“I’m a Fuck Buddy, Not a Whore”

You get a text message at 2:15 a.m.  It’s your fuck buddy wondering if he could stop by. Hmm, what could that really mean?

He was out at the bar and his pathetic attempts to coax every decent looking broad into bed went unanswered, but it’s okay, he’ll fuck his sure thing. Yet, you didn’t get any of the free vodka tonics or lemon drops he was being worked for all night. It doesn’t sound terribly fair to you.

But what do you do? You tell him to come over, have a round of sex that’s average at best, and find yourself depressed about the encounter the next morning. Yet, a week later you get the same late night text, and provide the same result.

This isn’t what you signed up for. You were supposed to be a fuck buddy, not a whore. You’re a woman who wanted recurring commitment-free sex, yet at the same time you had some sort of self-respect. If you want to be treated like a lady, fucked like a whore and then do whatever you want the next day, it’s up to you to use your pussy power to do that.

(If you prefer the whore role, by all means I encourage you to be the whore your Momma raised you to be. But, this piece is for girls who enjoy dirty sex but still want to be treated like a human being. I’m a wingman for all.)

Real Truth, Not Girl Truth

When you tell a guy what you want, it’d be nice if you actually told him what you want. Not what you think he wants to hear, not what the persona you work to give off should say, not what your stupid friends tell you to say what you really want.

So many times girls will say: I just want to be your whore. I just want you to fuck me.  The sweet stuff makes me sick. If it’s not a dirty word, I don’t want to hear it.”

We do exactly as you say, and then find you cutting off our arrangement and hating us. For as much as you broads talk it’d be nice if you actually told the “real truth” once in a while. If you have a problem with something, be completely straight about it. Don’t give him some vague metaphor, or provide a map of clues. Trust me, he’s too stupid to find the buried treasure.

 

You’re Not On Call

When that late night spur of the moment text message comes in, ignore it. You’re not a consolation prize. And if he asks why you didn’t text back don’t pull the “I was sleeping” or “I didn’t see it bullshit.” Tell him that if you’re going to fuck, you need to be entertained first. Don’t worry – he’ll still want to fuck you. And if for some reason he doesn’t, it’ll take you five minutes to find a replacement fuck buddy. Remember, the weapon of mass destruction between your legs gives you control.

Make Him Woo

A hooker gets paid so why shouldn’t you? I’m not saying cash is handed to you before, during or after the filthy festivities but there’s no reason he can’t take you out for sushi, drinks  — or if he’s married and can’t be seen with you in public – provide a classy takeout dinner of pizza, wings and boxed wine.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Just because you’re not immersed in a committed courtship doesn’t mean he can’t act like somewhat of a decent human being when your clothes are on. He could actually be friendly, cordial, and kind, exemplifying pre and post bang chivalry. He doesn’t have to come home to you every night so he should be able to fake it for a little while.

 

If you enjoyed this check out my book “The Wingman Chronicles,” available in digital and paperback formats through Amazon and Amazon UK. Hope to see you at a standup show/book signing soon!

The Wingman Chronicles available on Amazon. Download, tell your friends, and leave a review!

The Wingman Chronicles on Amazon UK!

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