CREEPIN’ W/ THE WINGMAN — SARCASM COMEDY CLUB — CHERRY HILL, NJ

Saturday, June 25th 2011

 

Matt L.

1.   What is the minimum amount of money a guy should receive to suck another guy’s dick?

It depends on the guy’s skills. Just joking. I’m really not the guy to ask about such homoerotic questions. If that’s your thing, Matt, that’s cool… But you’re better off finding pricing information from a man who you know, enjoys or at least, is willing to suck cock.

2.   When is it inappropriate to laugh during sex?

When you’re complimenting a girl. It’s kind of a give away that you’re lying from the heart.

3.   Is that the right hole?

If it feels good it’s always the right hole.

 

Anonymous

How do you feel about frontal male nudity?

I don’t like to see it, but I like to show it.

 

Anonymous

What are your feelings on a rusty trombone?

I’m not a fan of anything to do with my ass… And I don’t eat ass.

 

Blowme aka your Mom

Is it okay to give your Mom and Dad pointers after you walk in on them?

Of course. I think that would be a nice thing to do. Let’s face it Mom and Dad probably aren’t with the young trends. If you could provide a tip or two I’m sure your parents would be very grateful. My parents ask me into the bedroom with them, and I’m always glad to help. I appreciate family.

 

Tara

1.   What is the best cleaning product to get semen out of fur?

Tara… I think that fur is gone. Next time you’re meeting a stuff. Where a cheap imitation or at least cover yourself with a cum poncho. I always keep a bag nearby with rain gear for these situations.

2.   If a vagina isn’t used, will it seal up and close?

I’ve convinced girls that it would, and used that to get them into bed. It was creative marketing. But honestly, I’m going to have to go with no. Although it will turn into a dried out cactus crotch which is basically the same thing.

 

B. At what point in a relationship do you share a copy of a house key?

Haven’t you been listening? Never.  That’s like inviting a vampire into your house… But worse. Vampires are less crazy than some girls. Read my crazy bitches piece.

https://wingmanchronicles.wordpress.com/2011/04/11/combating-crazy/

Anonymous

Do women have a fourth hole?

Yes… As well as fifth, sixth, seventh, and possibly eighth… Ears, nostrils, belly button if it’s an innie. Heroin whores have way more.

 

Reggie

Is it appropriate to grab somebody by the ass in the grocery store?

Of course… It’s a great way to say hello. More people should do it. And if it leads to sex, stay out of the frozen food section because you might not be able to get it up. And if it leads to jailtime, there’s bound to be casualties of war.

 

Ess

How do you get your man to shave his balls without hurting his poor little feelings?

Get him drunk, and when he’s passed out shave his balls in his sleep. If you want to be more up front, just stop blowing him until he manscapes.

 

Anonymous

As a guy would you rather date a woman with a 7 face and 10 body, or a 10 face and 7 body?

Either way 7 to 10 are solid scores in face or body. Personally, I’d rather date a girl with a 10 face and 7 body, because the face would be shown off. I’d rather bang a girl with a 10 face and 7 body because fucking has very little to do with the face.

 

Anonymous

What’s the proper way to perform the Cleveland Steamer?

Not to… Unless you’re looking for a good way to breakup, get revenge, or keep a crazy ex away. Unless they’re really fucked up, shitting on them in any way, shape or form should do the trick.

 

Anonymous

What is a dirty sanchez?

A sex act that has become cliché… But it’s not my style. Read Urban Dictionary you dirty motherfucker.

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The Wingman: High Class Player Teaser

By James Holeva

I may be a player, but I’m not “The Situation,” I’m Sinatra.

Just because I enjoy the company of many different women, and I have the skills to make that happen, don’t lump me in with those those low class, hack, wannabe Jersey Shore type players. I’m a high class player with the swagger and style of an old-school gentleman.

Like The Ratpack making the rounds in Vegas… What I may lack in crooning ability, I make up for by knowing what to say.

You’ll often hear a girl preach to a friend about the ills of a player, but ladies, why wouldn’t you want a player?

He knows how to treat a lady, woo a lady, fuck a lady…

Would you prefer a man who knows what he’s doing or a bumbling idiot who has no idea what to say or how to act? Let alone where to put his dick, or how to use his tongue?

Sex is one thing. A skilled lover is nice. But do you want a charming guy with confidence and swagger who knows how to open the door, compliment you, and sweep you off your feet? Or do you want a guy who doesn’t have the balls to look you in the eye, and make a move?

In most jobs, they look for real world business experience, why should dating be any different?

Look for “The Wingman Chronicles” hitting book stores in next year to read the rest of the story!

Dumpster Diving Teaser

 

I sat in my friend’s living room with him and the evening’s bargain-basement prey, sipping Lion’s Head and talking nonsense as I counted the minutes till I could take her to the bedroom.

She was good looking in that slightly beat up, small town, simple minded, non-reading, a few teeth out of place kinda way. Eh, she was definitely adequate in my drunken state; as well as the chain-smoking, jack-swilling, staggering prom queen of the dive bar we were at.

I was surprised the grimy establishment didn’t have heroin needles strewn across the floor.

My friend would not stop with the incessant yammering, attempting to bond with my lady of the night. I was staying there because his house was in walking distance from the shithole he dragged me to.

“What do you do?” he asked her. “Have another drink. Would you like a Xanax to go with your beer?”

Shut the fuck up already! I wanna get laid. And for god sakes no Xanys… she’ll go right to sleep.

If she’s passed out before I could get laid that would be catastrophic. I might have spent three to four bucks on her at the bar. I was ready to get what I paid for.

I’m sorry he couldn’t wrangle a girl to bring back. I initiated opportunities, but I guess his ace pickup line — “I’m the greatest football player to ever come out of Lackawanna County” — wasn’t working on the dirt bar socialites.

Finally, I whispered to my girl to go to the bedroom, and as I was walking away my buddy grabbed me.

 

Look for “The Wingman Chronicles” hitting book stores in next year to read the rest of the story!