By James Holeva

I try to turn every haircut I get into a one-night stand. It’s my way of tipping the girl. Often times, if you go to a girl who has her own one-woman shop, on a day that isn’t too busy, you could get a post haircut present.

If you’re in need of a sure thing – you’re having trouble getting a girl to go out with you, just getting back out there after a breakup, the very sight of you repulses women, whatever – get a haircut.

It’s the perfect creeping opportunity – a built in date. No matter how much of a loser you are they have no choice but to talk to you. They can’t blow you off, ignore you, or ask a cockblock of a friend to get rid of you.

You might be one ugly, scary, gargoyle looking motherfucker, which means in the bar, in the street, at the mall… you approach a girl and they’ll run the other way into the arms of a bouncer, police officer, or rent-a-cop, but that’s only because leaving is an option.

Why do you think most guys who kidnap women are creepy looking?

A haircut is your way to abduct a woman the legal and safe way. Which reminds me, always have condoms concealed on your person when you’re getting your beauty treatments.

If you’re a good looking cat with game, this should be easy. If you’re recently out of relationship prison with a woman — whether a minimum, medium, or maximum security facility — it’ll give you a chance to talk to a girl again, where she doesn’t have the opportunity to get away. Imagine like she’s tied up, but you aren’t committing a felony. Pretty cool, huh…

Look for “The Wingman Chronicles” hitting book stores in next year to read the rest of the story!


Friday, June 17th 2011



Is it at all appropriate for a wingman to be present during sex, cheering and criticizing?

Yes definitely… I commit to my clients. It’s like Mick and Rocky. Read my train story for a true depiction of team work.



What do you do when she farts mid anal sex?

Keep going but hold your breath… A true player commits.


Kel (was nice enough to leave her phone number)

How big is your penis? And girth?

8.5 inches… Like I said in the show, “Huge but manageably huge… As big as you want that you could work with.”

While I never measured girth… I’ve gotten compliments on it as much, if not more than the length. Send a pic and if you keep coming to shows, I might let you see for yourself.



What do you do when he asks you to fuck your elbow?

Let him do it. He’s a guy who likes to use all of the performance space. He’s not a coffee house singer/songwriter who stands in one spot, he’s a fucking rockstar. Enjoy the show.


AJ aka Melon Man

When you are Eiffel towering a girl, do you look the other guy straight in the eye the whole time?

Well Melon Man, if you’re good friends with him. There’s no better moment two long time compadres could experience than enjoying a girl like she’s an amusement park.

Just joking… Enjoy the uncouth adventure but stay away from anything remotely guy-on-guy. See my “Rules of The Train” blog.



Why does my boyfriend always want to put it in my ass when I have such a brilliant vagina?

We all like to go where we’ve never been. It’s like a lot of people from America want to go to Italy or Paris… But to the people who live there, it’s not a thrill. Once he’s gotten the ass, he’ll be going for the ear.


If you’re trying to send a dirty picture to your boyfriend and accidentally sent it to his dad, and he sends one back, do you keep going???

Judging by the three question marks you enjoyed the picture. If you’re into him, enjoy the picture and keep going. It could be meant to be. And there’s no better way for a father and son to bond than to share a broad. If you could help enable that, do it.



Will you take my friend Audrey’s virginity?

Have her come out to a show and introduce herself. I’ll give a yay or nay when I see her. If I give a nay, get me around last call or accost me in the bathroom. Resilience is a quality I admire in a creeper.



Is it natural for girl’s to squirt? And is it dangerous to your dick?

Some girls are squirters… Especially if you provide a solid mental orgasm. No it isn’t dangerous to your dick. Her pussy will tense up like a vice grip as she’s clawing your back but the cock is strong… I can’t speak for the scratches or bite marks that will end up on other parts of your body. It depends if the girl’s a cat…



That was the most horrible lap dance I ever had. Mine are so much better!!

Bullshit… I remember that lap dance and I was good. It was like poetic gyration. And thanks for the Lap Dance that encored the show. You tore it up to “Pornstar Dancing.” You have a real future ahead of you. Let me know what club you’re working at, and I’ll stop by. I will expect a free VIP complete with complimentary extras.


Wednesday, May 25th 2011


Nicole E.

Why do guys need to force their dick down your throat while the girl is giving head?? We can do it! (without help)

Why do you like to hold our heads down when we’re munching your twat, and nibbling your clit? It’s all about control. It comes back to pushing the girl or guy you like when you’re on the playground in first grade.

Even when we’ve relinquished control (like when our dick’s between someone’s teeth), we still want to act like we have a little.

Honestly, it’s because a blowjob feels so fucking good and guys (people in general) are impatient and so they respond. Personally, I think when people learn to be patient they could have a hell of a lot more fun sexually. I am proud to say I know how to sit back, relax, and fully enjoy getting my cock sucked.

I guess laziness is good for something. It’s all in how you look at things.

However, while I know you girls could blow us without help, I think a lot of broads enoy having a dick forced down their throat… Just like they enjoy having their hair pulled or being thrown against the wall and having their clothes ripped off. As I say in my act (although I didn’t have time for this bit Wednesday night) “women want you to degrade them, but they want you to degrade them with class.”


Jenn Y.

What is the dirtiest place you ever had sex?

My ex girlfriend’s twat.



Have you ever had a threesome?

   Many… I enjoy a good threesome because of the team effort. A lot of guys will actually say… “You know a threesome isn’t really that good.” 

   That’s bullshit. Two broads are messing around with each other, and pleasuring you… That’s like saying an all you can eat buffet isn’t that good.

   Obviously there’s higher levels of all-you-can eat buffets, just like there’s higher levels of pussy… But as long as you don’t see the effects of disease set in until the next day, I see no reason why either all you can eat buffet wouldn’t be one of the greatest nights of your life.

   What’s hard, besides your cock, is the pressure. For many guys pleasing one woman is a high pressure task, you add a second broad to the mix and you have the responsibility of a Don in the middle of a mafia war. It’s this fantasy for so long that so much anticipation is involved that guys expect too much. Don’t stress, don’t worry, don’t freak out… You’re banging two chicks. What could be better?

   Have your fun, realize how awesome the adventure is, but know that who really has the most pleasure are the girls. You’re just the opening act. After you cum get the fuck out of the way, have a Gatorade and enjoy the headliner’s performance. If you’re lucky you’ll get invited back for an encore.

   For obvious reasons I prefer two broads, but I’ve also enjoyed myself in a strictly hetero two-guy, one girl train… You could read more about that right here. Let’s get creepin’.






 By James Holeva

A divorced father’s halfway house after being released from prison.

The end of a committed (or seemingly committed) relationship is like getting released from prison.

There’s the minimum security country club with ping pong and tennis – a girlfriend.

The medium security facility – a wife, but no kids.

And the maximum security penitentiary complete with sodomy, weight lifting in the yard, and the hole – wife, kids, maybe even a mortgage.
I don’t know if your wife went for sodomy, and, or, if you worked out, however you were probably allotted time in the yard. If you had a house in the suburbs, someone had to cut the grass.

What location you live in would determine if anyone ever tried to shank or shiv you, although I believe they’re the same thing.

When you’ve just been released from Shawshank you don’t go right back into normal society, you start out in a halfway house.

Divorced with kids, you’re an institutionalized man now. Unless you were smart enough to cheat on your wife, you’re starting over in a rude and unfamiliar world. You’ve forgotten all your old moves, and it’s time to hone whatever skills you had, once again.

You need your halfway house if you’re ever gonna find your way back to the G-spot. Your game and confidence is shot. Chances are your ex got your balls in the divorce. It depends how good her lawyer was.

If you lost your jewels in a nasty custody battle, or are still fighting for them along with your house, SUV, and actual jewels, I think it’s time for you to volunteer with the local chapter of the Parent Teacher’s Association: The PTA.

Doing good will make you feel good, and aid in the regrowth of your testicles. Hahaha, I’m joking completely.

However, this is no joke. Attending a PTA meeting is like going to a brothel where you don’t have to pay. Not too many men roll through these meetings, so the women are like horny vultures.


Look for “The Wingman Chronicles” hitting book stores in next year to read the rest of the story!