How to get laid on Halloween

   If you want to pick up a hottie on Halloween, you must strip her of her pussy power, before you strip her of her slutty costume...

Guys talk for months with excitement and glee about how excited they are to see broads sporting their most whorish Halloween attire.

The dudes prepare for the holiday of creepin’ by investing in a cool costume they think will catch the girl’s attention. They get their haircuts, perform the perfect maneuvering of facial hair, trim their balls and have the perfect lineup of creepin’ venues to make their move at.

It’s Halloween, and it’s on!

And what do many of these guys do when they arrive at the club, bar or party?

Hang with their group of guy friends, ogling the girls, talking about how hot they are, how sexy they dance, and what they would do to them. And what do they actually do?

Then they go home depressed, barely having even spoken to a girl, and jerk themselves to sleep. It’s pathetic.

Why would a guy go to a place full of scantily clad hos, I mean upstanding young women getting into the festive spirit, and not approach them?

It sounds like a waste of a costume, cash, and if they were the driver, gas. It’s like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet while you’re on a hunger strike.

Guys get around these hotties and become quivering babies, and that is the least attractive thing in the world to a girl. Even if a broad thinks you’re an asshole and finds you annoying, she’ll always have more respect for the guy who takes a shot than the guy who stands in the corner all night with the dudes like he’s at a junior high dance.

Girls love a guy with balls. That’s kind of hard to find these days so if you could at the very least fake like you have some, a girl who’s drunk and impressionable could buy it, and you might be lucky enough to get her in the bedroom, backseat or bathroom stall. After all it is Halloween, let’s get in the spirit.

Don’t walk up to a girl and say I like your tits, or great ass. Not because it’s rude or sexual harassment. No, no, no, because it’s what she wants you to say. Even if she acts all put off after you do, she’s secretly smiling on the inside of her slutty attire.

“Eeww… You’re gross. You have no respect for women. I hope you die” really translates to “Damn right you like my tits. They’re fucking perfect. This costume’s working. These guys all want to fuck me like an animal.”

Any girl who disputes what I’m saying, obviously has problems with the truth. But don’t give her the upper hand. Don’t make her think she’s perfect. The reason girls wear those scandalous costumes is to further enhance their pussy power. Don’t pander to it. Many girls who are only hot in makeup, stilettos and club light, grow heirs and treat guys like shit, because of the assholes that constantly swoon over them.

Make her wonder about you. Don’t fix your eyes on her tits, ass, or belly ring… Look her in the eye.

The reason is it’ll make her nervous, and therefore set you apart from the rest of the lecherous scavengers that have been questing after her. Suddenly she’ll be wondering:

“Why isn’t he looking at my boobs, why isn’t he looking at my ass, I’m dressed like a whore can’t he see that? Oh god, I look like shit. Excuse me while I go throw up.”

You made her vulnerable, downgraded her power, and gave yourself the upper hand…. You broke down the hype of the hottie. Now it’s time to carry on with a real conversation and see where the night takes you. A true player always preys on a woman’s vulnerability.

Happy Halloween! Be safe tonight… These girls are dirty.

If you enjoy my blog check out a free sample from my book “The Wingman Chronicles” on Amazon & Amazon UK.

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles available in E-book & paperback on Amazon

The Wingman Chronicles on Amazon UK!


By James Holeva

I try to turn every haircut I get into a one-night stand. It’s my way of tipping the girl. Often times, if you go to a girl who has her own one-woman shop, on a day that isn’t too busy, you could get a post haircut present.

If you’re in need of a sure thing – you’re having trouble getting a girl to go out with you, just getting back out there after a breakup, the very sight of you repulses women, whatever – get a haircut.

It’s the perfect creeping opportunity – a built in date. No matter how much of a loser you are they have no choice but to talk to you. They can’t blow you off, ignore you, or ask a cockblock of a friend to get rid of you.

You might be one ugly, scary, gargoyle looking motherfucker, which means in the bar, in the street, at the mall… you approach a girl and they’ll run the other way into the arms of a bouncer, police officer, or rent-a-cop, but that’s only because leaving is an option.

Why do you think most guys who kidnap women are creepy looking?

A haircut is your way to abduct a woman the legal and safe way. Which reminds me, always have condoms concealed on your person when you’re getting your beauty treatments.

If you’re a good looking cat with game, this should be easy. If you’re recently out of relationship prison with a woman — whether a minimum, medium, or maximum security facility — it’ll give you a chance to talk to a girl again, where she doesn’t have the opportunity to get away. Imagine like she’s tied up, but you aren’t committing a felony. Pretty cool, huh…

Look for “The Wingman Chronicles” hitting book stores in next year to read the rest of the story!


 (formerly Shenanigan’s)

Friday, June 10th 2011


Scott K.

How do you get laid in Hazleton?

Same way you get laid anywhere else… Lies, mind games, and money… And don’t forget alcohol – it’s a weapon of mass creepin’.


Matthew K.

How do you let a girl know she smells respectfully?

You’d think you’d be doing her a favor by telling her “your cunt smells like a porta john,” but sadly, she might not see it that way. If she’s hot or the best you could get (be honest) just stay away from oral, and if she’s nasty anyway… Then tell her the truth and see what happens. If she’s cool and cleans up, yippee, if not, you’ll be doing yourself a favor and dropping the nasty bitch.

Really some women need better hygiene. Don’t they have any respect for themselves?



Is it okay for a guy to have a wingwoman?

Of course… I’ve used them many times. I’ve used a bisexual wingwoman, and even conned my sister into being my wingwoman. Check out these blog entries.



How do I get you in bed?

Well I hope this question is from a girl… If you indeed are a girl and you’re hot, just come to a show, introduce yourself, drop to your knees, and get to work. If you’re on the less attractive side… Just wait for last call and corner me in the bathroom.



What do you do when you go down on a girl and she smells?

Put a close pin on your nose… Or wait till you have a cold and can’t taste anything. While it sucks to have a cold and be at the Chinese buffet, it’s great when a dirty whore invites you to dinner in her personal porta-john.



How do I use my pussy to control a man?


See my Pussy Power blog entry:



How do I get laid?

Hire me… And walk up to a girl, use confidence, swagger, and hype to get her into bed. The key is, don’t give a fuck about what happens. Just enjoy yourself, and take as many swings as possible. You need to swing the bat if you’re gonna hit a home run.



What’s the difference between a fuck buddy and a friend with benefit?

A fuck buddy is only used for fucking… Although sucking, touching, and rubbing are allowed… But talking is strictly forbidden… Unless it’s dirty.

A friend with benefits is a genuine friend that you care about, enjoy spending time with, and have fun fucking… A fuck buddy situation works best when you detest the person but they get you off, and get the fuck out.


Lou Skunt

Do midget strippers charge half price?

Not as often as you’d think. In really low-end shitholes, in this economy, sometimes they’ll do a two-for one… I know, it sucks. But it’s not like we have to pay double for amazonian strippers.



Why is it that when a couple is in a relationship the guy is allowed to “flirt,” and the girl is not?

There’s a double standard and guy’s love to flirt but are even more jealous and clingy than girls are. Don’t allow the double standard. If your boy is gonna chat up every broad he sees, you do the same with every guy… If you’d like, I’ll even help you make him jealous.

And if you send a picture I approve of, and need a change of pace, I’d have no problem providing you an uncouth adventure.



If you rape a prostitute, is it considered shop lifting?

It is… The price of the pussy dictates the penalty. It’s a misdemeanor if it’s under $300… High class hos fall under felony grand larceny.


Justin H.

If you give the hooker an extra $5, will she really put her finger in your butt?

It depends on the girl. I had a friend who couldn’t convince a hooker to slip him a finger. He said one finger, what’s the difference? She had standards. She was a whore with standards.


Wednesday, May 25th 2011


Nicole E.

Why do guys need to force their dick down your throat while the girl is giving head?? We can do it! (without help)

Why do you like to hold our heads down when we’re munching your twat, and nibbling your clit? It’s all about control. It comes back to pushing the girl or guy you like when you’re on the playground in first grade.

Even when we’ve relinquished control (like when our dick’s between someone’s teeth), we still want to act like we have a little.

Honestly, it’s because a blowjob feels so fucking good and guys (people in general) are impatient and so they respond. Personally, I think when people learn to be patient they could have a hell of a lot more fun sexually. I am proud to say I know how to sit back, relax, and fully enjoy getting my cock sucked.

I guess laziness is good for something. It’s all in how you look at things.

However, while I know you girls could blow us without help, I think a lot of broads enoy having a dick forced down their throat… Just like they enjoy having their hair pulled or being thrown against the wall and having their clothes ripped off. As I say in my act (although I didn’t have time for this bit Wednesday night) “women want you to degrade them, but they want you to degrade them with class.”


Jenn Y.

What is the dirtiest place you ever had sex?

My ex girlfriend’s twat.



Have you ever had a threesome?

   Many… I enjoy a good threesome because of the team effort. A lot of guys will actually say… “You know a threesome isn’t really that good.” 

   That’s bullshit. Two broads are messing around with each other, and pleasuring you… That’s like saying an all you can eat buffet isn’t that good.

   Obviously there’s higher levels of all-you-can eat buffets, just like there’s higher levels of pussy… But as long as you don’t see the effects of disease set in until the next day, I see no reason why either all you can eat buffet wouldn’t be one of the greatest nights of your life.

   What’s hard, besides your cock, is the pressure. For many guys pleasing one woman is a high pressure task, you add a second broad to the mix and you have the responsibility of a Don in the middle of a mafia war. It’s this fantasy for so long that so much anticipation is involved that guys expect too much. Don’t stress, don’t worry, don’t freak out… You’re banging two chicks. What could be better?

   Have your fun, realize how awesome the adventure is, but know that who really has the most pleasure are the girls. You’re just the opening act. After you cum get the fuck out of the way, have a Gatorade and enjoy the headliner’s performance. If you’re lucky you’ll get invited back for an encore.

   For obvious reasons I prefer two broads, but I’ve also enjoyed myself in a strictly hetero two-guy, one girl train… You could read more about that right here. Let’s get creepin’.





Creepin’ With The Wingman — Answers To Your Filthy Questions

   In my life doing comedy a lot of people have said I’m too dirty, but the crowd who comes out is far filthier than I could ever be. Quite frankly, I’m offended. I feel degraded, disgusted, and sexually harassed. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

   If you’ve seen me lately on The Dirty Kid Comedy Tour, seen my one man show The Wingman: “Let’s Get Creepin’ Comedy Tour,” or watched me headline other shows you know a portion of my act is called “Creepin’ With The Wingman.” In it, members of the audience write down their questions on getting laid, sex, dating, and relationships on index cards, and I answer them on-stage.

   Well, the questions I get are dirtier than anything in my X-rated show. Where do you sick motherfuckers come up with this shit? Being that there isn’t enough time for me to answer all the questions on-stage, and the questions are so fucking disgusting, I thought I’d start answering your queries here on my blog. I’ll be posting questions and answers from some recent shows. Check them out, and maybe you’ll find yours. Hope you’ll come out to a show, and let me be your Wingman soon. Come out for comedy that gets you laid.

   Let’s get creepin’.


   “The Wingman” James Holeva


A guide to handling crazy bitches


I like crazy bitches — girls who are fucking nuts. Psychos, stalkers, convicted felons — oh, that’s what I look for. Give me a girl who belongs in an institution and I let my guard down, and give her my heart.

Crazy bitches are like cocaine. They’re sexy, exciting, they make your heart race, they’ll let you take them in the bathroom, when they’re gone you want more, when you wake up you’re depressed, and they ultimately put you in the hospital. I know, Charlie Sheen told me.

Only difference between cocaine and crazy bitches, is crazy bitches don’t make your dick small. Which is why my addiction is crazy bitches. When it came the time in my life to choose an addiction it was like crazy bitches are legal, but far more hazardous to your health, but they make your dick big and hard. And coke is exciting and dangerous, but makes your dick small and flaccid.

Hmm… I’m gonna go with crazy bitches. That decision was easier than picking which crazy bitch to bang on a given day.

Do I want blonde, brunette… Big tits, small tits… Her to drug my drink, or stab me? If she drugs my drink the death is easy and painless, where as if she tries to stab me I have a good chance of fighting her off, and I’d get a good workout in too. Some people do yoga, others box or do martial arts… I fight for my life, every day, against beautiful women.


Look for “The Wingman Chronicles” hitting book stores in next year to read the rest of the story!

Pussy Power!

   Sometimes I’m a wingman for women, too. It’s easy because they hold weapons of mass destruction between their legs.


The only reason women get fucked over by guys is because they don’t realize the power they have over guys. They’re stupid.

Females are in a natural position of male control and dominance because they have a weapon of mass destruction concealed conveniently between their legs. Anybody of remedial intelligence should realize by now that the pussy has the power.

The problem is so many girls meet guys who string them along for an eternity, and the ladies somehow forget that they themselves are armed and dangerous.

Don’t give me that, “who is a player like you to comment on such a situation? You’re the problem.”

No, no, no. If you’ll remember from the piece I wrote last week, I’m a high class player. What I do is not breaking a bitch, an adventure with me means everybody wins. We all get fucked… But in a good way. Remember, I’m an old school gentleman.

Sadly, though, even the most confident, self-empowered women are often allowing hack, wannabe players to control them and break them down. It’s awful when that happens because once they finally break free from their jail sentence, they’re extra careful. Even around a high class player like me who would provide her a mental orgasm to a level she could only have with another woman. It’s bad for the guys who deserve to get laid.

The biggest problem is women allow themselves to get so wrapped up in the wrong guy, and they get this idea that their man has the desirability of Johnny Depp, or me. That usually isn’t the case. These broads go into a constant negative mode saying:

“He’s with another girl. I know he’s with another girl. He’s done with me. I’m never gonna hear from him again.”

It’s been twenty minutes.

“I just know he’s fucking somebody. I know he fucks other girls all the time.”

ME: “Is he good looking?”

GIRL: “No. “

ME: “Is he rich?”

GIRL: “No.”

ME: “Is he smart?”

GIRL: “No.”

ME: “Is he smooth?”

GIRL: “No.”

ME: “Is he confident?”

GIRL: “No.”

ME: “Does he have a cool job with mystique and/or financial potential?”

GIRL: “No.”

ME: “Does he have game?”

GIRL: “No.”

So where is this Warren Beatty appeal that’s wrangling all the pussy?

It all comes from the challenge to please a guy that seems at times like he can’t live without you, and moments later like he never wants to see you again. Girls utilize a hot and cold strategy just as much as guys, except guys don’t have an almighty vagina to hold over the girls.

First off, why the fuck do you care about this guy? And second, what makes you believe that any other girl could actually be interested in him?

Girls always have a feeling that the guy, who won’t make it official, is out trying to hook up with other girls. And he is. He wants to prove to himself that he could get other ass. Some guys can, but in a lot of cases, these guys could try all they want but just can’t close.

A female friend of mine was having some problems with a dude who didn’t want to commit. Although I’m not about commitment right now, I did my best to be my friend’s wingman, so I said “why don’t you just step up and cut him off for a while?”

She said, “My greatest fear is that if I cancel on him now, he’ll just end up fucking somebody else.”

I’m like “You know it’s really not that easy.” He’s way more likely to be jealous that you’ll hookup with somebody else. It’s so much easier for a girl to get laid. Pretty much any girl could call up a random guy and get laid anytime she wants.

GIRL: “Hey Billy, this is Tina. You don’t know me, but I was thinking maybe I could come over and suck your dick… Would that work for you?”

GUY: “Ugh, yeah… My Momma still up but she go to bed by midnight. Actually come over now and I’ll slip some drugs in her cup a’ tea so she pass out. Momma got the bed in the house, so I’ll put her on the stoop.”

Unless you’re a celebrity or a sultan, it’s not so easy for guys. I know how to creep, I’ve been with a lot of chicks. But it’s still rare to be able to call a girl… No date, no woo, and just fast forward to fucking.

I can’t call a girl and be like: “Yo Nikki, it’s James. I was thinking I’d come over and blow my load in your face tonight. No, no dinner. I already ate. I just wanna pin your knees behind your ears.”

Yeah, that’s not happening. The pussy has the power. When you ladies start realizing your pussy has the power you’ll eliminate a vast abundance of relationship drama, and be free to enjoy the limitless control you have over guys.

If you want to regain the power, it’s time for a time out.

I do it with drunken strippers who cause an embarrassing scene and yack in my car, and you could do it with your indecisive man. How will he ever learn without discipline?

All you have to do is nothing. The next time he contacts you – text, Facebook, email, phone, Skype, smoke signals, singing telegram – you ignore him for twenty-four hours from that moment. But if that twenty-four hours takes you into the wee hours of the night, you round to the next day, in the afternoon.

You don’t want to make contact in the middle of the night because that’s a sign of weakness. It shows you’re lonely, alone, and thinking about him. Early morning doesn’t work either because that shows him you wake up and he’s the first thing on your mind.

I know you’re going to look for ways to skate around this. You’ll rationalize: “I didn’t text him, I emailed him… He saw I was in the Facebook chat… I answered the phone but that’s because I answered real quick and couldn’t see who it was.”

Those are weak excuses, and if you continue to act weak on your own, how could you ever take the power in this relationship tug o’ war?

Why Time Out?

It will shift the struggle for power. He’ll be blowing up your phone, and his stomach will be in knots because he’ll be scared to death that you’re in the throes of passion with another gentleman caller. Remember, it’s so much easier for a girl to get laid. And even if they won’t admit it every guy knows the pussy has the power.

Text Decoy

When trying to play it cool or conduct a time out, girls and guys; we all have a roller coaster ride of emotions  going through our bodies that keeps us on the edge of a breakdown making it nearly impossible to not make contact. You’ll find yourself wanting to say everything from “I love you,” to “I hope your dick falls off and burns from all the dirty whores you’re fucking.”

You know some things nice, others, a little hurtful. Relationships are tough.

Since your feelings will be erratic and those messages might not better your situation, you need to find yourself a text decoy.

Whatever you want to say, say to a good friend instead. You could even have them respond in character. I did the same with my friend Brian. All was going great until Brian’s wife read some of the messages. She was pissed.

Last time I went over there she tried to videotape me. I said “No! Absolutely not! I am not like that… No way I’m doing it on film.”

What… She made a good dinner. And Brian is very good looking. And big. I’m still sore.

Relax, I’m just joking. Somebody has to break the tension of  the relationship wars. There’s nothing homoerotic in this player’s life.

Online marketing  

   It’s amazing how the most meaningless Facebook status or tweet could turn even the toughest guy into a little bitch. It’s even more amazing how despite what many women go through with a guy, they’re still afraid to post even the most innocent status. Do it.

Mention you’re out doing something with a guy friend, say you’re spending the night clubbin’, out for sushi… Have male friends comment on your page.

I’ve known some girls who were so nervous that guy friends would leave an innocent Facebook comment about meeting up, or whatever, and they’d immediately delete it. That doesn’t sound like the behavior of someone who deserves to win the war.

If you want power, punish him. If you’re afraid to hurt him, then you’re weak and obviously don’t deserve power. You’re always thinking a move like that will drive him away, but in actuality, it’ll pull him much closer.  People are as powerful as they feel inside.

Play like you just don’t care

    The problem is things are going to start going well and it’s going to feel so wonderful, and you’re going to want more than anything to make a spontaneous grand gesture for him. Do not! It will only put you right back where you started, and you’ll again be fighting to regain power.

Sometimes you gotta whack a guy.

   Sometimes you could strike, take over the power, and the guy will actually step up and be who you want him to be. More often, however, the situation is not going to change. The guy will fear losing you and it will shift briefly, and then it’ll flip right back. History will continue to repeat itself, and the cycle of hell will continue. You could usually tell fairly quickly if that’s what’s going on, and if that’s the situation it’s time to make the problem go away.

I’m not saying kill him, that could be hard to get out of and hitmen can’t always be trusted. But it’s time to say goodbye.

You’ll leave with power… But you must move on with no contact whatsoever. You’re like a drug addict, who just got released from rehab, and must totally abstain to stay clean. Addicts tend to think they could still snort a line of coke socially and keep it in moderation. They can’t. Must we reference Charlie Sheen. Well if you want to be winning, and the situation isn’t right, you’ll whack the guy for good.

My humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles” is now available on Amazon. Check out description, customer reviews and a free sample right here.

My filthy novel “The Wingman Chronicles.”

In the UK get “The Wingman Chronicles” right here.