The Wingman Chronicles available on Amazon. Download, tell your friends, and leave a review!

The Wingman Chronicles on Amazon UK!