Are you a Cockblocker?

Just about every group of girls has a cockblocker who does her best to keep the night from getting out of hand, or as I like to call it, becoming fun. No, you’re not protecting your friends, you’re making them hate you.

Obviously the guys trying to bang your buddies could do without you, but the reason your friends go out is not to hangout with you, catch up, chit-chat, support you through life’s foibles and milestones – nobody gives a fuck. The reason a girl gets dressed sexy, puts on uncomfortable heels or thigh high whore boots, and spends a night buying expensive drinks instead of sitting in bed drinking cheap boxed wine is to get fucked.

Who are you to stand in the way of that? A lot of your friends validate themselves by giving random guys bangs and blowjobs, and you’re looking to keep that from happening and take away a friend’s happiness? All I could say is how could you live with yourself?

But, granted a lot of you cockblockers are just cunts, however many of you possess self-delusion that keeps you from realizing how awful you are for everyone to be around. So I put together this guide that could help cockblockers figure out if they might be one so they could put a stop to it, or at least it could sink in for your friends that you’re stifling their adventure, and they should never talk to you again.

It’s very simple, you might be a cockblocker if…

 

You’re the least attractive girl in the group.

It doesn’t matter if you were the ace in the minors and are now relegated to bullpen status with the major league hotties, you’re still the one attracting the least amount of attention from guys.  Therefore, if guys are hitting on your friends and not you, you often defuse the situation so you’re not the only one without a dick to play with. You should either prove your worth by making out with girls in public, fucking guys in random places, and being more apt to degrade yourself, or go back to the minors where your troll-like looks will be more accepted.

You’re a prude.

Come on let’s face it, your friends go off at the end of the night with whoever looked decent, bought some shots and spun bullshit stories that made them drunkenly swoon and you called it an early night because you have respect for yourself and are saving it for a guy who means something. I know, I know, you’re not that kind of girl. Right, you’re a cunt instead. You really deserve to be dropped from your group of friends because you don’t exactly bring much to the table. In fact, your good girl act comes off kind of snobby. Not a turn-on.

You’re in a committed relationship, your friends are not.

You’ve been lucky enough to find that true love all ladies long for but you’re not gonna be that girl who drops her bitches. Yeah, well maybe they should drop you. Let me guess you party hard on the first couple cosmos and then 11 rolls around – “honey, you really should slow down. This place is dying down. I’m tired. You know how Ron gets if I’m out too late.” We get it, you have to go home and be miserable so why should your friends get to be dirty and happy?

You feel a need to protect your friends, or as I like to call it, ruin the party.

 Do you find yourself talking your friend out of things? “Do you really wanna do this with some random guy you just met, he’s only after one thing, he’ll like you more if you let him call you in the morning?” Maybe she doesn’t want to be liked more, maybe she’s drunk, horny and wants to have a rousing of round of rough sex with someone she’ll never see again. What’s wrong with that? We get it, nobody likes you and you want all of your friend’s attention for yourself.

You’re a new Mommy.

There are two types of mothers – moms who go out with the intention of being a whore on their day off — maybe they care about their kids, maybe they don’t, maybe they’re a good mother, maybe they’re awful, doesn’t matter at the bar — we like this type of Mommy. And then, there’s the Mom that goes out with her group of friends to brag how she has a baby and they don’t, and when a random dude is trying to makeout with your BFF you’re shoving baby pictures in her face. Your girlfriends do not care how cute your son who’s probably gonna turn out to be gay looked in his sailor outfit, they care about getting fucked. There’s a reason you no longer get as many texts to hangout, because you suck.

 

My humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles” is now available on Amazon. Check out description, customer reviews and a free sample right here.

My filthy novel “The Wingman Chronicles.”

Are You A Good Girlfriend? Part Two

The Long-Term Courtship

Ladies, you constantly complain about the passion and fun of your relationship dwindling as it develops into the long-term ordeal you’ve dreamed of since you were a little girl.

“He’s not the guy I thought he was, it’s not as fun as it used to be, he’s addicted to porn and all our pillowcases are stiffer than his cock gets when I touch it.”

All common courtship issues.

Quite honestly, I really do care about you people to try to fix these problems because a good portion of my pussy is being the “other man” for women unhappy in their current situation, yet another way I do my best to help. How have I not been awarded for my service?

Anyway, in my last blog post you broads asked yourselves if you were giving off signals that you’d be a good girlfriend in the early stages of getting to know each other, and in this one, I want you to reflect on your behavior once you’re well into a relationship.

Do you still fuck?

When you first started out you probably fucked five times a day  – it was one grand, constant orgasm  – but now do you fuck five times a year? The sex inevitably slows down for a variety of reasons – on both the guy and girl’s parts – you become complacent. Did you get comfortable, get stressed, get fat? Girls will often put on a few pounds in their relationship due to feeling so comfortable with the love of their life, busy, or simply  fucking lazy. So, they’ll not initiate the beautiful act of boning as much as they used to, or worse, consistently turn him away. It’s not about who started it, it’s about fixing the problem. Rape him every chance you get.

Is the fucking formulaic?

Do you still bang regularly, but too regularly? Is it Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 10, missionary style and then you finish off by pushing yourself on top?  What makes relationships sour, in every aspect, is routine. I get it. You have your job schedules, kid schedules, workout schedules, but do you really have to have a fuck schedule? Sex should be spontaneous in all aspects – times, places, and ways it’s done.

Do you suck his dick?

The most common thing I’ve seen in a relationship is blowjobs becoming a thing of the past. When it first started out you gave him one at night and one with his morning coffee but now he’s lucky if he gets a hummer for his birthday. Think of the advantages to fellatio – the ultimate power it gives you over him. The more blowjobs he’s getting the more he’s going to go out of his way for you in the bedroom – initiating sex, fulfilling foreplay, returning the favor – and out of the bedroom – buying you gifts, romantic gestures, his general demeanor. Show me a happy man and I’ll show you man who just got his dick sucked.

Do you have a ZZ Top concert between your legs?

The longer a girl is in a relationship, the more hair on her pussy. Get rid of that shit, for real. A girl’s definition of shaving her pussy seems to change once she’s in a relationship. You’ll say oh honey, I shaved and then still have half a Jew fro down there. Gross. Shaving means waxing. I like a bald pussy or a sexy landing strip, if I wanted a seventies porno bush I’d watch “Deep Throat” again. Every girl should have a professional do the job, Brazilian style. If you’re apprehensive read this article about the joys of a good poon wax by Calen “Kat” Spindler.

Do you talk down to him?

Come on, be serious. Really evaluate how to speak to him. Are there times you yell at him and tell him what to do? Worse, do you make fun of him, point out shortcomings and all around disrespect him in front of friends?

Do you take it up the ass?

Come on, don’t be such a bitch about the ass. It’s fun, it’s dirty, and if you think you don’t like it, that’s in your head. Every girl who hasn’t done the ass or has rarely done the ass will fight me on this one, but trust me, the ass has become a very popular option with the upstanding young ladies. See for yourself.

 

If you dig my blog check out my humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles.”

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles available in E-book & paperback on Amazon

The Wingman Chronicles on Amazon UK!

Are You a Good Girlfriend?

If you’re a girl who chronically complains that you can’t find a boyfriend and you have no idea why, like in most occurrences of male-female drama, it’s probably your fault.

You have some questions to ask yourself, and if you are answering yes to any of these, you have your answer. And by changing your behavior in the future, as long as you’re decent looking and not a complete cunt, you will find yourself saddled with the relationship torture you long for. I promise.

Like all great relationships it’ll be a modern day fairy tale where you’ll constantly boss your man around and act like awful things such as apple picking, looking at foliage and having kids are an absolute blast. To make things better, since you’re so comfortable with each other, you’ll be able to stop giving blowjobs and grow an afro between your legs. Relationships really are the greatest thing on earth.

Are You A Flake?

Be honest – did you repeatedly blow him off? I’m not saying stand him up at Burger King, but did you make plans on a Wednesday for the weekend and then not call him back, or have something else SUDDENLY come up that was more important than bonding over Whoppers with cheese?

Or, when he tried to make plans with you did you repeatedly give him “maybe,” “I’m not sure what I’m doing,” “Let me see what’s going on,” “Text me Saturday,” “Depends what the girls are doing,” “If I’m still alive?” Girls complain guys don’t make concrete plans anymore but when we attempt to you girls are hard to lock into a date, and often break plans. This is a much bigger problem with younger girls.

Are You A Flirt?

Did you meet up in the same club or block of bars you go to every weekend, mingling with the same crew of drunks? And when you’re at this place you go to because you “know everybody” which is code for “get guaranteed attention and not pay for a drink,” even though you’re supposed to be hanging with your new guy did you still flirt with all the usual suspects – some you’ve fucked, others you’ve blown, some with whom he’s witnessed you engage in a sloppy public display of  horniness?

When you’re out with him you’re his lady for the evening. I don’t give a fuck if you’re just talking, hanging out, casually dating – whatever the fuck you want to call it. You want to be treated like a lady, listen to Sinatra’s “Luck Be A Lady” before the next time you meet the dude you’re talking to at the bar.

Let Me Guess, They’re Just Your Friends…

That’s what you tell the guy you’re interested in when every guy at the bar flirts with you. You’re simply talking to your friends. Well, it comes off like you’re not interested and it’s rather rude. Go to a place you don’t know everybody – while I have banged, casually dated and been in serious relationships with girls more than a decade younger, and more than a decade older – while it’s difficult to pinpoint who’s crazier, I have to say this ADD is a problem with the younger girls. They’re like puppies distracted by shiny objects.

Hot/Cold?

You text right back for a few days or initiate contact leading to long bouts of banter, but then he sends you several texts and you ignore him for a day or two. Then, a day later you’re shooting him a text at 8 in the morning and going back and forth all day – then it stops again. We get it – you’re getting close but trying to avoid getting close, you like him but don’t want to seem too available, all guys cling to you and you don’t want that to happen with this one.

What all this really means is you like him but are afraid of getting hurt. To a guy this comes off as annoying and bitchy, and after a while a guy with balls and self respect figures ‘Fuck her, I know several interested broads who are only half as cunty.’

Don’t Listen to Your Friends

No girlfriend wants their friend to be happier than they are, and no guy friend wants their female BFF to bang anyone but them. The only person with an unbiased opinion is a gay guy. Not gay women, however, because like your straight guy friends, they just want to ravage you.

“I’m a Fuck Buddy, Not a Whore”

You get a text message at 2:15 a.m.  It’s your fuck buddy wondering if he could stop by. Hmm, what could that really mean?

He was out at the bar and his pathetic attempts to coax every decent looking broad into bed went unanswered, but it’s okay, he’ll fuck his sure thing. Yet, you didn’t get any of the free vodka tonics or lemon drops he was being worked for all night. It doesn’t sound terribly fair to you.

But what do you do? You tell him to come over, have a round of sex that’s average at best, and find yourself depressed about the encounter the next morning. Yet, a week later you get the same late night text, and provide the same result.

This isn’t what you signed up for. You were supposed to be a fuck buddy, not a whore. You’re a woman who wanted recurring commitment-free sex, yet at the same time you had some sort of self-respect. If you want to be treated like a lady, fucked like a whore and then do whatever you want the next day, it’s up to you to use your pussy power to do that.

(If you prefer the whore role, by all means I encourage you to be the whore your Momma raised you to be. But, this piece is for girls who enjoy dirty sex but still want to be treated like a human being. I’m a wingman for all.)

Real Truth, Not Girl Truth

When you tell a guy what you want, it’d be nice if you actually told him what you want. Not what you think he wants to hear, not what the persona you work to give off should say, not what your stupid friends tell you to say what you really want.

So many times girls will say: I just want to be your whore. I just want you to fuck me.  The sweet stuff makes me sick. If it’s not a dirty word, I don’t want to hear it.”

We do exactly as you say, and then find you cutting off our arrangement and hating us. For as much as you broads talk it’d be nice if you actually told the “real truth” once in a while. If you have a problem with something, be completely straight about it. Don’t give him some vague metaphor, or provide a map of clues. Trust me, he’s too stupid to find the buried treasure.

 

You’re Not On Call

When that late night spur of the moment text message comes in, ignore it. You’re not a consolation prize. And if he asks why you didn’t text back don’t pull the “I was sleeping” or “I didn’t see it bullshit.” Tell him that if you’re going to fuck, you need to be entertained first. Don’t worry – he’ll still want to fuck you. And if for some reason he doesn’t, it’ll take you five minutes to find a replacement fuck buddy. Remember, the weapon of mass destruction between your legs gives you control.

Make Him Woo

A hooker gets paid so why shouldn’t you? I’m not saying cash is handed to you before, during or after the filthy festivities but there’s no reason he can’t take you out for sushi, drinks  — or if he’s married and can’t be seen with you in public – provide a classy takeout dinner of pizza, wings and boxed wine.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Just because you’re not immersed in a committed courtship doesn’t mean he can’t act like somewhat of a decent human being when your clothes are on. He could actually be friendly, cordial, and kind, exemplifying pre and post bang chivalry. He doesn’t have to come home to you every night so he should be able to fake it for a little while.

 

If you enjoyed this check out my book “The Wingman Chronicles,” available in digital and paperback formats through Amazon and Amazon UK. Hope to see you at a standup show/book signing soon!

The Wingman Chronicles available on Amazon. Download, tell your friends, and leave a review!

The Wingman Chronicles on Amazon UK!

The Wingman’s Guide to Eating Pussy

Eating pussy is like a French Kiss, but down there. It’s passionate, it’s erotic, it’s sweet and it’s dirty — and you’re either good or atrocious. If you’re proficient, you will be rewarded. If you’re inept, she won’t want you anywhere near it.

As guys it’s important for us to perform cunnilingus to level the playing field that exists in any sexual tug of war. Make no mistake the pussy does have the power — we’ve established that — but muff-diving is our way to take control of it. Girls that say they don’t enjoy cunnilingus, or won’t let a guy go down on them, say so for one reason: Because they are afraid to let another have control of their weapon of mass destruction.

The problem is the majority of guys don’t know what the fuck they’re doing down there, and unlike a simple dick, a vagina is a formidable beast to tame. As your Wingman I thought it best I break down the techniques I regularly use to turn a girl into a squirter.

It’s not a fucking lollipop

There’s no point of putting your head down there and licking back and forth because it doesn’t have a chewy Tootsie Roll center. Start out slow and gentle, then increase your pace and intensity until you’re mauling her poon, spreading it wide open as you alternate between licks, tongue-fucks, and swirls. Also, varying your tongue motions will keep you from cramping.

 

She’s got the magic clit

Make no mistake, the clit is the real G-spot. You flick that fucker and the control will belong to you. Don’t be afraid to get aggressive. Lick, suck, nibble, and use your fingers.

Learn to multitask

Put your tongue to work on her clit as you finger-bang her pussy, then fire your tongue back inside her while you rub the clit. Then mix up the order. Also, multitasking isn’t only happening in the crotch-vicinity. Grab her thighs, squeeze her hips, slap her ass… Just because you’re eating an order of raw clams doesn’t mean you don’t sample some of the other menu items, or pay attention to the rest of your guests at the table.

Know your audience

Although it may be trimmed just so that it appears to be a clone of a vagina you’ve seen before, no two pussies are alike. You need to feel out how your broad is reacting and assess what she’s reacting to, and adjust your act accordingly. Don’t follow any set plan. Eating pussy is like playing improvisational jazz, and no two shows should ever be alike. Pay attention to what your audience is giving you, and respond accordingly. You’re making direct contact it’s not hard to tell which motions ignite awe-inspiring ecstasy. Observe the way her body contorts — her legs tensing up, back arching, pussy drooling on your face like when you sleep with your dog – the moves you’re making at that moment are your best options.

Have fun down there, slugger…

If you watching a movie and an actor’s performance seems forced and stiff you don’t enjoy it nearly as much as if it was relaxed and natural. Have fun down there. While a girl could get away with going through the motions while a cock’s in her mouth because chances are we’re still going to cum, girls require a mental connection and maintain great attention to detail. If she doesn’t see you having a ball between her legs all you’re going to do is give her a desert crotch. She’ll be too dry and chafed for you to stick your cock in, and too annoyed to suck your dick.

Enjoy your meal

Often times pussy tastes good, however if it tastes like raw sewage you need to still make her think it has the flavor of your favorite dessert. This is your chance to fake it, just like women do everyday. Force it down, compliment her, and smile just like you did when she cooked you shitty organic health-food a couple hours earlier. Lying is always a part of creepin’ – even when you’re naked.

 

My humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles” is now available on Amazon. Check out description, customer reviews and a free sample right here.

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles

The Wingman’s Guide to Sucking Cock

If you’re sucking a guy’s dick, and he says “you’re such a whore,” that is the ultimate compliment. Like any endeavor, when it comes to blowjobs, practice makes perfect.

I know some guys will say “there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob” — all that tells me is they never never experienced truly awe-inspiring fellatio. Don’t get me wrong, any blowjob is better than no blowjob. But given the option, you want the best blowjob a dinner at a chain restaurant could buy.

You know how they say the sex is better when it’s with someone you really care about, I buy that. I agree. Connection is important. But with blowjobs, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Generally someone who really cares for you gets comfortable and lazy,  no longer putting forth her best effort when oxygen is limited.

My best blowjob came from a nasty-ass behemoth I met after a show in some sleepy little town in upstate New York. She was a fat, trashy, floozy, but the pickens were slim, and she offered to suck my cock. It was the best blowjob I ever had. It made me feel like I just brushed my teeth, but down there.

To this day, I’ll be watching a porno, jerking off to a smoking hot fake-breasted broad, and suddenly find myself thinking of that gargoyle giving me that wonderful hummer. Then as I begin to ejaculate I get depressed I allowed myself to sink to such awful depths. It’s a combination cum-cry, with a grimace of disgust thrown in.

Anyway, ladies, follow these rules and no matter how much disdain a guy may have for you, he’ll think of you every time he blows his load.

Go Deep

If you didn’t go down far enough to induce vomiting, you need to go farther. I’ve actually had that happen. I said, “Thank you. That was great. And you look amazing.”

Use Your Hands

If you’re only using your mouth, you’re doing half the work. You need to vary things by using both hands – throw a right, a left, and a knock out combination to keep us guessing.

Work the Balls

You’re swallowing up that dong, taking care of all of it, but the balls are just sitting their lonely like a the last two kids who didn’t get picked for Dodgeball.

Start by playing with the balls by gently grabbing them with your hands – not aggressively pulling – that’s just cruel. When you’re licking the base of the cock bring your tongue down to the balls, licking them, and lightly sucking on them like they’re cherry Jolly Ranchers.

Handle Ass Play on a Case by Case Basis

When you’ve gotten to the bottom of the balls and explored the taint, for me, there’s a line you don’t cross. Which means you don’t lick, finger, or stick any sort of objects (I don’t care how small), near my butthole. It wouldn’t be in your best interest. Sometimes I don’t wipe properly.

However some guys like a finger shoved up their ass during a BJ, or even a rim job. Your best bet is to ask what they’re into before you do anything in that vicinity. Don’t be embarrassed.The awkwardness works better as part of a conversation, than in a trial and error experience. Trust me.

Finish the Job

Sucking dick without swallowing is like taking your dog for a walk and not picking up its shit. Show some fucking follow through. I don’t know how your momma raised you, but in my family we were taught to take initiative, have passion, and finish what we start. When a girl doesn’t guzzle my cum I have a good mind to call her mom and find out where she went wrong.

Come Up for Air

I’m not saying stop, I’m saying vary the activity. Otherwise you’re liable to get lock jaw. Alternate sucking to licking the penis up and down with your lips. I can’t stand when girls vigorously suck my cock as fast as they could without varying the pace and position. It’s not supposed to be assembly line work, it’s an art.

 
My humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles” is now available on Amazon. Check out description, customer reviews and a free sample right here.

My filthy novel “The Wingman Chronicles”

CREEPIN’ AT THE HOSPITAL

Sadly, no matter how good your coverage, under the current administration insurance companies refuse to offer sex workers as part of your health care package.
I don’t believe it myself, but despite my charming bravado I lack the political clout to make a difference. So it’s up to you.
If you’re laid up in a hospital, and you want the best treatment, it’s your responsibility to fight for it.
There’s nothing that will cure a man’s illness, or injury, and the mental anguish that accompanies, more than an ejaculation induced by someone other than himself. Personally, I think that should be in a nurse’s job description. They’re emptying your bed pan, why can’t they blow you, or at least administer a hand job?

She could wear a rubber glove if it’ll make her feel better.
I mean these nurses say they want to make a difference, here’s their chance. Even a good old fashioned wet dry hump will aid in your recovery.
Anyway, until nurse/whore becomes a combination occupation, the creeping is up to you and me.
Don’t be depressed. You’re in a perfect situation. Candy stripers, nurses, female doctors — anytime you’re in a spot where a girl is forced to talk to you and be nice to you, you’re in an excellent creepin’ position…
Especially when she has to be in a room alone with you. And you’re already wearing a backless gown and going commando… The progression to relations is perfectly natural. Granted the hospital personnel probably aren’t drunk while they’re working, but I think you could play the sympathy card for an easy piece of ass.
If it’s a girl with a heart (yes, some of them have one) you could coax her with your own sadness and get some pussy outta pity. Good times. Maybe one of the girls tending to you has a chemical dependency, and you could give her some of your morphine drip.
Hey, if you were in a bar wouldn’t you buy a girl a drink? It’s the same thing — hospital creepin’ currency.
Maybe you could even fake an injury, and make your move in the sponge bath. That brings back memories. No, it’s cool. I like going to the hospital. My Dad sells accident insurance so I make out pretty good.
You need to pinpoint which of the girls you’re coming in contact with are the most empathetic, because your game won’t work on a cold, hard bitch. If it’s a miserable ice queen, you could often bond with her by making fun of pathetic patients or hospital workers. She’ll like that.
You have to read the situation before you call the play, but I’ve bonded with many broads, in all venues, by creating laughs at the expense of others.
It can be a very effective technique. Girls who enjoy making themselves feel better by cutting others down behind their back is something that begins in the crib, but never ends.
So, if you’re creeping impaired and have good insurance, just fake your way into a hospital. Getting girls to talk to you won’t be hard because they don’t have a choice. Like I said, my father sells accident insurance. Hit me up, and I’ll hook you up. You won’t find many authors who look out for their readers like I do.

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