How to get laid on Halloween

   If you want to pick up a hottie on Halloween, you must strip her of her pussy power, before you strip her of her slutty costume...

Guys talk for months with excitement and glee about how excited they are to see broads sporting their most whorish Halloween attire.

The dudes prepare for the holiday of creepin’ by investing in a cool costume they think will catch the girl’s attention. They get their haircuts, perform the perfect maneuvering of facial hair, trim their balls and have the perfect lineup of creepin’ venues to make their move at.

It’s Halloween, and it’s on!

And what do many of these guys do when they arrive at the club, bar or party?

Hang with their group of guy friends, ogling the girls, talking about how hot they are, how sexy they dance, and what they would do to them. And what do they actually do?

Then they go home depressed, barely having even spoken to a girl, and jerk themselves to sleep. It’s pathetic.

Why would a guy go to a place full of scantily clad hos, I mean upstanding young women getting into the festive spirit, and not approach them?

It sounds like a waste of a costume, cash, and if they were the driver, gas. It’s like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet while you’re on a hunger strike.

Guys get around these hotties and become quivering babies, and that is the least attractive thing in the world to a girl. Even if a broad thinks you’re an asshole and finds you annoying, she’ll always have more respect for the guy who takes a shot than the guy who stands in the corner all night with the dudes like he’s at a junior high dance.

Girls love a guy with balls. That’s kind of hard to find these days so if you could at the very least fake like you have some, a girl who’s drunk and impressionable could buy it, and you might be lucky enough to get her in the bedroom, backseat or bathroom stall. After all it is Halloween, let’s get in the spirit.

Don’t walk up to a girl and say I like your tits, or great ass. Not because it’s rude or sexual harassment. No, no, no, because it’s what she wants you to say. Even if she acts all put off after you do, she’s secretly smiling on the inside of her slutty attire.

“Eeww… You’re gross. You have no respect for women. I hope you die” really translates to “Damn right you like my tits. They’re fucking perfect. This costume’s working. These guys all want to fuck me like an animal.”

Any girl who disputes what I’m saying, obviously has problems with the truth. But don’t give her the upper hand. Don’t make her think she’s perfect. The reason girls wear those scandalous costumes is to further enhance their pussy power. Don’t pander to it. Many girls who are only hot in makeup, stilettos and club light, grow heirs and treat guys like shit, because of the assholes that constantly swoon over them.

Make her wonder about you. Don’t fix your eyes on her tits, ass, or belly ring… Look her in the eye.

The reason is it’ll make her nervous, and therefore set you apart from the rest of the lecherous scavengers that have been questing after her. Suddenly she’ll be wondering:

“Why isn’t he looking at my boobs, why isn’t he looking at my ass, I’m dressed like a whore can’t he see that? Oh god, I look like shit. Excuse me while I go throw up.”

You made her vulnerable, downgraded her power, and gave yourself the upper hand…. You broke down the hype of the hottie. Now it’s time to carry on with a real conversation and see where the night takes you. A true player always preys on a woman’s vulnerability.

Happy Halloween! Be safe tonight… These girls are dirty.

If you enjoy my blog check out a free sample from my book “The Wingman Chronicles” on Amazon & Amazon UK.

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles available in E-book & paperback on Amazon

The Wingman Chronicles on Amazon UK!

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CREEPIN’ W/ THE WINGMAN — SARCASM COMEDY CLUB — CHERRY HILL, NJ

Saturday, June 25th 2011

 

Matt L.

1.   What is the minimum amount of money a guy should receive to suck another guy’s dick?

It depends on the guy’s skills. Just joking. I’m really not the guy to ask about such homoerotic questions. If that’s your thing, Matt, that’s cool… But you’re better off finding pricing information from a man who you know, enjoys or at least, is willing to suck cock.

2.   When is it inappropriate to laugh during sex?

When you’re complimenting a girl. It’s kind of a give away that you’re lying from the heart.

3.   Is that the right hole?

If it feels good it’s always the right hole.

 

Anonymous

How do you feel about frontal male nudity?

I don’t like to see it, but I like to show it.

 

Anonymous

What are your feelings on a rusty trombone?

I’m not a fan of anything to do with my ass… And I don’t eat ass.

 

Blowme aka your Mom

Is it okay to give your Mom and Dad pointers after you walk in on them?

Of course. I think that would be a nice thing to do. Let’s face it Mom and Dad probably aren’t with the young trends. If you could provide a tip or two I’m sure your parents would be very grateful. My parents ask me into the bedroom with them, and I’m always glad to help. I appreciate family.

 

Tara

1.   What is the best cleaning product to get semen out of fur?

Tara… I think that fur is gone. Next time you’re meeting a stuff. Where a cheap imitation or at least cover yourself with a cum poncho. I always keep a bag nearby with rain gear for these situations.

2.   If a vagina isn’t used, will it seal up and close?

I’ve convinced girls that it would, and used that to get them into bed. It was creative marketing. But honestly, I’m going to have to go with no. Although it will turn into a dried out cactus crotch which is basically the same thing.

 

B. At what point in a relationship do you share a copy of a house key?

Haven’t you been listening? Never.  That’s like inviting a vampire into your house… But worse. Vampires are less crazy than some girls. Read my crazy bitches piece.

https://wingmanchronicles.wordpress.com/2011/04/11/combating-crazy/

Anonymous

Do women have a fourth hole?

Yes… As well as fifth, sixth, seventh, and possibly eighth… Ears, nostrils, belly button if it’s an innie. Heroin whores have way more.

 

Reggie

Is it appropriate to grab somebody by the ass in the grocery store?

Of course… It’s a great way to say hello. More people should do it. And if it leads to sex, stay out of the frozen food section because you might not be able to get it up. And if it leads to jailtime, there’s bound to be casualties of war.

 

Ess

How do you get your man to shave his balls without hurting his poor little feelings?

Get him drunk, and when he’s passed out shave his balls in his sleep. If you want to be more up front, just stop blowing him until he manscapes.

 

Anonymous

As a guy would you rather date a woman with a 7 face and 10 body, or a 10 face and 7 body?

Either way 7 to 10 are solid scores in face or body. Personally, I’d rather date a girl with a 10 face and 7 body, because the face would be shown off. I’d rather bang a girl with a 10 face and 7 body because fucking has very little to do with the face.

 

Anonymous

What’s the proper way to perform the Cleveland Steamer?

Not to… Unless you’re looking for a good way to breakup, get revenge, or keep a crazy ex away. Unless they’re really fucked up, shitting on them in any way, shape or form should do the trick.

 

Anonymous

What is a dirty sanchez?

A sex act that has become cliché… But it’s not my style. Read Urban Dictionary you dirty motherfucker.

CREEPIN’ W/ THE WINGMAN — SHAKERS BAR & GRILL — HAZLETON, PA

 (formerly Shenanigan’s)

Friday, June 10th 2011

 

Scott K.

How do you get laid in Hazleton?

Same way you get laid anywhere else… Lies, mind games, and money… And don’t forget alcohol – it’s a weapon of mass creepin’.

 

Matthew K.

How do you let a girl know she smells respectfully?

You’d think you’d be doing her a favor by telling her “your cunt smells like a porta john,” but sadly, she might not see it that way. If she’s hot or the best you could get (be honest) just stay away from oral, and if she’s nasty anyway… Then tell her the truth and see what happens. If she’s cool and cleans up, yippee, if not, you’ll be doing yourself a favor and dropping the nasty bitch.

Really some women need better hygiene. Don’t they have any respect for themselves?

 

Ava

Is it okay for a guy to have a wingwoman?

Of course… I’ve used them many times. I’ve used a bisexual wingwoman, and even conned my sister into being my wingwoman. Check out these blog entries.

 

Anonymous

How do I get you in bed?

Well I hope this question is from a girl… If you indeed are a girl and you’re hot, just come to a show, introduce yourself, drop to your knees, and get to work. If you’re on the less attractive side… Just wait for last call and corner me in the bathroom.

 

Eric

What do you do when you go down on a girl and she smells?

Put a close pin on your nose… Or wait till you have a cold and can’t taste anything. While it sucks to have a cold and be at the Chinese buffet, it’s great when a dirty whore invites you to dinner in her personal porta-john.

 

Lana

How do I use my pussy to control a man?

With-hold.

See my Pussy Power blog entry: https://wingmanchronicles.wordpress.com/2011/03/30/pussy-power/

 

HDB

How do I get laid?

Hire me… And walk up to a girl, use confidence, swagger, and hype to get her into bed. The key is, don’t give a fuck about what happens. Just enjoy yourself, and take as many swings as possible. You need to swing the bat if you’re gonna hit a home run.

 

Anonymous

What’s the difference between a fuck buddy and a friend with benefit?

A fuck buddy is only used for fucking… Although sucking, touching, and rubbing are allowed… But talking is strictly forbidden… Unless it’s dirty.

A friend with benefits is a genuine friend that you care about, enjoy spending time with, and have fun fucking… A fuck buddy situation works best when you detest the person but they get you off, and get the fuck out.

 

Lou Skunt

Do midget strippers charge half price?

Not as often as you’d think. In really low-end shitholes, in this economy, sometimes they’ll do a two-for one… I know, it sucks. But it’s not like we have to pay double for amazonian strippers.

 

Dawn

Why is it that when a couple is in a relationship the guy is allowed to “flirt,” and the girl is not?

There’s a double standard and guy’s love to flirt but are even more jealous and clingy than girls are. Don’t allow the double standard. If your boy is gonna chat up every broad he sees, you do the same with every guy… If you’d like, I’ll even help you make him jealous.

And if you send a picture I approve of, and need a change of pace, I’d have no problem providing you an uncouth adventure.

 

Tinawina

If you rape a prostitute, is it considered shop lifting?

It is… The price of the pussy dictates the penalty. It’s a misdemeanor if it’s under $300… High class hos fall under felony grand larceny.

 

Justin H.

If you give the hooker an extra $5, will she really put her finger in your butt?

It depends on the girl. I had a friend who couldn’t convince a hooker to slip him a finger. He said one finger, what’s the difference? She had standards. She was a whore with standards.

CREEPIN’ WITH THE WINGMAN — RODANO’S IN WILKES BARRE, PA

Wednesday, May 25th 2011

 

Nicole E.

Why do guys need to force their dick down your throat while the girl is giving head?? We can do it! (without help)


Why do you like to hold our heads down when we’re munching your twat, and nibbling your clit? It’s all about control. It comes back to pushing the girl or guy you like when you’re on the playground in first grade.

Even when we’ve relinquished control (like when our dick’s between someone’s teeth), we still want to act like we have a little.

Honestly, it’s because a blowjob feels so fucking good and guys (people in general) are impatient and so they respond. Personally, I think when people learn to be patient they could have a hell of a lot more fun sexually. I am proud to say I know how to sit back, relax, and fully enjoy getting my cock sucked.

I guess laziness is good for something. It’s all in how you look at things.

However, while I know you girls could blow us without help, I think a lot of broads enoy having a dick forced down their throat… Just like they enjoy having their hair pulled or being thrown against the wall and having their clothes ripped off. As I say in my act (although I didn’t have time for this bit Wednesday night) “women want you to degrade them, but they want you to degrade them with class.”

 

Jenn Y.

What is the dirtiest place you ever had sex?

My ex girlfriend’s twat.

 

Ron

Have you ever had a threesome?

   Many… I enjoy a good threesome because of the team effort. A lot of guys will actually say… “You know a threesome isn’t really that good.” 

   That’s bullshit. Two broads are messing around with each other, and pleasuring you… That’s like saying an all you can eat buffet isn’t that good.

   Obviously there’s higher levels of all-you-can eat buffets, just like there’s higher levels of pussy… But as long as you don’t see the effects of disease set in until the next day, I see no reason why either all you can eat buffet wouldn’t be one of the greatest nights of your life.

   What’s hard, besides your cock, is the pressure. For many guys pleasing one woman is a high pressure task, you add a second broad to the mix and you have the responsibility of a Don in the middle of a mafia war. It’s this fantasy for so long that so much anticipation is involved that guys expect too much. Don’t stress, don’t worry, don’t freak out… You’re banging two chicks. What could be better?

   Have your fun, realize how awesome the adventure is, but know that who really has the most pleasure are the girls. You’re just the opening act. After you cum get the fuck out of the way, have a Gatorade and enjoy the headliner’s performance. If you’re lucky you’ll get invited back for an encore.

   For obvious reasons I prefer two broads, but I’ve also enjoyed myself in a strictly hetero two-guy, one girl train… You could read more about that right here. Let’s get creepin’.

FUN IN AC AKA THE TRAIN STORY:

https://wingmanchronicles.wordpress.com/2011/04/11/fun-in-ac-the-train-story/

RULES OF THE TRAIN:

https://wingmanchronicles.wordpress.com/2011/04/11/rules-of-the-train/

 

 

Creepin’ With The Wingman — Answers To Your Filthy Questions

   In my life doing comedy a lot of people have said I’m too dirty, but the crowd who comes out is far filthier than I could ever be. Quite frankly, I’m offended. I feel degraded, disgusted, and sexually harassed. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

   If you’ve seen me lately on The Dirty Kid Comedy Tour, seen my one man show The Wingman: “Let’s Get Creepin’ Comedy Tour,” or watched me headline other shows you know a portion of my act is called “Creepin’ With The Wingman.” In it, members of the audience write down their questions on getting laid, sex, dating, and relationships on index cards, and I answer them on-stage.

   Well, the questions I get are dirtier than anything in my X-rated show. Where do you sick motherfuckers come up with this shit? Being that there isn’t enough time for me to answer all the questions on-stage, and the questions are so fucking disgusting, I thought I’d start answering your queries here on my blog. I’ll be posting questions and answers from some recent shows. Check them out, and maybe you’ll find yours. Hope you’ll come out to a show, and let me be your Wingman soon. Come out for comedy that gets you laid.

   Let’s get creepin’.

   Thanks,

   “The Wingman” James Holeva

Degrade Her… With Class!

 By James Holeva

Obscenities and hair pulling keep the pussy wet.

Suck my dick bitch!

To my ex-girlfriend that was like saying I love you.

When I’d peer into those gorgeous brown eyes, hold her tight, and speak those magical words a flurry of juices would erupt from her pussy while a sweet warm feeling filled her stomach as she’d smile, blush, and sigh as she shrugged her shoulders.

It’s because the truth was in the subtext. What she was really interpreting was: “You’re amazing. You’re so perfect in every way. I wanna make you feel good. So suck my dick bitch!”

As you could see, I’m a bit of a translator.

In my experience, broads love to be treated like dirty whores … behind closed doors. Obscenities, hair-pulling, spanking and choking have a way of keeping the pussy dripping wet.

In the bedroom, backseat, or bathroom stall, a girl wants you to degrade her … But she wants you to degrade her with class. When your penis is inside her she doesn’t want to hear you recite a love sonnet, she’d prefer a filthy haiku.

Suck that cock, bitch. Suck it good. Are you my dirty little whore? Bend over bitch. Who’s daddy’s little slut? I’m gonna pound your pussy you crack whore!

You know, terms of endearment.

Damn sex is fun. Girls get into the dirty talk.

If you’re not getting a broad off it could be because you aren’t treating her like a common trollop. She wants to be wooed, respected and connected with, and when the doors are closed and the clothes are off, she wants you to treat her like trash. The illusion of being used for sex is very hot when a girl cares about someone.

I know guys are known for being sick, but girls are honestly worse than we ever could be. They’re just coy about it.

And a sexually liberated woman wants a guy just as fucked up as she is so she feels comfortable being herself. There’s enough pussy guys in the world. A girl wants a guy with swagger who takes charge, tells her she’s beautiful, throws her against the wall, rips her clothes off, and rapes her… Consensual rape of course.

There are a great many broads trapped in relationships where they feel like they can’t be themselves out of fear of what their partner might think. How sad. Don’t let your girl suffer the same fate.

That’s the problem with guys today, they make it all about them. And it’s got to stop! If you want your girl to suck your cock and have a good time, then step up and treat her like a whore.

Connect with her, have a deep conversation, and show the broad off.  You’ve been all over each other all night, the clothes are off, now it’s time for the headline act. She wants you to suck her tits, squeeze her ass, lick her stomach and slap your cock off her face. She wants you to talk dirty, slap her ass, pull her hair, and fuck the shit out of her.

For God’s sake, treat her like a whore. She deserves it.

Then afterward you lay together, cuddle, and kiss softly until you fall asleep. That’s the perfect night for a girl. It’s all part of the process.

Guys strike out at getting a girl off when they make it all about them.

Are their exceptions? Of course. Sadly some girls are sexually conservative and still not fully comfortable letting the inner whore simmer to the surface, and will think you’re a disgusting pervert and spread your horrible words to her friends. If that’s the case just shut the fuck up, stick your dick in, and enjoy the ride. It’s what she wants.

As in all matters of creepin’, sex is about observation and reading what a girl wants. But in most cases if you degrade a woman the right way, show her it really is about her, and make her feel sweet and dirty at the same time… You’ll have the best sex of your life.

If you want to please your girl, and have her please you even more, have the balls to be a classy guy and say “suck my dick bitch!”

 

If you enjoyed this piece you could read tales of me Degrading with Class in my filthy novel “The Wingman Chronicles” available on Amazon. Read a free sample, customer reviews and purchase right here.

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles

If you’re in the UK it’s available right here.

The Wingman Chronicles on Amazon UK!

 

COMBATING CRAZY Teaser

A guide to handling crazy bitches

 

I like crazy bitches — girls who are fucking nuts. Psychos, stalkers, convicted felons — oh, that’s what I look for. Give me a girl who belongs in an institution and I let my guard down, and give her my heart.

Crazy bitches are like cocaine. They’re sexy, exciting, they make your heart race, they’ll let you take them in the bathroom, when they’re gone you want more, when you wake up you’re depressed, and they ultimately put you in the hospital. I know, Charlie Sheen told me.

Only difference between cocaine and crazy bitches, is crazy bitches don’t make your dick small. Which is why my addiction is crazy bitches. When it came the time in my life to choose an addiction it was like crazy bitches are legal, but far more hazardous to your health, but they make your dick big and hard. And coke is exciting and dangerous, but makes your dick small and flaccid.

Hmm… I’m gonna go with crazy bitches. That decision was easier than picking which crazy bitch to bang on a given day.

Do I want blonde, brunette… Big tits, small tits… Her to drug my drink, or stab me? If she drugs my drink the death is easy and painless, where as if she tries to stab me I have a good chance of fighting her off, and I’d get a good workout in too. Some people do yoga, others box or do martial arts… I fight for my life, every day, against beautiful women.

 

Look for “The Wingman Chronicles” hitting book stores in next year to read the rest of the story!