THE MENTAL ORGASM

We laid together in our underwear, our crotches resting against each other, as we lightly kissed and enjoyed the moment.

“Oh, oh, oh… I just came!” she exclaimed.

“Really?” I asked. “I barely touched you.”

“Yep… I’ve gotta clean up,” she proclaimed as she broke for the bathroom.

“Seriously, I barely touched you. How did that happen?” I reiterated.

“I guess you have a gift,” she said.

This made me wonder how I’d made this girl cum when I barely even gyrated against her. You hear about guys who pop double doses of Viagra and Cialis and still fail at getting a woman off, and I had barely touched this broad.

To say I felt accomplished would be an understatement. It was at that moment I realized that although I lacked vocal and instrumental talents, I was a rock star. As I thought more about it, I figured out a woman’s orgasm isn’t physical, it’s mental.

The girl had been so lost in that connection, the romance of the moment, what I was saying and how I was saying it that her sex juices couldn’t help but come pouring out as if somebody pulled the fire alarm and a multitude of sprinklers erupted.

She wanted to have sex, and we had had sex, but she wanted to wait a few days to do it again to concentrate on us really getting to know each other. I can’t say I was thrilled by these revelations, but I really liked this girl. Apparently, she really liked me too. The pussy doesn’t lie.

Girls are always complaining about sex: “He doesn’t get me off, he doesn’t care about my needs, I don’t like the way he prods my body.”

And the problem is that guys–both geniuses and Neanderthals–many of them don’t realize that a woman’s orgasm isn’t physical.

Foreplay doesn’t begin in the bedroom, backseat, or bathroom stall, It doesn’t start during your classy dinner at McDonald’s, Wendy’s, or Taco Bell. It ignites with the flirty banter when you’re texting, emailing, and talking on the phone.

When you’ve got this aura about you that the broad’s digging, then you tell her she’s beautiful and sexy, smart and cool, kind and sweet – you lie from the heart.

(Maybe you even find a girl where those things are true. That’s even more fun.)

If you’ve said the right things and made a connection in a text message, then did the same thing while you’re looking into her eyes… she’s ready to ruin her panties and make a stain on the floor. Let’s hope a custodian’s on duty.

These days I meet a lot of broads on the world wide creep engine–I mean Facebook… And if that’s the case I strive to have a girl get off to me a minimum of five times before we’ve even met.

However, I’m pretty hot and good with words so that kind of puts me at an advantage. Also, my sexy photos are real, If that’s not the case with you, she may be disappointed when you guys finally meet up in person. No offense.

Parking the car

When a girl’s gonna let you park the car in the garage whether you’re driving an Escalade or a Ford Pinto, you wanna be intense, passionate, and aggressive… But you don’t wanna rush things.

It’s like when a guy watches porno he just wants to see hardcore penetration… But a girl likes old school porn with a story. She wants you to be the pizza boy that sweeps her off her feet and peers into her soul… Then fucks her doggy style.

Creating a mood is very important to a lady.

I’ll liken it to masturbation. Guys when we jack off, we’ll rub it out – bing, bang, boom – towel off, pull up are pants, we’re ready to make business transactions.

But girls, they go all out… They dim the lights, draw a bath, have black market apparatus flown in from third world countries.

Women respect the ambiance, and you must too if you’re gonna please them.

Guys think about your wives, girlfriends, exes… Okay, I bet they spend more time in the bathroom getting ready to go to bed than you’d spend putting yourself together for a night on the town.

No they weren’t doing bodily things. Well, maybe they were. I don’t know what they had for dinner.

But what they were really doing is their pre-sleep preparation… Like guys, I know myself, I fall asleep anywhere… In my clothes, my contacts, my jacket… I just pass out. But a woman is primped for a ball before she climbs into bed.

It’s different if they’re a drunk or a drug addict, but we’re not all lucky enough to date Hollywood socialites.

So when a broad’s opening her legs, she wants you to take your time and enjoy the adventure… Not just jerk off inside her like her vagina’s a hole in the couch.

Whether it’s true or false, a girl just wants you to make her feel pretty, make her think she counts, and make know you care. Whether it’s a bathroom stall bang and bye, or a long term prison sentence, you connect with her mind, and you will ignite her vagina.

Obviously there are exceptions.

“I can’t cum”

Certain girls you’ll find will insist they can’t have an orgasm.

“I don’t like foreplay, I’ve never given a blowjob, I don’t like having lots of sex, I don’t like oral, don’t touch my boobs, my vagina doesn’t cum.”

If she says that, you know what that means? And this is based on highly researched and analyzed scientific data.

She’s a cunt.

She “can’t” have an orgasm because she believes she “can’t” have an orgasm. She’s a pessimistic bitch who can’t allow herself to enjoy what is there for her to enjoy; or she’s a control freak who won’t sacrifice any of her power for a few minutes of pleasure.

If that’s your girl, end it now. You deserve better. You deserve a dirty whore who likes to fuck and cums like a desperate house wife taking advantage of her teenage daughter’s boyfriend. (I know from my own teen years.)

Anyway, miss desert crotch is never going to be happy, and if you waste time caring about the drought, the lack of hydration’s just gonna ruin your summer.

If you think “I can’t cum,” you won’t cum. I believe in the sexual secret.

Women like that shouldn’t even be allowed out in public. Negativity breeds negativity. Before you know it all the fuck-ready sluts at the bar will suddenly put their vagina under lock and key.

And that would be catastrophic in this disgusting economy, where we need sex more than ever.

Ladies if you really want to help the economy, now’s the time to take off those clothes, open those legs, and whore it the fuck up.

 

If you enjoyed this piece you could read about me giving girls dirty mental orgasms in my filthy novel “The Wingman Chronicles” available on Amazon. Read a free sample, customer reviews and purchase right here.

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles

If you’re in the UK it’s available right here.

The Wingman Chronicles on Amazon UK!

Parade Day Creepin’

   How do you feel about sexy girls who aren’t thinking of the morality of their decisions? Personally, I’m a fan.

   I wouldn’t exactly call them girlfriend material, but for meaningless random hookups what could be better? That’s why even more than Halloween; my favorite holiday of creepin’ has always been Scranton’s Saint Patrick’s Parade Day .

   It’s a marathon day full of drunken girls that just don’t care. It falls the Saturday before Saint Patty’s Day (so the die hards could head to New York City), and with my birthday being March 10th it always falls on or around the date.

   My entourage and I have always enjoyed a wicked game I created. This will apply to the Parade Day, wherever you’re located, even if it isn’t to celebrate Irish pride. Get yourself a stack of index cards, and give one to each friend. 

   Every girl you makeout with, you rate on a scale of negative-two to 10. For other acts – e.g., booby touching, breast sucking, finger banging, muff diving, hand jobs, blowjobs, traditional sex, anal sex, other sick shit you and your friends are into – figure out a system of additional points for each endeavor. When the day culminates – it begins when you start partying in the morning and ends when you finally go home – the one with the high score wins.

   If you actually have a group of “real friends” you should be able to utilize the honor system. However, if your friends are fake untrustworthy cocksuckers then require a witness. My boys and I are old school so we trust each other.

   Of course, for a certain goofy looking buddy with an altered ranking system, we would subtract three points from any girl he was able to initiate anything with.

   He was always good to have around though, because it wouldn’t even be a question of who was going to go for the ugly friend. He relished the opportunity.

   If you’re an ugly man with a complete lack of game, a Parade Day is your best chance for some pussy, or at least to slobber on a sweaty semi-acceptable drunken whore.

 

Game Day Strategy

 

  ­­- If you don’t live within walking distance of your parade, get yourself a hotel room in the vicinity. Girls are always looking to take a midday nap before heading back out for the evening, which presents an excellent opportunity for hooking up. Don’t be surprised if after they sleep it off they never talk to you again.

   – Keep groups small. If your game is proficient, break away from your larger group of friends and roll one-on-one. You end up wasting too much time trying to maneuver through a bar together. You wanna move like a gazelle not a Mack truck.   

   – Get the first makeout out of the way. It sparks momentum. I remember in the days of the bars opening at 7 a.m. on Scranton’s Parade Day (they don’t open till 9 now) I’d be enjoying my first public display of horniness between quarter after 7 and 7:30.

    – Compliment their ridiculous shirts that they spent a weekend making with the girls they’re trying to convince themselves are their real friends, and messing around is often inevitable. Remember these girls are extremely jealous of each other, so after you give one of the crew attention, if you give another a second look you might be able to be dirty with multiple girls in the same cunt clique… Maybe even cause a fight. Hmm… If kissing multiple broads in the same crew causes a fight it should lead to bonus points.

    – It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Always be more sober than the broad you’re trying to bang. You can’t operate at your maximum capacity if you’re slurring your words and grabbing at a girl’s breasts to hold you up. Save those ugly nights of blacking out and vomiting for lame times at a dive bar when you’re surrounded by dick.

Cheating with a Cheating Bitch

Chrystal Rose, author of “Unfaithfully Yours,

Confessions of a Cheating Bitch”

Has anyone out there ever cheated, wanted to cheat, tried to convince themselves that what they did wasn’t cheating?

Chrystal Rose has cheated, and admits every detail about it in her newly released memoir “Unfaithfully Yours, Confessions of a Cheating Bitch,” which was released appropriately on Valentine’s Day – a day of lot of cheaters try to ease their guilt with a romantic outing with the, ahem “love of their life.”

It’s sexy, it’s raw but told in a humorous and conversational manner. Rose, aka, “The Cheating Bitch,” will be making her first foray into standup comedy with an appearance on my show in Boston, Mass. Saturday night at The Greatest Bar. Showtime is 8, and she’ll be selling and signing copies of her book after the show.

Rose offers her insight, and breaks down all things cheating in this Q & A.

What made you want to cheat?

I never really wanted to cheat, I was just young and selfish as hell! I wanted the security of the guy who’d always be there and the excitement of someone new…Basically I wanted to have my cake, eat it and lick the frosting off my fingers.

 

While you were having sex with your boyfriend did you ever yell out one of your other men’s names? What about while you were having an affair? Did you ever yell out your boyfriend’s name?

No, because I usually tried to avoid calling out names in general. Unless of course your name is “Oh my God” or “Oh fuckkk!”

You have a background as an author, blogger, and improviser, how do you feel about making your standup comedy debut in Boston? What should we expect from the Cheating Bitch?

I’m fucking petrified but excited at the same time. I’d always wanted to do standup but I never really had the time. I’m sure I’ll be nervous as hell– I always am no matter what sort of performing I’m doing. You can expect to laugh at me (maybe not my jokes), some sexiness, some filthiness and maybe even some same-sex kissing. Who knows, with the Wingman in tow– anything can happen.

What advice would you have for the young ladies out there who are interested in cheating?

Haha, I love this… Seriously I don’t condone cheating! Not only is it dishonest and selfish but it totally hinders you from being who you really are. If you don’t want to get caught– don’t cheat. But if you must– don’t be sloppy! People get caught because they leave their emails up or their sig other goes through their phone–

1. Don’t leave that shit around.

2. What are you sentimental or something?? DELETE, DELETE, DELETE. Also make sure your “Mister” knows the fucking rules. I outline those on page 147…

3. Don’t be obvious. Seriously. If you get a sketchy text or random call– don’t dive across the room to your phone. You look fucking shady.

4. Make sure your Mister/Mistress knows the damn rules– i.e. when they are and aren’t allowed to call/text if at all. This saves you from having to be on 24/7 phone watch.

5. At the very least get a bat phone but either way don’t leave that shit around and what are you sentimental or something?? DELETE, DELETE, DELETE. Don’t save anything incriminating.

6. When it comes to your alibi– Don’t just go around making shit up. If you went to a movie on the other side of town you better know what the fuck that movie was about, who was in it, what the traffic was like on the way to the theater, whether there was construction blocking the side entrance, to the nerdy teen behind the concession stand. The key here is to keep your lies as close to the truth as possible. That means if you say you’re going to the movie– go to the fucking movie. If you’re going to a certain bar– go to the fucking bar. The only lie should be about WHO you are with as opposed to what you did.

7. Don’t change. Anything. Your routine, your sex life with your sig other– not even your fucking grooming tactics. If you’re a man you’re pretty fucked because women can smell the slightest change in your demeanor. We know your habits better than you do and it’s only a matter of time before you’re fighting every second of the day–whether she thinks you’re cheating or not.

8. Keep your head in the game. Cheaters tend to project their behavior onto their sig other. Don’t accuse him/her of cheating or anything that you yourself are doing. Also, your mind will fuck with you because unless you’re a sociopath you’re going to feel somewhat guilty. Resist the urge to change your demeanor for the positive. For example if you don’t spend the night at home, you feel guilty and then come home with roses. Don’t. Fucking. Do. That.

9. Be honest with your Mister/Mistress. You’re already lying to one person– this is the person you shouldn’t have to lie to because from the get go you have nothing to lose with them. You’re going to really fuck yourself over if you try to keep track of two sets of lies.

10. Determine what you are looking to get out of cheating– Sex? Intimacy? Someone to listen to you? Whatever it is make sure that’s all you’re getting. It’s easy to get caught up in one person because they are giving you what you need, but if you aren’t going to leave the person you’re with for them– then you are going to develop an attachment on one side or the other. And that will fuck you over.

11. Personally, I think it’s better to either make it work with the one you’re with or cut it off completely if it won’t work.

What would you say it takes to really constitute cheating? E.G. Talking, cyber/sexting, making out, hooking up, going all the way.

I think cheating is straying outside the parameters of your relationship. If your sig other is okay with you making out with strangers when you are drunk then it’s not cheating. If you have a secret online relationship with someone and your partner doesn’t know about it, then that can be considered cheating. Cheating isn’t an act–it’s a betrayal. Betraying your partner constitutes cheating.

Looking back, how do you feel now about the cheating you did in your book?

I look back and see a girl who was really struggling with who she was and who she wanted to be. I wasn’t enough for myself, I didn’t feel like I was enough for my family and I wanted to be everything to everyone. I wanted to prove that I was lovable and that I could have whoever I wanted. Making men fall for me filled all the emptiness I’d had inside since I was a little girl.

Regardless of whether cheating is right or wrong it was something I needed to do and it shaped who I am today. I’m better for it and I can’t sit here and regret every horrible thing I’ve done– no one should. You can fuck up and then decide that for whatever reason you’re done. You can change yourself, your pattern, your life– whatever. You don’t have to live that way.

Have you ever been cheated on?

Yes in like middle school but it was stupid. As far as I know I haven’t been really cheated on in a grown up relationship. Though I was pretty certain an ex of mine was I just never found anything. So technically no… But let’s be serious here– who the FUCK would cheat on me??

Get your TICKETS right here to see Chrystal Rose make her standup comedy debut in Boston on my show Saturday at The Greatest Bar at 8 p.m. You could purchase a signed copy of her book after the show. Also performing are Boston area comics Theresa Condito, and Brian Pellicano.

Purchase Tickets.

Chrystal Rose’s book is available right here through Amazon.com.

“Unfaithfully Yours Confessions of a Cheating Bitch”

You could also check out sample chapters on Chrystal’s Blog.

Santa Creeper

There’s nothing wrong with a little holiday creepin’.

The last two years of my teens I worked as Santa Claus over the holiday season and used my Kringle clout to work my way into the pants of many MILFS and non-MILFS alike.

Some were high class, some white trash, some single, and some were married or in serious relationships during my stints at Gerrity’s Supermarket in Clarks Summit, and the Wyoming Valley Mall in Wilkes-Barre in 2001 and 2002 respectively.

All, however, had the vulnerability of a crack addict. Thanks to the stress perennially associated with the holiday season, they needed somebody to comfort them. And who better than a Santa Claus, who could pass for a teen idol?

It didn’t matter that I hated children, wasn’t fat, and was at least forty years younger than most Santas. I was him.

On the first day I inhabited the role, I was insulted.

“You’re not real like the other Santas,” an elf told me.
“No… But I’m a close personal friend of the real Santa,” I replied.

Being Santa is a conversation starter with built in hype. I would convert the initiated contact into riffs on my latest acting role, while also demonstrating my love for the children. The little fuckers are excellent wingmen and wingwomen.

Once I established a rapport with the ladies in the suit, I would pay a visit in street clothes. Here’s an excerpt of holiday creepin’.

ME: “We know each other.”
GIRL: “We do?”

I looked around, leaned in, and whispered with the covert nature of a CIA spy.

ME: “I’m Santa.”
GIRL: “Oh my God… No….”

I smiled.

GIRL: “You are.”
ME: “Shh… You’re the only one who knows.”
GIRL: “Really? OK. I could keep a secret.”

I played off the mysterious celebrity that went with the coveted gig, while making them feel like they were special — which they weren’t.

Be forewarned: If you’re the actual fat, white bearded, drunken hobo with tar covering the few teeth you have left that typically finds work as a Santa, you might not have the same luck that I did. In fact, many would call you a dirty old man and try to steer clear of you, no offense.

Actually, I often joked with the girls I was working (some of which were elves) about the disgusting nature of most Santas, who looked as if they drove vans you wouldn’t want your children to go near.
My most memorable scenario was when I closed a classmate’s married whore of a mother in my truck in the Gerrity’s parking lot, while wearing the suit.

I always wanted this cougar and had heard rumors of her promiscuous nature, but I needed the Claus mystique to finish the job. She wore a Santa hat over her frosted blonde hair and had scandalous red lingerie covering her fake D-cups and voluptuous bottom.

“Leave the beard on,” the forty-something commanded.
ME: “OK.
XMAS HO: “Fuck me Santa! I love your sleigh.”
ME: “Ugh this is a Chevy S-10… Although it is red.”
XMAS HO: “Ohhhh Santa! I wish you were really fat.”
ME: “Yeah, yeah… Ohhh. I’ll work on that.”

The spectacle may have been traumatic for some children who walked by, but we relished the Christmas miracle.

 

If you enjoyed this read more of my uncouth adventures in my humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles,” and come see me live when my comedy tour comes to your town!

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles available in EBook & paperback on Amazon.

How to get laid on Halloween

   If you want to pick up a hottie on Halloween, you must strip her of her pussy power, before you strip her of her slutty costume...

Guys talk for months with excitement and glee about how excited they are to see broads sporting their most whorish Halloween attire.

The dudes prepare for the holiday of creepin’ by investing in a cool costume they think will catch the girl’s attention. They get their haircuts, perform the perfect maneuvering of facial hair, trim their balls and have the perfect lineup of creepin’ venues to make their move at.

It’s Halloween, and it’s on!

And what do many of these guys do when they arrive at the club, bar or party?

Hang with their group of guy friends, ogling the girls, talking about how hot they are, how sexy they dance, and what they would do to them. And what do they actually do?

Then they go home depressed, barely having even spoken to a girl, and jerk themselves to sleep. It’s pathetic.

Why would a guy go to a place full of scantily clad hos, I mean upstanding young women getting into the festive spirit, and not approach them?

It sounds like a waste of a costume, cash, and if they were the driver, gas. It’s like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet while you’re on a hunger strike.

Guys get around these hotties and become quivering babies, and that is the least attractive thing in the world to a girl. Even if a broad thinks you’re an asshole and finds you annoying, she’ll always have more respect for the guy who takes a shot than the guy who stands in the corner all night with the dudes like he’s at a junior high dance.

Girls love a guy with balls. That’s kind of hard to find these days so if you could at the very least fake like you have some, a girl who’s drunk and impressionable could buy it, and you might be lucky enough to get her in the bedroom, backseat or bathroom stall. After all it is Halloween, let’s get in the spirit.

Don’t walk up to a girl and say I like your tits, or great ass. Not because it’s rude or sexual harassment. No, no, no, because it’s what she wants you to say. Even if she acts all put off after you do, she’s secretly smiling on the inside of her slutty attire.

“Eeww… You’re gross. You have no respect for women. I hope you die” really translates to “Damn right you like my tits. They’re fucking perfect. This costume’s working. These guys all want to fuck me like an animal.”

Any girl who disputes what I’m saying, obviously has problems with the truth. But don’t give her the upper hand. Don’t make her think she’s perfect. The reason girls wear those scandalous costumes is to further enhance their pussy power. Don’t pander to it. Many girls who are only hot in makeup, stilettos and club light, grow heirs and treat guys like shit, because of the assholes that constantly swoon over them.

Make her wonder about you. Don’t fix your eyes on her tits, ass, or belly ring… Look her in the eye.

The reason is it’ll make her nervous, and therefore set you apart from the rest of the lecherous scavengers that have been questing after her. Suddenly she’ll be wondering:

“Why isn’t he looking at my boobs, why isn’t he looking at my ass, I’m dressed like a whore can’t he see that? Oh god, I look like shit. Excuse me while I go throw up.”

You made her vulnerable, downgraded her power, and gave yourself the upper hand…. You broke down the hype of the hottie. Now it’s time to carry on with a real conversation and see where the night takes you. A true player always preys on a woman’s vulnerability.

Happy Halloween! Be safe tonight… These girls are dirty.

If you enjoy my blog check out a free sample from my book “The Wingman Chronicles” on Amazon & Amazon UK.

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles available in E-book & paperback on Amazon

The Wingman Chronicles on Amazon UK!

LACK GAME? NEED ASS? GET A HAIRCUT! Teaser

By James Holeva

I try to turn every haircut I get into a one-night stand. It’s my way of tipping the girl. Often times, if you go to a girl who has her own one-woman shop, on a day that isn’t too busy, you could get a post haircut present.

If you’re in need of a sure thing – you’re having trouble getting a girl to go out with you, just getting back out there after a breakup, the very sight of you repulses women, whatever – get a haircut.

It’s the perfect creeping opportunity – a built in date. No matter how much of a loser you are they have no choice but to talk to you. They can’t blow you off, ignore you, or ask a cockblock of a friend to get rid of you.

You might be one ugly, scary, gargoyle looking motherfucker, which means in the bar, in the street, at the mall… you approach a girl and they’ll run the other way into the arms of a bouncer, police officer, or rent-a-cop, but that’s only because leaving is an option.

Why do you think most guys who kidnap women are creepy looking?

A haircut is your way to abduct a woman the legal and safe way. Which reminds me, always have condoms concealed on your person when you’re getting your beauty treatments.

If you’re a good looking cat with game, this should be easy. If you’re recently out of relationship prison with a woman — whether a minimum, medium, or maximum security facility — it’ll give you a chance to talk to a girl again, where she doesn’t have the opportunity to get away. Imagine like she’s tied up, but you aren’t committing a felony. Pretty cool, huh…

Look for “The Wingman Chronicles” hitting book stores in next year to read the rest of the story!

CREEPIN’ W/ THE WINGMAN — OLE TYME CHARLEY’S — PLAINS, PA

Wednesday, July 13th 2011

 

The Quarterback Whore

Is it weird that my boyfriend wants to bang my mother?

No… The reason he probably entered into a relationship with you is because you have a hot mom. Let’s face it… If the Mom is gross, it won’t be long before you are. Consider yourself blessed. I think a Mother-Daughter orgy is in order. Think of what it would do for Momma’s self esteem. Let’s face it, how many good years does she have left? I think you owe it to your Mom to throw her a bang from your beau.

 

Anonymous

A friend’s fiancé texted him after three years together saying she “couldn’t do it.” And kept the ring. Any suggestions or advice?

She’s a golddigging whore who got what she wanted. I’d say kick the bitches ass, but she’s probably a pussy and would call the po-po. So if you want to help your friend sneak into the bitches’ house when she’s sleeping, and get it back. And take a few other souvenirs along, too.

 

Brad F.

Why are penis’s gross?

Well Brad you have a guy’s name so it’s nice to hear you find penises gross. Stay with that mentality. But, speak for yourself. I’ve been told my cock is a work of art. Spread the word.

 

Anonymous

Should I offer money up front since dinner/movie and whatever else is gonna be close to $200.00 anyway, and that bitch could get a card payment out of it?

I think so… Then all parties understand the agreement. But I would get something in writing.

If you asked me a few years ago I would say that a lot of girls would take offense, but in this economy I think a guy offering to pay for their services would be a welcome advance compared to the douchebags and bullshit they hear on a regular basis.

 

Anonymous

Can I touch your butt again?

Hmm… As long as you’re not a dude… Sure. Keep coming out to shows and I’ll let you graze, slap, and squeeze the ass anytime. Stay away from pinching though because it hurts.

 

Anonymous

I know girls use tampons for there women problems… Is it alright for a man to use a man-pon, if you have swamp ass and are a heavy sweater? Is it something you have to explain to your girlfriend?

If you require some sort of, “man-pon,” I would keep that from a girlfriend… Completely. However if you’re looking to get rid of a clinger, then by all means bring your Man-Pon for a bedroom show and tell. You’ll never see the bitch again.

 

Christina A.

Why do guys get whiskey dick?

So they won’t be able to make a drunken mistake without a condom, and end up with a drunken mistake for the rest of their life. I’d rather drink Jack and Jameson than take them to soccer practice!

 

Amy A.

Are bumps on a penis normal or something to worry about?

Amy, I would have this penis you speak of, see a doctor. I am not qualified to provide a medical diagnosis of cock. And please don’t send anymore pictures.

 

Dirty Harry

How come some girls have smelly snatches and some girls don’t?

Some crotches are working more than others… Chances are the girls more likely to fuck, have had more cock traffic, and therefore have a worse stench. It’s like a public bathroom is usually smellier than a bathroom at someone’s home because they’re getting more use.

 

Last night I facebooked a chick? Good or bad?

Good… Facebook has replaced Myspace as the world wide creep engine. It’s where power moves are made… Dates, relationships, and random bangs… I think people are  more comfortable if they know someone via facebook. Something about that list of activities, photos and statuses to read makes the girls comfortable. Just make sure you’re not talking about smelly snatches in your statuses. That might not work in your favor.

 

Joe L.

    1. If a girl says no to sex but she’s smiling, does she really mean no?

No she doesn’t… She just doesn’t want to come off like a whore. Enjoy the challenge. She wants you to work for it. Let’s get creepin’ (Disclaimer: A smile doesn’t give you a greenlight to rape her.)

    2.   Is it rude to tell a girl she always drags her teeth?

Although she might take it that way it’s your duty to tell her. The reason she rakes the teeth is because no guy ever told her the truth before. Do it… And you’ll be experiencing less pain, and helping all the guys she’ll blow after you. After you deliver the message, have her get in touch with me. I’ll evaluate her progress.

   3.   How do you proberly handle “overgrown bush” situations?

Grit your teeth, close your eyes, and imagine you’re eating a tasty peach.

   4.   Is it wrong to high-five after sex?

On the contrary, it’s only proper if you want to keep it a non-exclusive friends with benefits situation. It’s like high-fiving after a good run, weight training session, or bike ride with a workout partner.

Dave

How many girls like to get anal and then finish off with a blow job?

More than you think… A lot of girls are nasty. So enjoy  them. Don’t come out and ask for the anal/bj in that order… Just let the nastiness occur. If it’s in her, it will.

 

Kat D.

What’s a flexsexual?

I’m guessing some sort of gymnast. Sounds hot. If you know any send them my way.

 

How do you get cum out of hair-extensions?

Just lick it off… Wait that might not work, but would be fun to watch. You know just leave it there… You’ll pick up more guys than ever before. You’ll help guys to live out their Cameron Diaz fantasy.

 

Bobby D.

How many girls have given head in a Porta-Potty?

Almost all… Ever had lawn seats at a rock concert?

 

Anonymous

If you’re butt-fucking your girlfriend for the first time, and she says it hurts or she starts to cry do you tell her to suck it up and keep on pounding or stop? Practice makes perfect you know…

Keep going… No pain, no gain. She’ll thank you later.

 

Alex M.

When receiving a blowjob what is the proper way to “notify” her when you are about to cum, when asked to do so?

Don’t. Women like to be surprised. And if you must just use the classic “I’m almost… I’m almost… I’m just about… I’m gonna… I’m right there… Fuck you’re so fucking good… Oh yeah… Just about… On my way… Ready, ready… Yeah… I’m CUMMING!”

 

Anonymous

What is the best position you recommend for man and woman?

When a girl gets on top it makes us cum the quickest, but feels really good… We have the most control in the missionary or doggy style. It depends on the girl… If she’s got a nasty face you’re gonna wanna go doggy style or reverse cowgirl so you don’t have to look at her. Same goes if she’s got a great ass. Where as if she’s got tremendous tits you’re gonna want her to ride you cowgirl style so they bounce up and down… And if she’s got beautiful eyes and full lips missionary so you could make the most of kissing during sex.

 

Pat L.

What do I need to do to make a baby with all of the Coors Light girls?

Hire me as your Wingman… And woo them with hype and lies. They’ll believe the bullshit when it comes from me. Also, don’t tell them this was your question.

One Eyed Wonder Weasel aka Two Walnuts

Is it more embarrassing for a man to not be able to “get it up” or to cum prematurely before a three-way with two girls?

To not be able to get it up… Cumming quick is expected under such circumstances… And you could always cum again. The first round is a warmup so you don’t pull a hammy.

 

Michael H.

If you were in the super market and you spotted a girl sportin’ a camel-toe, would you warn her or just laugh your ass off?

I’d use it as a pickup line… “Hey… Your toe’s showing.” She’d be happy I gave her the heads up and was nice enough to notice, and it would lead to some a conversation, and ultimately an uncouth adventure. Obviously, I’d be holding in my laughter the whole time until I told my friends the story.

Here’s an instance where I couldn’t hold in a laugh during sex.

https://wingmanchronicles.wordpress.com/2011/04/11/fun-in-ac-the-train-story/

 

RV

At the age of 85 they are still having “fun” so how would they keep things fresh in the bedroom after being with the same person for that many years.

They’re so senile at that age they don’t remember each other anymore so every time they bang it’s like a one-night stand. Plus those old guys are pumped with so much Viagra they’d stick their dick in a toaster oven… Just so they could get soft enough to go out in public without getting arrested.

 

Anonymous

What is your favorite asset of a woman besides eyes? And would you like to come on mine?

After eyes… It’s a tie between tits and ass. I appreciate both equally. And, assuming you’re a sexy girl (I’m a club is half full of available ass kinda creeper) then yes… But if you’re nasty… I’ll say maybe (depends on the amount of alcohol)… And if you’re a dude, no offense but NO!

 

Gorgeous

What is the size of your penis? Diameter and length… (Inquiring friends want to know.)

8.5 inches… Like I said in the show, “Huge but manageably huge… As big as you want that you could work with.”

While I never measured girth… I’ve gotten compliments on it as much, if not more than the length. Send a pic and if you keep coming to shows, I might let you see for yourself.

 

Dirty Harry

I always get rug burn on my face when I go down on my girlfriend. Is that normal?

It depends… Is your girlfriend a seventies porn star?

 

Hope

Where is the strangest place you have had sex?

In a high school girl’s vagina… With her father in the room.

Let me explain… I was in high school, banging my first girlfriend in her parent’s basement, and we heard her father walking in. I quickly reached for the blanket, and covered up. I was scared out of my mind.

She was on top of me cowgirl style as I sat up straight, and I quickly slid her to my right but my penis  remained inside her. Her Dad walked in, and proceeded to have a conversation with us — sports, movies, general chit chat. He was in the room well over five minutes, and the whole time we just remained still, but my penis never left her.


How many orgasms can you give a woman and make her beg for more?

Over, and over, and over again… I once came nine times in nine hours, fifteen times in thirty-six hours. But, each of those ejaculations led to multiple orgasms for the broad. Plus there was cunnilingus, finger-banging, and breast induced orgasms involved. I have the mental edge… Read this piece:

https://wingmanchronicles.wordpress.com/2011/03/08/the-mental-orgasm/

 

Michael H.

Is there any type of sexual act you’re embarrassed to ask for? If so, what?

No… I’m not a sick fuck. Dominatrix deals and role-playing are in the main stream. For you to ask a question like this, you obviously have some issues. I imagine you pay for a lot of sex. I’ll have to give you the numbers of some sex workers I know. I get a referral fee.

Anonymous

How do you properly play with a man’s ballsack? What do they want? What’s weird? Too much?

Ball work is a solid component to any good blowjob. It’s rude to leave them hanging there. They get lonely. Start by lightly grabbing… Then rubbing, licking and sucking. Stay away from biting or grinding nails (fake or real) into them, or squeezing them violently. Obviously there are exceptions.

I once knew a stripper who had a regular customer that would pay her to step on his balls with her eight-inch stripper heels. There are some sick tickets out there. As always, feel out the situation. The more balls you play with, the better you’ll get. You’re welcome to practice on me, and I’ll provide constructive criticism. But I’m telling you now the stripper heel deal is gonna be a no-go.