Are You a Good Girlfriend?

If you’re a girl who chronically complains that you can’t find a boyfriend and you have no idea why, like in most occurrences of male-female drama, it’s probably your fault.

You have some questions to ask yourself, and if you are answering yes to any of these, you have your answer. And by changing your behavior in the future, as long as you’re decent looking and not a complete cunt, you will find yourself saddled with the relationship torture you long for. I promise.

Like all great relationships it’ll be a modern day fairy tale where you’ll constantly boss your man around and act like awful things such as apple picking, looking at foliage and having kids are an absolute blast. To make things better, since you’re so comfortable with each other, you’ll be able to stop giving blowjobs and grow an afro between your legs. Relationships really are the greatest thing on earth.

Are You A Flake?

Be honest – did you repeatedly blow him off? I’m not saying stand him up at Burger King, but did you make plans on a Wednesday for the weekend and then not call him back, or have something else SUDDENLY come up that was more important than bonding over Whoppers with cheese?

Or, when he tried to make plans with you did you repeatedly give him “maybe,” “I’m not sure what I’m doing,” “Let me see what’s going on,” “Text me Saturday,” “Depends what the girls are doing,” “If I’m still alive?” Girls complain guys don’t make concrete plans anymore but when we attempt to you girls are hard to lock into a date, and often break plans. This is a much bigger problem with younger girls.

Are You A Flirt?

Did you meet up in the same club or block of bars you go to every weekend, mingling with the same crew of drunks? And when you’re at this place you go to because you “know everybody” which is code for “get guaranteed attention and not pay for a drink,” even though you’re supposed to be hanging with your new guy did you still flirt with all the usual suspects – some you’ve fucked, others you’ve blown, some with whom he’s witnessed you engage in a sloppy public display of  horniness?

When you’re out with him you’re his lady for the evening. I don’t give a fuck if you’re just talking, hanging out, casually dating – whatever the fuck you want to call it. You want to be treated like a lady, listen to Sinatra’s “Luck Be A Lady” before the next time you meet the dude you’re talking to at the bar.

Let Me Guess, They’re Just Your Friends…

That’s what you tell the guy you’re interested in when every guy at the bar flirts with you. You’re simply talking to your friends. Well, it comes off like you’re not interested and it’s rather rude. Go to a place you don’t know everybody – while I have banged, casually dated and been in serious relationships with girls more than a decade younger, and more than a decade older – while it’s difficult to pinpoint who’s crazier, I have to say this ADD is a problem with the younger girls. They’re like puppies distracted by shiny objects.

Hot/Cold?

You text right back for a few days or initiate contact leading to long bouts of banter, but then he sends you several texts and you ignore him for a day or two. Then, a day later you’re shooting him a text at 8 in the morning and going back and forth all day – then it stops again. We get it – you’re getting close but trying to avoid getting close, you like him but don’t want to seem too available, all guys cling to you and you don’t want that to happen with this one.

What all this really means is you like him but are afraid of getting hurt. To a guy this comes off as annoying and bitchy, and after a while a guy with balls and self respect figures ‘Fuck her, I know several interested broads who are only half as cunty.’

Don’t Listen to Your Friends

No girlfriend wants their friend to be happier than they are, and no guy friend wants their female BFF to bang anyone but them. The only person with an unbiased opinion is a gay guy. Not gay women, however, because like your straight guy friends, they just want to ravage you.

Advertisements

“I’m a Fuck Buddy, Not a Whore”

You get a text message at 2:15 a.m.  It’s your fuck buddy wondering if he could stop by. Hmm, what could that really mean?

He was out at the bar and his pathetic attempts to coax every decent looking broad into bed went unanswered, but it’s okay, he’ll fuck his sure thing. Yet, you didn’t get any of the free vodka tonics or lemon drops he was being worked for all night. It doesn’t sound terribly fair to you.

But what do you do? You tell him to come over, have a round of sex that’s average at best, and find yourself depressed about the encounter the next morning. Yet, a week later you get the same late night text, and provide the same result.

This isn’t what you signed up for. You were supposed to be a fuck buddy, not a whore. You’re a woman who wanted recurring commitment-free sex, yet at the same time you had some sort of self-respect. If you want to be treated like a lady, fucked like a whore and then do whatever you want the next day, it’s up to you to use your pussy power to do that.

(If you prefer the whore role, by all means I encourage you to be the whore your Momma raised you to be. But, this piece is for girls who enjoy dirty sex but still want to be treated like a human being. I’m a wingman for all.)

Real Truth, Not Girl Truth

When you tell a guy what you want, it’d be nice if you actually told him what you want. Not what you think he wants to hear, not what the persona you work to give off should say, not what your stupid friends tell you to say what you really want.

So many times girls will say: I just want to be your whore. I just want you to fuck me.  The sweet stuff makes me sick. If it’s not a dirty word, I don’t want to hear it.”

We do exactly as you say, and then find you cutting off our arrangement and hating us. For as much as you broads talk it’d be nice if you actually told the “real truth” once in a while. If you have a problem with something, be completely straight about it. Don’t give him some vague metaphor, or provide a map of clues. Trust me, he’s too stupid to find the buried treasure.

 

You’re Not On Call

When that late night spur of the moment text message comes in, ignore it. You’re not a consolation prize. And if he asks why you didn’t text back don’t pull the “I was sleeping” or “I didn’t see it bullshit.” Tell him that if you’re going to fuck, you need to be entertained first. Don’t worry – he’ll still want to fuck you. And if for some reason he doesn’t, it’ll take you five minutes to find a replacement fuck buddy. Remember, the weapon of mass destruction between your legs gives you control.

Make Him Woo

A hooker gets paid so why shouldn’t you? I’m not saying cash is handed to you before, during or after the filthy festivities but there’s no reason he can’t take you out for sushi, drinks  — or if he’s married and can’t be seen with you in public – provide a classy takeout dinner of pizza, wings and boxed wine.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Just because you’re not immersed in a committed courtship doesn’t mean he can’t act like somewhat of a decent human being when your clothes are on. He could actually be friendly, cordial, and kind, exemplifying pre and post bang chivalry. He doesn’t have to come home to you every night so he should be able to fake it for a little while.

 

If you enjoyed this check out my book “The Wingman Chronicles,” available in digital and paperback formats through Amazon and Amazon UK. Hope to see you at a standup show/book signing soon!

The Wingman Chronicles available on Amazon. Download, tell your friends, and leave a review!

The Wingman Chronicles on Amazon UK!

The Wingman’s Guide to Eating Pussy

Eating pussy is like a French Kiss, but down there. It’s passionate, it’s erotic, it’s sweet and it’s dirty — and you’re either good or atrocious. If you’re proficient, you will be rewarded. If you’re inept, she won’t want you anywhere near it.

As guys it’s important for us to perform cunnilingus to level the playing field that exists in any sexual tug of war. Make no mistake the pussy does have the power — we’ve established that — but muff-diving is our way to take control of it. Girls that say they don’t enjoy cunnilingus, or won’t let a guy go down on them, say so for one reason: Because they are afraid to let another have control of their weapon of mass destruction.

The problem is the majority of guys don’t know what the fuck they’re doing down there, and unlike a simple dick, a vagina is a formidable beast to tame. As your Wingman I thought it best I break down the techniques I regularly use to turn a girl into a squirter.

It’s not a fucking lollipop

There’s no point of putting your head down there and licking back and forth because it doesn’t have a chewy Tootsie Roll center. Start out slow and gentle, then increase your pace and intensity until you’re mauling her poon, spreading it wide open as you alternate between licks, tongue-fucks, and swirls. Also, varying your tongue motions will keep you from cramping.

 

She’s got the magic clit

Make no mistake, the clit is the real G-spot. You flick that fucker and the control will belong to you. Don’t be afraid to get aggressive. Lick, suck, nibble, and use your fingers.

Learn to multitask

Put your tongue to work on her clit as you finger-bang her pussy, then fire your tongue back inside her while you rub the clit. Then mix up the order. Also, multitasking isn’t only happening in the crotch-vicinity. Grab her thighs, squeeze her hips, slap her ass… Just because you’re eating an order of raw clams doesn’t mean you don’t sample some of the other menu items, or pay attention to the rest of your guests at the table.

Know your audience

Although it may be trimmed just so that it appears to be a clone of a vagina you’ve seen before, no two pussies are alike. You need to feel out how your broad is reacting and assess what she’s reacting to, and adjust your act accordingly. Don’t follow any set plan. Eating pussy is like playing improvisational jazz, and no two shows should ever be alike. Pay attention to what your audience is giving you, and respond accordingly. You’re making direct contact it’s not hard to tell which motions ignite awe-inspiring ecstasy. Observe the way her body contorts — her legs tensing up, back arching, pussy drooling on your face like when you sleep with your dog – the moves you’re making at that moment are your best options.

Have fun down there, slugger…

If you watching a movie and an actor’s performance seems forced and stiff you don’t enjoy it nearly as much as if it was relaxed and natural. Have fun down there. While a girl could get away with going through the motions while a cock’s in her mouth because chances are we’re still going to cum, girls require a mental connection and maintain great attention to detail. If she doesn’t see you having a ball between her legs all you’re going to do is give her a desert crotch. She’ll be too dry and chafed for you to stick your cock in, and too annoyed to suck your dick.

Enjoy your meal

Often times pussy tastes good, however if it tastes like raw sewage you need to still make her think it has the flavor of your favorite dessert. This is your chance to fake it, just like women do everyday. Force it down, compliment her, and smile just like you did when she cooked you shitty organic health-food a couple hours earlier. Lying is always a part of creepin’ – even when you’re naked.

 

My humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles” is now available on Amazon. Check out description, customer reviews and a free sample right here.

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles

The Wingman’s Guide to Sucking Cock

If you’re sucking a guy’s dick, and he says “you’re such a whore,” that is the ultimate compliment. Like any endeavor, when it comes to blowjobs, practice makes perfect.

I know some guys will say “there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob” — all that tells me is they never never experienced truly awe-inspiring fellatio. Don’t get me wrong, any blowjob is better than no blowjob. But given the option, you want the best blowjob a dinner at a chain restaurant could buy.

You know how they say the sex is better when it’s with someone you really care about, I buy that. I agree. Connection is important. But with blowjobs, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Generally someone who really cares for you gets comfortable and lazy,  no longer putting forth her best effort when oxygen is limited.

My best blowjob came from a nasty-ass behemoth I met after a show in some sleepy little town in upstate New York. She was a fat, trashy, floozy, but the pickens were slim, and she offered to suck my cock. It was the best blowjob I ever had. It made me feel like I just brushed my teeth, but down there.

To this day, I’ll be watching a porno, jerking off to a smoking hot fake-breasted broad, and suddenly find myself thinking of that gargoyle giving me that wonderful hummer. Then as I begin to ejaculate I get depressed I allowed myself to sink to such awful depths. It’s a combination cum-cry, with a grimace of disgust thrown in.

Anyway, ladies, follow these rules and no matter how much disdain a guy may have for you, he’ll think of you every time he blows his load.

Go Deep

If you didn’t go down far enough to induce vomiting, you need to go farther. I’ve actually had that happen. I said, “Thank you. That was great. And you look amazing.”

Use Your Hands

If you’re only using your mouth, you’re doing half the work. You need to vary things by using both hands – throw a right, a left, and a knock out combination to keep us guessing.

Work the Balls

You’re swallowing up that dong, taking care of all of it, but the balls are just sitting their lonely like a the last two kids who didn’t get picked for Dodgeball.

Start by playing with the balls by gently grabbing them with your hands – not aggressively pulling – that’s just cruel. When you’re licking the base of the cock bring your tongue down to the balls, licking them, and lightly sucking on them like they’re cherry Jolly Ranchers.

Handle Ass Play on a Case by Case Basis

When you’ve gotten to the bottom of the balls and explored the taint, for me, there’s a line you don’t cross. Which means you don’t lick, finger, or stick any sort of objects (I don’t care how small), near my butthole. It wouldn’t be in your best interest. Sometimes I don’t wipe properly.

However some guys like a finger shoved up their ass during a BJ, or even a rim job. Your best bet is to ask what they’re into before you do anything in that vicinity. Don’t be embarrassed.The awkwardness works better as part of a conversation, than in a trial and error experience. Trust me.

Finish the Job

Sucking dick without swallowing is like taking your dog for a walk and not picking up its shit. Show some fucking follow through. I don’t know how your momma raised you, but in my family we were taught to take initiative, have passion, and finish what we start. When a girl doesn’t guzzle my cum I have a good mind to call her mom and find out where she went wrong.

Come Up for Air

I’m not saying stop, I’m saying vary the activity. Otherwise you’re liable to get lock jaw. Alternate sucking to licking the penis up and down with your lips. I can’t stand when girls vigorously suck my cock as fast as they could without varying the pace and position. It’s not supposed to be assembly line work, it’s an art.

 
My humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles” is now available on Amazon. Check out description, customer reviews and a free sample right here.

My filthy novel “The Wingman Chronicles”

CREEPIN’ AT THE HOSPITAL

Sadly, no matter how good your coverage, under the current administration insurance companies refuse to offer sex workers as part of your health care package.
I don’t believe it myself, but despite my charming bravado I lack the political clout to make a difference. So it’s up to you.
If you’re laid up in a hospital, and you want the best treatment, it’s your responsibility to fight for it.
There’s nothing that will cure a man’s illness, or injury, and the mental anguish that accompanies, more than an ejaculation induced by someone other than himself. Personally, I think that should be in a nurse’s job description. They’re emptying your bed pan, why can’t they blow you, or at least administer a hand job?

She could wear a rubber glove if it’ll make her feel better.
I mean these nurses say they want to make a difference, here’s their chance. Even a good old fashioned wet dry hump will aid in your recovery.
Anyway, until nurse/whore becomes a combination occupation, the creeping is up to you and me.
Don’t be depressed. You’re in a perfect situation. Candy stripers, nurses, female doctors — anytime you’re in a spot where a girl is forced to talk to you and be nice to you, you’re in an excellent creepin’ position…
Especially when she has to be in a room alone with you. And you’re already wearing a backless gown and going commando… The progression to relations is perfectly natural. Granted the hospital personnel probably aren’t drunk while they’re working, but I think you could play the sympathy card for an easy piece of ass.
If it’s a girl with a heart (yes, some of them have one) you could coax her with your own sadness and get some pussy outta pity. Good times. Maybe one of the girls tending to you has a chemical dependency, and you could give her some of your morphine drip.
Hey, if you were in a bar wouldn’t you buy a girl a drink? It’s the same thing — hospital creepin’ currency.
Maybe you could even fake an injury, and make your move in the sponge bath. That brings back memories. No, it’s cool. I like going to the hospital. My Dad sells accident insurance so I make out pretty good.
You need to pinpoint which of the girls you’re coming in contact with are the most empathetic, because your game won’t work on a cold, hard bitch. If it’s a miserable ice queen, you could often bond with her by making fun of pathetic patients or hospital workers. She’ll like that.
You have to read the situation before you call the play, but I’ve bonded with many broads, in all venues, by creating laughs at the expense of others.
It can be a very effective technique. Girls who enjoy making themselves feel better by cutting others down behind their back is something that begins in the crib, but never ends.
So, if you’re creeping impaired and have good insurance, just fake your way into a hospital. Getting girls to talk to you won’t be hard because they don’t have a choice. Like I said, my father sells accident insurance. Hit me up, and I’ll hook you up. You won’t find many authors who look out for their readers like I do.

THE MENTAL ORGASM

We laid together in our underwear, our crotches resting against each other, as we lightly kissed and enjoyed the moment.

“Oh, oh, oh… I just came!” she exclaimed.

“Really?” I asked. “I barely touched you.”

“Yep… I’ve gotta clean up,” she proclaimed as she broke for the bathroom.

“Seriously, I barely touched you. How did that happen?” I reiterated.

“I guess you have a gift,” she said.

This made me wonder how I’d made this girl cum when I barely even gyrated against her. You hear about guys who pop double doses of Viagra and Cialis and still fail at getting a woman off, and I had barely touched this broad.

To say I felt accomplished would be an understatement. It was at that moment I realized that although I lacked vocal and instrumental talents, I was a rock star. As I thought more about it, I figured out a woman’s orgasm isn’t physical, it’s mental.

The girl had been so lost in that connection, the romance of the moment, what I was saying and how I was saying it that her sex juices couldn’t help but come pouring out as if somebody pulled the fire alarm and a multitude of sprinklers erupted.

She wanted to have sex, and we had had sex, but she wanted to wait a few days to do it again to concentrate on us really getting to know each other. I can’t say I was thrilled by these revelations, but I really liked this girl. Apparently, she really liked me too. The pussy doesn’t lie.

Girls are always complaining about sex: “He doesn’t get me off, he doesn’t care about my needs, I don’t like the way he prods my body.”

And the problem is that guys–both geniuses and Neanderthals–many of them don’t realize that a woman’s orgasm isn’t physical.

Foreplay doesn’t begin in the bedroom, backseat, or bathroom stall, It doesn’t start during your classy dinner at McDonald’s, Wendy’s, or Taco Bell. It ignites with the flirty banter when you’re texting, emailing, and talking on the phone.

When you’ve got this aura about you that the broad’s digging, then you tell her she’s beautiful and sexy, smart and cool, kind and sweet – you lie from the heart.

(Maybe you even find a girl where those things are true. That’s even more fun.)

If you’ve said the right things and made a connection in a text message, then did the same thing while you’re looking into her eyes… she’s ready to ruin her panties and make a stain on the floor. Let’s hope a custodian’s on duty.

These days I meet a lot of broads on the world wide creep engine–I mean Facebook… And if that’s the case I strive to have a girl get off to me a minimum of five times before we’ve even met.

However, I’m pretty hot and good with words so that kind of puts me at an advantage. Also, my sexy photos are real, If that’s not the case with you, she may be disappointed when you guys finally meet up in person. No offense.

Parking the car

When a girl’s gonna let you park the car in the garage whether you’re driving an Escalade or a Ford Pinto, you wanna be intense, passionate, and aggressive… But you don’t wanna rush things.

It’s like when a guy watches porno he just wants to see hardcore penetration… But a girl likes old school porn with a story. She wants you to be the pizza boy that sweeps her off her feet and peers into her soul… Then fucks her doggy style.

Creating a mood is very important to a lady.

I’ll liken it to masturbation. Guys when we jack off, we’ll rub it out – bing, bang, boom – towel off, pull up are pants, we’re ready to make business transactions.

But girls, they go all out… They dim the lights, draw a bath, have black market apparatus flown in from third world countries.

Women respect the ambiance, and you must too if you’re gonna please them.

Guys think about your wives, girlfriends, exes… Okay, I bet they spend more time in the bathroom getting ready to go to bed than you’d spend putting yourself together for a night on the town.

No they weren’t doing bodily things. Well, maybe they were. I don’t know what they had for dinner.

But what they were really doing is their pre-sleep preparation… Like guys, I know myself, I fall asleep anywhere… In my clothes, my contacts, my jacket… I just pass out. But a woman is primped for a ball before she climbs into bed.

It’s different if they’re a drunk or a drug addict, but we’re not all lucky enough to date Hollywood socialites.

So when a broad’s opening her legs, she wants you to take your time and enjoy the adventure… Not just jerk off inside her like her vagina’s a hole in the couch.

Whether it’s true or false, a girl just wants you to make her feel pretty, make her think she counts, and make know you care. Whether it’s a bathroom stall bang and bye, or a long term prison sentence, you connect with her mind, and you will ignite her vagina.

Obviously there are exceptions.

“I can’t cum”

Certain girls you’ll find will insist they can’t have an orgasm.

“I don’t like foreplay, I’ve never given a blowjob, I don’t like having lots of sex, I don’t like oral, don’t touch my boobs, my vagina doesn’t cum.”

If she says that, you know what that means? And this is based on highly researched and analyzed scientific data.

She’s a cunt.

She “can’t” have an orgasm because she believes she “can’t” have an orgasm. She’s a pessimistic bitch who can’t allow herself to enjoy what is there for her to enjoy; or she’s a control freak who won’t sacrifice any of her power for a few minutes of pleasure.

If that’s your girl, end it now. You deserve better. You deserve a dirty whore who likes to fuck and cums like a desperate house wife taking advantage of her teenage daughter’s boyfriend. (I know from my own teen years.)

Anyway, miss desert crotch is never going to be happy, and if you waste time caring about the drought, the lack of hydration’s just gonna ruin your summer.

If you think “I can’t cum,” you won’t cum. I believe in the sexual secret.

Women like that shouldn’t even be allowed out in public. Negativity breeds negativity. Before you know it all the fuck-ready sluts at the bar will suddenly put their vagina under lock and key.

And that would be catastrophic in this disgusting economy, where we need sex more than ever.

Ladies if you really want to help the economy, now’s the time to take off those clothes, open those legs, and whore it the fuck up.

 

If you enjoyed this piece you could read about me giving girls dirty mental orgasms in my filthy novel “The Wingman Chronicles” available on Amazon. Read a free sample, customer reviews and purchase right here.

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles

If you’re in the UK it’s available right here.

The Wingman Chronicles on Amazon UK!

Parade Day Creepin’

   How do you feel about sexy girls who aren’t thinking of the morality of their decisions? Personally, I’m a fan.

   I wouldn’t exactly call them girlfriend material, but for meaningless random hookups what could be better? That’s why even more than Halloween; my favorite holiday of creepin’ has always been Scranton’s Saint Patrick’s Parade Day .

   It’s a marathon day full of drunken girls that just don’t care. It falls the Saturday before Saint Patty’s Day (so the die hards could head to New York City), and with my birthday being March 10th it always falls on or around the date.

   My entourage and I have always enjoyed a wicked game I created. This will apply to the Parade Day, wherever you’re located, even if it isn’t to celebrate Irish pride. Get yourself a stack of index cards, and give one to each friend. 

   Every girl you makeout with, you rate on a scale of negative-two to 10. For other acts – e.g., booby touching, breast sucking, finger banging, muff diving, hand jobs, blowjobs, traditional sex, anal sex, other sick shit you and your friends are into – figure out a system of additional points for each endeavor. When the day culminates – it begins when you start partying in the morning and ends when you finally go home – the one with the high score wins.

   If you actually have a group of “real friends” you should be able to utilize the honor system. However, if your friends are fake untrustworthy cocksuckers then require a witness. My boys and I are old school so we trust each other.

   Of course, for a certain goofy looking buddy with an altered ranking system, we would subtract three points from any girl he was able to initiate anything with.

   He was always good to have around though, because it wouldn’t even be a question of who was going to go for the ugly friend. He relished the opportunity.

   If you’re an ugly man with a complete lack of game, a Parade Day is your best chance for some pussy, or at least to slobber on a sweaty semi-acceptable drunken whore.

 

Game Day Strategy

 

  ­­- If you don’t live within walking distance of your parade, get yourself a hotel room in the vicinity. Girls are always looking to take a midday nap before heading back out for the evening, which presents an excellent opportunity for hooking up. Don’t be surprised if after they sleep it off they never talk to you again.

   – Keep groups small. If your game is proficient, break away from your larger group of friends and roll one-on-one. You end up wasting too much time trying to maneuver through a bar together. You wanna move like a gazelle not a Mack truck.   

   – Get the first makeout out of the way. It sparks momentum. I remember in the days of the bars opening at 7 a.m. on Scranton’s Parade Day (they don’t open till 9 now) I’d be enjoying my first public display of horniness between quarter after 7 and 7:30.

    – Compliment their ridiculous shirts that they spent a weekend making with the girls they’re trying to convince themselves are their real friends, and messing around is often inevitable. Remember these girls are extremely jealous of each other, so after you give one of the crew attention, if you give another a second look you might be able to be dirty with multiple girls in the same cunt clique… Maybe even cause a fight. Hmm… If kissing multiple broads in the same crew causes a fight it should lead to bonus points.

    – It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Always be more sober than the broad you’re trying to bang. You can’t operate at your maximum capacity if you’re slurring your words and grabbing at a girl’s breasts to hold you up. Save those ugly nights of blacking out and vomiting for lame times at a dive bar when you’re surrounded by dick.

  • Calendar

    • August 2019
      M T W T F S S
      « Mar    
       1234
      567891011
      12131415161718
      19202122232425
      262728293031  
  • Search