BALLS: THE KEY TO PUSSY

Innocent guys stand around the bar arms crossed and fidgety as they look on in utter awe at the tight asses and pert breasts of bootie shaking, whored-up, wannabe socialites.

The creeping impaired look on as vultures swarm these vixens, showering them in a sea of attention that they eat up like a bulimic stripper at a Chinese buffet with a puke bucket.

Knowing there’s no way they’ll ever exchange words with the club-light enhanced enchantresses, the wallflowers instead clamor to a glimmer of hope that they might graze a breast or an ass cheek when one swaggers by.

As the night comes to an end, the awkward and unconfident observers go home alone to pleasure themselves with thoughts of the unattainable sensually grinding to Flo Rida. Sometimes they’re so apprehensive that their sexual fantasies turn into porn films where they themselves aren’t even starring, but instead they conjure the image of the Affliction-clad toolboxes they saw cling to the ladies at the club.

This all could have been averted if they just made a fucking move. Girls love a guy with balls. That’s kind of hard to find these days so if you could at the very least fake like you have some, a girl who’s drunk and impressionable could buy it and you might be lucky enough to get her on her knees. The girls have done it before, why wouldn’t they do it again?

Introduce yourself, but then play it cool. Don’t cling to her like she’s your favorite jerkoff pillow. Make her wonder about you. Don’t fix your eyes on her tits, ass, or belly ring… Look her in the eye. The reason being that it’ll make her nervous, and therefore set you apart from the rest of the lecherous scavengers that have been questing after her.

Suddenly she’ll be wondering:

         “Why isn’t he looking at my boobs, why isn’t he looking at my ass, I’m dressed like a whore can’t he see that? Oh god, I look like shit. Excuse me while I go throw up.”

If you make a move and a broad thinks you’re an asshole and finds you annoying, she’ll still have more respect for you – the guy who takes a shot – than the pussy who stands in the corner all night with the dudes like he’s at a junior high dance. Remember, just because you are a pussy, doesn’t mean you’re getting pussy. It doesn’t matter that the broads have bisexual tendencies.

Groups of guys constantly spend their boy’s night out cockblocking themselves with worry.

      What do I say to her?

      What if she doesn’t like me?

      How do I ask her out?

      When do I kiss her?

      How do I make a move to go further?

      When do I stick my dick in her?

      Is it okay to come on her face?

      When’s the right time to stick it in her ass?

      How do I know if it’s okay to ask for a threesome?

      When is the right time to pee on her?

      Would she think it was weird if I asked her to fuck me in the ass with a strap-on?

 

There’s an endless stream of questions guys are constantly contemplating which simply get in the way of buying a girl a drink, ripping her clothes off, and fucking the shit out of her. It’s simply that easy. Just try to be safe, girls could be dirty.

 

      My humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles” is now available on Amazon. Check out description, customer reviews and a free sample right here.

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles

The Wingman’s Guide to Eating Pussy

Eating pussy is like a French Kiss, but down there. It’s passionate, it’s erotic, it’s sweet and it’s dirty — and you’re either good or atrocious. If you’re proficient, you will be rewarded. If you’re inept, she won’t want you anywhere near it.

As guys it’s important for us to perform cunnilingus to level the playing field that exists in any sexual tug of war. Make no mistake the pussy does have the power — we’ve established that — but muff-diving is our way to take control of it. Girls that say they don’t enjoy cunnilingus, or won’t let a guy go down on them, say so for one reason: Because they are afraid to let another have control of their weapon of mass destruction.

The problem is the majority of guys don’t know what the fuck they’re doing down there, and unlike a simple dick, a vagina is a formidable beast to tame. As your Wingman I thought it best I break down the techniques I regularly use to turn a girl into a squirter.

It’s not a fucking lollipop

There’s no point of putting your head down there and licking back and forth because it doesn’t have a chewy Tootsie Roll center. Start out slow and gentle, then increase your pace and intensity until you’re mauling her poon, spreading it wide open as you alternate between licks, tongue-fucks, and swirls. Also, varying your tongue motions will keep you from cramping.

 

She’s got the magic clit

Make no mistake, the clit is the real G-spot. You flick that fucker and the control will belong to you. Don’t be afraid to get aggressive. Lick, suck, nibble, and use your fingers.

Learn to multitask

Put your tongue to work on her clit as you finger-bang her pussy, then fire your tongue back inside her while you rub the clit. Then mix up the order. Also, multitasking isn’t only happening in the crotch-vicinity. Grab her thighs, squeeze her hips, slap her ass… Just because you’re eating an order of raw clams doesn’t mean you don’t sample some of the other menu items, or pay attention to the rest of your guests at the table.

Know your audience

Although it may be trimmed just so that it appears to be a clone of a vagina you’ve seen before, no two pussies are alike. You need to feel out how your broad is reacting and assess what she’s reacting to, and adjust your act accordingly. Don’t follow any set plan. Eating pussy is like playing improvisational jazz, and no two shows should ever be alike. Pay attention to what your audience is giving you, and respond accordingly. You’re making direct contact it’s not hard to tell which motions ignite awe-inspiring ecstasy. Observe the way her body contorts — her legs tensing up, back arching, pussy drooling on your face like when you sleep with your dog – the moves you’re making at that moment are your best options.

Have fun down there, slugger…

If you watching a movie and an actor’s performance seems forced and stiff you don’t enjoy it nearly as much as if it was relaxed and natural. Have fun down there. While a girl could get away with going through the motions while a cock’s in her mouth because chances are we’re still going to cum, girls require a mental connection and maintain great attention to detail. If she doesn’t see you having a ball between her legs all you’re going to do is give her a desert crotch. She’ll be too dry and chafed for you to stick your cock in, and too annoyed to suck your dick.

Enjoy your meal

Often times pussy tastes good, however if it tastes like raw sewage you need to still make her think it has the flavor of your favorite dessert. This is your chance to fake it, just like women do everyday. Force it down, compliment her, and smile just like you did when she cooked you shitty organic health-food a couple hours earlier. Lying is always a part of creepin’ – even when you’re naked.

 

My humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles” is now available on Amazon. Check out description, customer reviews and a free sample right here.

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles

Pussy Power!

   Sometimes I’m a wingman for women, too. It’s easy because they hold weapons of mass destruction between their legs.

 

The only reason women get fucked over by guys is because they don’t realize the power they have over guys. They’re stupid.

Females are in a natural position of male control and dominance because they have a weapon of mass destruction concealed conveniently between their legs. Anybody of remedial intelligence should realize by now that the pussy has the power.

The problem is so many girls meet guys who string them along for an eternity, and the ladies somehow forget that they themselves are armed and dangerous.

Don’t give me that, “who is a player like you to comment on such a situation? You’re the problem.”

No, no, no. If you’ll remember from the piece I wrote last week, I’m a high class player. What I do is not breaking a bitch, an adventure with me means everybody wins. We all get fucked… But in a good way. Remember, I’m an old school gentleman.

Sadly, though, even the most confident, self-empowered women are often allowing hack, wannabe players to control them and break them down. It’s awful when that happens because once they finally break free from their jail sentence, they’re extra careful. Even around a high class player like me who would provide her a mental orgasm to a level she could only have with another woman. It’s bad for the guys who deserve to get laid.

The biggest problem is women allow themselves to get so wrapped up in the wrong guy, and they get this idea that their man has the desirability of Johnny Depp, or me. That usually isn’t the case. These broads go into a constant negative mode saying:

“He’s with another girl. I know he’s with another girl. He’s done with me. I’m never gonna hear from him again.”

It’s been twenty minutes.

“I just know he’s fucking somebody. I know he fucks other girls all the time.”

ME: “Is he good looking?”

GIRL: “No. “

ME: “Is he rich?”

GIRL: “No.”

ME: “Is he smart?”

GIRL: “No.”

ME: “Is he smooth?”

GIRL: “No.”

ME: “Is he confident?”

GIRL: “No.”

ME: “Does he have a cool job with mystique and/or financial potential?”

GIRL: “No.”

ME: “Does he have game?”

GIRL: “No.”

So where is this Warren Beatty appeal that’s wrangling all the pussy?

It all comes from the challenge to please a guy that seems at times like he can’t live without you, and moments later like he never wants to see you again. Girls utilize a hot and cold strategy just as much as guys, except guys don’t have an almighty vagina to hold over the girls.

First off, why the fuck do you care about this guy? And second, what makes you believe that any other girl could actually be interested in him?

Girls always have a feeling that the guy, who won’t make it official, is out trying to hook up with other girls. And he is. He wants to prove to himself that he could get other ass. Some guys can, but in a lot of cases, these guys could try all they want but just can’t close.

A female friend of mine was having some problems with a dude who didn’t want to commit. Although I’m not about commitment right now, I did my best to be my friend’s wingman, so I said “why don’t you just step up and cut him off for a while?”

She said, “My greatest fear is that if I cancel on him now, he’ll just end up fucking somebody else.”

I’m like “You know it’s really not that easy.” He’s way more likely to be jealous that you’ll hookup with somebody else. It’s so much easier for a girl to get laid. Pretty much any girl could call up a random guy and get laid anytime she wants.

GIRL: “Hey Billy, this is Tina. You don’t know me, but I was thinking maybe I could come over and suck your dick… Would that work for you?”

GUY: “Ugh, yeah… My Momma still up but she go to bed by midnight. Actually come over now and I’ll slip some drugs in her cup a’ tea so she pass out. Momma got the bed in the house, so I’ll put her on the stoop.”

Unless you’re a celebrity or a sultan, it’s not so easy for guys. I know how to creep, I’ve been with a lot of chicks. But it’s still rare to be able to call a girl… No date, no woo, and just fast forward to fucking.

I can’t call a girl and be like: “Yo Nikki, it’s James. I was thinking I’d come over and blow my load in your face tonight. No, no dinner. I already ate. I just wanna pin your knees behind your ears.”

Yeah, that’s not happening. The pussy has the power. When you ladies start realizing your pussy has the power you’ll eliminate a vast abundance of relationship drama, and be free to enjoy the limitless control you have over guys.

If you want to regain the power, it’s time for a time out.

I do it with drunken strippers who cause an embarrassing scene and yack in my car, and you could do it with your indecisive man. How will he ever learn without discipline?

All you have to do is nothing. The next time he contacts you – text, Facebook, email, phone, Skype, smoke signals, singing telegram – you ignore him for twenty-four hours from that moment. But if that twenty-four hours takes you into the wee hours of the night, you round to the next day, in the afternoon.

You don’t want to make contact in the middle of the night because that’s a sign of weakness. It shows you’re lonely, alone, and thinking about him. Early morning doesn’t work either because that shows him you wake up and he’s the first thing on your mind.

I know you’re going to look for ways to skate around this. You’ll rationalize: “I didn’t text him, I emailed him… He saw I was in the Facebook chat… I answered the phone but that’s because I answered real quick and couldn’t see who it was.”

Those are weak excuses, and if you continue to act weak on your own, how could you ever take the power in this relationship tug o’ war?

Why Time Out?

It will shift the struggle for power. He’ll be blowing up your phone, and his stomach will be in knots because he’ll be scared to death that you’re in the throes of passion with another gentleman caller. Remember, it’s so much easier for a girl to get laid. And even if they won’t admit it every guy knows the pussy has the power.

Text Decoy

When trying to play it cool or conduct a time out, girls and guys; we all have a roller coaster ride of emotions  going through our bodies that keeps us on the edge of a breakdown making it nearly impossible to not make contact. You’ll find yourself wanting to say everything from “I love you,” to “I hope your dick falls off and burns from all the dirty whores you’re fucking.”

You know some things nice, others, a little hurtful. Relationships are tough.

Since your feelings will be erratic and those messages might not better your situation, you need to find yourself a text decoy.

Whatever you want to say, say to a good friend instead. You could even have them respond in character. I did the same with my friend Brian. All was going great until Brian’s wife read some of the messages. She was pissed.

Last time I went over there she tried to videotape me. I said “No! Absolutely not! I am not like that… No way I’m doing it on film.”

What… She made a good dinner. And Brian is very good looking. And big. I’m still sore.

Relax, I’m just joking. Somebody has to break the tension of  the relationship wars. There’s nothing homoerotic in this player’s life.

Online marketing  

   It’s amazing how the most meaningless Facebook status or tweet could turn even the toughest guy into a little bitch. It’s even more amazing how despite what many women go through with a guy, they’re still afraid to post even the most innocent status. Do it.

Mention you’re out doing something with a guy friend, say you’re spending the night clubbin’, out for sushi… Have male friends comment on your page.

I’ve known some girls who were so nervous that guy friends would leave an innocent Facebook comment about meeting up, or whatever, and they’d immediately delete it. That doesn’t sound like the behavior of someone who deserves to win the war.

If you want power, punish him. If you’re afraid to hurt him, then you’re weak and obviously don’t deserve power. You’re always thinking a move like that will drive him away, but in actuality, it’ll pull him much closer.  People are as powerful as they feel inside.

Play like you just don’t care

    The problem is things are going to start going well and it’s going to feel so wonderful, and you’re going to want more than anything to make a spontaneous grand gesture for him. Do not! It will only put you right back where you started, and you’ll again be fighting to regain power.

Sometimes you gotta whack a guy.

   Sometimes you could strike, take over the power, and the guy will actually step up and be who you want him to be. More often, however, the situation is not going to change. The guy will fear losing you and it will shift briefly, and then it’ll flip right back. History will continue to repeat itself, and the cycle of hell will continue. You could usually tell fairly quickly if that’s what’s going on, and if that’s the situation it’s time to make the problem go away.

I’m not saying kill him, that could be hard to get out of and hitmen can’t always be trusted. But it’s time to say goodbye.

You’ll leave with power… But you must move on with no contact whatsoever. You’re like a drug addict, who just got released from rehab, and must totally abstain to stay clean. Addicts tend to think they could still snort a line of coke socially and keep it in moderation. They can’t. Must we reference Charlie Sheen. Well if you want to be winning, and the situation isn’t right, you’ll whack the guy for good.

My humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles” is now available on Amazon. Check out description, customer reviews and a free sample right here.

My filthy novel “The Wingman Chronicles.”

In the UK get “The Wingman Chronicles” right here.