BALLS: THE KEY TO PUSSY

Innocent guys stand around the bar arms crossed and fidgety as they look on in utter awe at the tight asses and pert breasts of bootie shaking, whored-up, wannabe socialites.

The creeping impaired look on as vultures swarm these vixens, showering them in a sea of attention that they eat up like a bulimic stripper at a Chinese buffet with a puke bucket.

Knowing there’s no way they’ll ever exchange words with the club-light enhanced enchantresses, the wallflowers instead clamor to a glimmer of hope that they might graze a breast or an ass cheek when one swaggers by.

As the night comes to an end, the awkward and unconfident observers go home alone to pleasure themselves with thoughts of the unattainable sensually grinding to Flo Rida. Sometimes they’re so apprehensive that their sexual fantasies turn into porn films where they themselves aren’t even starring, but instead they conjure the image of the Affliction-clad toolboxes they saw cling to the ladies at the club.

This all could have been averted if they just made a fucking move. Girls love a guy with balls. That’s kind of hard to find these days so if you could at the very least fake like you have some, a girl who’s drunk and impressionable could buy it and you might be lucky enough to get her on her knees. The girls have done it before, why wouldn’t they do it again?

Introduce yourself, but then play it cool. Don’t cling to her like she’s your favorite jerkoff pillow. Make her wonder about you. Don’t fix your eyes on her tits, ass, or belly ring… Look her in the eye. The reason being that it’ll make her nervous, and therefore set you apart from the rest of the lecherous scavengers that have been questing after her.

Suddenly she’ll be wondering:

         “Why isn’t he looking at my boobs, why isn’t he looking at my ass, I’m dressed like a whore can’t he see that? Oh god, I look like shit. Excuse me while I go throw up.”

If you make a move and a broad thinks you’re an asshole and finds you annoying, she’ll still have more respect for you – the guy who takes a shot – than the pussy who stands in the corner all night with the dudes like he’s at a junior high dance. Remember, just because you are a pussy, doesn’t mean you’re getting pussy. It doesn’t matter that the broads have bisexual tendencies.

Groups of guys constantly spend their boy’s night out cockblocking themselves with worry.

      What do I say to her?

      What if she doesn’t like me?

      How do I ask her out?

      When do I kiss her?

      How do I make a move to go further?

      When do I stick my dick in her?

      Is it okay to come on her face?

      When’s the right time to stick it in her ass?

      How do I know if it’s okay to ask for a threesome?

      When is the right time to pee on her?

      Would she think it was weird if I asked her to fuck me in the ass with a strap-on?

 

There’s an endless stream of questions guys are constantly contemplating which simply get in the way of buying a girl a drink, ripping her clothes off, and fucking the shit out of her. It’s simply that easy. Just try to be safe, girls could be dirty.

 

      My humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles” is now available on Amazon. Check out description, customer reviews and a free sample right here.

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles

Are You A Good Girlfriend? Part Two

The Long-Term Courtship

Ladies, you constantly complain about the passion and fun of your relationship dwindling as it develops into the long-term ordeal you’ve dreamed of since you were a little girl.

“He’s not the guy I thought he was, it’s not as fun as it used to be, he’s addicted to porn and all our pillowcases are stiffer than his cock gets when I touch it.”

All common courtship issues.

Quite honestly, I really do care about you people to try to fix these problems because a good portion of my pussy is being the “other man” for women unhappy in their current situation, yet another way I do my best to help. How have I not been awarded for my service?

Anyway, in my last blog post you broads asked yourselves if you were giving off signals that you’d be a good girlfriend in the early stages of getting to know each other, and in this one, I want you to reflect on your behavior once you’re well into a relationship.

Do you still fuck?

When you first started out you probably fucked five times a day  – it was one grand, constant orgasm  – but now do you fuck five times a year? The sex inevitably slows down for a variety of reasons – on both the guy and girl’s parts – you become complacent. Did you get comfortable, get stressed, get fat? Girls will often put on a few pounds in their relationship due to feeling so comfortable with the love of their life, busy, or simply  fucking lazy. So, they’ll not initiate the beautiful act of boning as much as they used to, or worse, consistently turn him away. It’s not about who started it, it’s about fixing the problem. Rape him every chance you get.

Is the fucking formulaic?

Do you still bang regularly, but too regularly? Is it Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 10, missionary style and then you finish off by pushing yourself on top?  What makes relationships sour, in every aspect, is routine. I get it. You have your job schedules, kid schedules, workout schedules, but do you really have to have a fuck schedule? Sex should be spontaneous in all aspects – times, places, and ways it’s done.

Do you suck his dick?

The most common thing I’ve seen in a relationship is blowjobs becoming a thing of the past. When it first started out you gave him one at night and one with his morning coffee but now he’s lucky if he gets a hummer for his birthday. Think of the advantages to fellatio – the ultimate power it gives you over him. The more blowjobs he’s getting the more he’s going to go out of his way for you in the bedroom – initiating sex, fulfilling foreplay, returning the favor – and out of the bedroom – buying you gifts, romantic gestures, his general demeanor. Show me a happy man and I’ll show you man who just got his dick sucked.

Do you have a ZZ Top concert between your legs?

The longer a girl is in a relationship, the more hair on her pussy. Get rid of that shit, for real. A girl’s definition of shaving her pussy seems to change once she’s in a relationship. You’ll say oh honey, I shaved and then still have half a Jew fro down there. Gross. Shaving means waxing. I like a bald pussy or a sexy landing strip, if I wanted a seventies porno bush I’d watch “Deep Throat” again. Every girl should have a professional do the job, Brazilian style. If you’re apprehensive read this article about the joys of a good poon wax by Calen “Kat” Spindler.

Do you talk down to him?

Come on, be serious. Really evaluate how to speak to him. Are there times you yell at him and tell him what to do? Worse, do you make fun of him, point out shortcomings and all around disrespect him in front of friends?

Do you take it up the ass?

Come on, don’t be such a bitch about the ass. It’s fun, it’s dirty, and if you think you don’t like it, that’s in your head. Every girl who hasn’t done the ass or has rarely done the ass will fight me on this one, but trust me, the ass has become a very popular option with the upstanding young ladies. See for yourself.

 

If you dig my blog check out my humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles.”

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles available in E-book & paperback on Amazon

The Wingman Chronicles on Amazon UK!

Are You a Good Girlfriend?

If you’re a girl who chronically complains that you can’t find a boyfriend and you have no idea why, like in most occurrences of male-female drama, it’s probably your fault.

You have some questions to ask yourself, and if you are answering yes to any of these, you have your answer. And by changing your behavior in the future, as long as you’re decent looking and not a complete cunt, you will find yourself saddled with the relationship torture you long for. I promise.

Like all great relationships it’ll be a modern day fairy tale where you’ll constantly boss your man around and act like awful things such as apple picking, looking at foliage and having kids are an absolute blast. To make things better, since you’re so comfortable with each other, you’ll be able to stop giving blowjobs and grow an afro between your legs. Relationships really are the greatest thing on earth.

Are You A Flake?

Be honest – did you repeatedly blow him off? I’m not saying stand him up at Burger King, but did you make plans on a Wednesday for the weekend and then not call him back, or have something else SUDDENLY come up that was more important than bonding over Whoppers with cheese?

Or, when he tried to make plans with you did you repeatedly give him “maybe,” “I’m not sure what I’m doing,” “Let me see what’s going on,” “Text me Saturday,” “Depends what the girls are doing,” “If I’m still alive?” Girls complain guys don’t make concrete plans anymore but when we attempt to you girls are hard to lock into a date, and often break plans. This is a much bigger problem with younger girls.

Are You A Flirt?

Did you meet up in the same club or block of bars you go to every weekend, mingling with the same crew of drunks? And when you’re at this place you go to because you “know everybody” which is code for “get guaranteed attention and not pay for a drink,” even though you’re supposed to be hanging with your new guy did you still flirt with all the usual suspects – some you’ve fucked, others you’ve blown, some with whom he’s witnessed you engage in a sloppy public display of  horniness?

When you’re out with him you’re his lady for the evening. I don’t give a fuck if you’re just talking, hanging out, casually dating – whatever the fuck you want to call it. You want to be treated like a lady, listen to Sinatra’s “Luck Be A Lady” before the next time you meet the dude you’re talking to at the bar.

Let Me Guess, They’re Just Your Friends…

That’s what you tell the guy you’re interested in when every guy at the bar flirts with you. You’re simply talking to your friends. Well, it comes off like you’re not interested and it’s rather rude. Go to a place you don’t know everybody – while I have banged, casually dated and been in serious relationships with girls more than a decade younger, and more than a decade older – while it’s difficult to pinpoint who’s crazier, I have to say this ADD is a problem with the younger girls. They’re like puppies distracted by shiny objects.

Hot/Cold?

You text right back for a few days or initiate contact leading to long bouts of banter, but then he sends you several texts and you ignore him for a day or two. Then, a day later you’re shooting him a text at 8 in the morning and going back and forth all day – then it stops again. We get it – you’re getting close but trying to avoid getting close, you like him but don’t want to seem too available, all guys cling to you and you don’t want that to happen with this one.

What all this really means is you like him but are afraid of getting hurt. To a guy this comes off as annoying and bitchy, and after a while a guy with balls and self respect figures ‘Fuck her, I know several interested broads who are only half as cunty.’

Don’t Listen to Your Friends

No girlfriend wants their friend to be happier than they are, and no guy friend wants their female BFF to bang anyone but them. The only person with an unbiased opinion is a gay guy. Not gay women, however, because like your straight guy friends, they just want to ravage you.

“I’m a Fuck Buddy, Not a Whore”

You get a text message at 2:15 a.m.  It’s your fuck buddy wondering if he could stop by. Hmm, what could that really mean?

He was out at the bar and his pathetic attempts to coax every decent looking broad into bed went unanswered, but it’s okay, he’ll fuck his sure thing. Yet, you didn’t get any of the free vodka tonics or lemon drops he was being worked for all night. It doesn’t sound terribly fair to you.

But what do you do? You tell him to come over, have a round of sex that’s average at best, and find yourself depressed about the encounter the next morning. Yet, a week later you get the same late night text, and provide the same result.

This isn’t what you signed up for. You were supposed to be a fuck buddy, not a whore. You’re a woman who wanted recurring commitment-free sex, yet at the same time you had some sort of self-respect. If you want to be treated like a lady, fucked like a whore and then do whatever you want the next day, it’s up to you to use your pussy power to do that.

(If you prefer the whore role, by all means I encourage you to be the whore your Momma raised you to be. But, this piece is for girls who enjoy dirty sex but still want to be treated like a human being. I’m a wingman for all.)

Real Truth, Not Girl Truth

When you tell a guy what you want, it’d be nice if you actually told him what you want. Not what you think he wants to hear, not what the persona you work to give off should say, not what your stupid friends tell you to say what you really want.

So many times girls will say: I just want to be your whore. I just want you to fuck me.  The sweet stuff makes me sick. If it’s not a dirty word, I don’t want to hear it.”

We do exactly as you say, and then find you cutting off our arrangement and hating us. For as much as you broads talk it’d be nice if you actually told the “real truth” once in a while. If you have a problem with something, be completely straight about it. Don’t give him some vague metaphor, or provide a map of clues. Trust me, he’s too stupid to find the buried treasure.

 

You’re Not On Call

When that late night spur of the moment text message comes in, ignore it. You’re not a consolation prize. And if he asks why you didn’t text back don’t pull the “I was sleeping” or “I didn’t see it bullshit.” Tell him that if you’re going to fuck, you need to be entertained first. Don’t worry – he’ll still want to fuck you. And if for some reason he doesn’t, it’ll take you five minutes to find a replacement fuck buddy. Remember, the weapon of mass destruction between your legs gives you control.

Make Him Woo

A hooker gets paid so why shouldn’t you? I’m not saying cash is handed to you before, during or after the filthy festivities but there’s no reason he can’t take you out for sushi, drinks  — or if he’s married and can’t be seen with you in public – provide a classy takeout dinner of pizza, wings and boxed wine.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Just because you’re not immersed in a committed courtship doesn’t mean he can’t act like somewhat of a decent human being when your clothes are on. He could actually be friendly, cordial, and kind, exemplifying pre and post bang chivalry. He doesn’t have to come home to you every night so he should be able to fake it for a little while.

 

If you enjoyed this check out my book “The Wingman Chronicles,” available in digital and paperback formats through Amazon and Amazon UK. Hope to see you at a standup show/book signing soon!

The Wingman Chronicles available on Amazon. Download, tell your friends, and leave a review!

The Wingman Chronicles on Amazon UK!

Cheating with a Cheating Bitch

Chrystal Rose, author of “Unfaithfully Yours,

Confessions of a Cheating Bitch”

Has anyone out there ever cheated, wanted to cheat, tried to convince themselves that what they did wasn’t cheating?

Chrystal Rose has cheated, and admits every detail about it in her newly released memoir “Unfaithfully Yours, Confessions of a Cheating Bitch,” which was released appropriately on Valentine’s Day – a day of lot of cheaters try to ease their guilt with a romantic outing with the, ahem “love of their life.”

It’s sexy, it’s raw but told in a humorous and conversational manner. Rose, aka, “The Cheating Bitch,” will be making her first foray into standup comedy with an appearance on my show in Boston, Mass. Saturday night at The Greatest Bar. Showtime is 8, and she’ll be selling and signing copies of her book after the show.

Rose offers her insight, and breaks down all things cheating in this Q & A.

What made you want to cheat?

I never really wanted to cheat, I was just young and selfish as hell! I wanted the security of the guy who’d always be there and the excitement of someone new…Basically I wanted to have my cake, eat it and lick the frosting off my fingers.

 

While you were having sex with your boyfriend did you ever yell out one of your other men’s names? What about while you were having an affair? Did you ever yell out your boyfriend’s name?

No, because I usually tried to avoid calling out names in general. Unless of course your name is “Oh my God” or “Oh fuckkk!”

You have a background as an author, blogger, and improviser, how do you feel about making your standup comedy debut in Boston? What should we expect from the Cheating Bitch?

I’m fucking petrified but excited at the same time. I’d always wanted to do standup but I never really had the time. I’m sure I’ll be nervous as hell– I always am no matter what sort of performing I’m doing. You can expect to laugh at me (maybe not my jokes), some sexiness, some filthiness and maybe even some same-sex kissing. Who knows, with the Wingman in tow– anything can happen.

What advice would you have for the young ladies out there who are interested in cheating?

Haha, I love this… Seriously I don’t condone cheating! Not only is it dishonest and selfish but it totally hinders you from being who you really are. If you don’t want to get caught– don’t cheat. But if you must– don’t be sloppy! People get caught because they leave their emails up or their sig other goes through their phone–

1. Don’t leave that shit around.

2. What are you sentimental or something?? DELETE, DELETE, DELETE. Also make sure your “Mister” knows the fucking rules. I outline those on page 147…

3. Don’t be obvious. Seriously. If you get a sketchy text or random call– don’t dive across the room to your phone. You look fucking shady.

4. Make sure your Mister/Mistress knows the damn rules– i.e. when they are and aren’t allowed to call/text if at all. This saves you from having to be on 24/7 phone watch.

5. At the very least get a bat phone but either way don’t leave that shit around and what are you sentimental or something?? DELETE, DELETE, DELETE. Don’t save anything incriminating.

6. When it comes to your alibi– Don’t just go around making shit up. If you went to a movie on the other side of town you better know what the fuck that movie was about, who was in it, what the traffic was like on the way to the theater, whether there was construction blocking the side entrance, to the nerdy teen behind the concession stand. The key here is to keep your lies as close to the truth as possible. That means if you say you’re going to the movie– go to the fucking movie. If you’re going to a certain bar– go to the fucking bar. The only lie should be about WHO you are with as opposed to what you did.

7. Don’t change. Anything. Your routine, your sex life with your sig other– not even your fucking grooming tactics. If you’re a man you’re pretty fucked because women can smell the slightest change in your demeanor. We know your habits better than you do and it’s only a matter of time before you’re fighting every second of the day–whether she thinks you’re cheating or not.

8. Keep your head in the game. Cheaters tend to project their behavior onto their sig other. Don’t accuse him/her of cheating or anything that you yourself are doing. Also, your mind will fuck with you because unless you’re a sociopath you’re going to feel somewhat guilty. Resist the urge to change your demeanor for the positive. For example if you don’t spend the night at home, you feel guilty and then come home with roses. Don’t. Fucking. Do. That.

9. Be honest with your Mister/Mistress. You’re already lying to one person– this is the person you shouldn’t have to lie to because from the get go you have nothing to lose with them. You’re going to really fuck yourself over if you try to keep track of two sets of lies.

10. Determine what you are looking to get out of cheating– Sex? Intimacy? Someone to listen to you? Whatever it is make sure that’s all you’re getting. It’s easy to get caught up in one person because they are giving you what you need, but if you aren’t going to leave the person you’re with for them– then you are going to develop an attachment on one side or the other. And that will fuck you over.

11. Personally, I think it’s better to either make it work with the one you’re with or cut it off completely if it won’t work.

What would you say it takes to really constitute cheating? E.G. Talking, cyber/sexting, making out, hooking up, going all the way.

I think cheating is straying outside the parameters of your relationship. If your sig other is okay with you making out with strangers when you are drunk then it’s not cheating. If you have a secret online relationship with someone and your partner doesn’t know about it, then that can be considered cheating. Cheating isn’t an act–it’s a betrayal. Betraying your partner constitutes cheating.

Looking back, how do you feel now about the cheating you did in your book?

I look back and see a girl who was really struggling with who she was and who she wanted to be. I wasn’t enough for myself, I didn’t feel like I was enough for my family and I wanted to be everything to everyone. I wanted to prove that I was lovable and that I could have whoever I wanted. Making men fall for me filled all the emptiness I’d had inside since I was a little girl.

Regardless of whether cheating is right or wrong it was something I needed to do and it shaped who I am today. I’m better for it and I can’t sit here and regret every horrible thing I’ve done– no one should. You can fuck up and then decide that for whatever reason you’re done. You can change yourself, your pattern, your life– whatever. You don’t have to live that way.

Have you ever been cheated on?

Yes in like middle school but it was stupid. As far as I know I haven’t been really cheated on in a grown up relationship. Though I was pretty certain an ex of mine was I just never found anything. So technically no… But let’s be serious here– who the FUCK would cheat on me??

Get your TICKETS right here to see Chrystal Rose make her standup comedy debut in Boston on my show Saturday at The Greatest Bar at 8 p.m. You could purchase a signed copy of her book after the show. Also performing are Boston area comics Theresa Condito, and Brian Pellicano.

Purchase Tickets.

Chrystal Rose’s book is available right here through Amazon.com.

“Unfaithfully Yours Confessions of a Cheating Bitch”

You could also check out sample chapters on Chrystal’s Blog.

PTA MEETIN’ CREEPIN’ Teaser

 By James Holeva

A divorced father’s halfway house after being released from prison.

The end of a committed (or seemingly committed) relationship is like getting released from prison.

There’s the minimum security country club with ping pong and tennis – a girlfriend.

The medium security facility – a wife, but no kids.

And the maximum security penitentiary complete with sodomy, weight lifting in the yard, and the hole – wife, kids, maybe even a mortgage.
I don’t know if your wife went for sodomy, and, or, if you worked out, however you were probably allotted time in the yard. If you had a house in the suburbs, someone had to cut the grass.

What location you live in would determine if anyone ever tried to shank or shiv you, although I believe they’re the same thing.

When you’ve just been released from Shawshank you don’t go right back into normal society, you start out in a halfway house.

Divorced with kids, you’re an institutionalized man now. Unless you were smart enough to cheat on your wife, you’re starting over in a rude and unfamiliar world. You’ve forgotten all your old moves, and it’s time to hone whatever skills you had, once again.

You need your halfway house if you’re ever gonna find your way back to the G-spot. Your game and confidence is shot. Chances are your ex got your balls in the divorce. It depends how good her lawyer was.

If you lost your jewels in a nasty custody battle, or are still fighting for them along with your house, SUV, and actual jewels, I think it’s time for you to volunteer with the local chapter of the Parent Teacher’s Association: The PTA.

Doing good will make you feel good, and aid in the regrowth of your testicles. Hahaha, I’m joking completely.

However, this is no joke. Attending a PTA meeting is like going to a brothel where you don’t have to pay. Not too many men roll through these meetings, so the women are like horny vultures.

 

Look for “The Wingman Chronicles” hitting book stores in next year to read the rest of the story!

The Wingman: High Class Player Teaser

By James Holeva

I may be a player, but I’m not “The Situation,” I’m Sinatra.

Just because I enjoy the company of many different women, and I have the skills to make that happen, don’t lump me in with those those low class, hack, wannabe Jersey Shore type players. I’m a high class player with the swagger and style of an old-school gentleman.

Like The Ratpack making the rounds in Vegas… What I may lack in crooning ability, I make up for by knowing what to say.

You’ll often hear a girl preach to a friend about the ills of a player, but ladies, why wouldn’t you want a player?

He knows how to treat a lady, woo a lady, fuck a lady…

Would you prefer a man who knows what he’s doing or a bumbling idiot who has no idea what to say or how to act? Let alone where to put his dick, or how to use his tongue?

Sex is one thing. A skilled lover is nice. But do you want a charming guy with confidence and swagger who knows how to open the door, compliment you, and sweep you off your feet? Or do you want a guy who doesn’t have the balls to look you in the eye, and make a move?

In most jobs, they look for real world business experience, why should dating be any different?

Look for “The Wingman Chronicles” hitting book stores in next year to read the rest of the story!

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