Are you a Cockblocker?

Just about every group of girls has a cockblocker who does her best to keep the night from getting out of hand, or as I like to call it, becoming fun. No, you’re not protecting your friends, you’re making them hate you.

Obviously the guys trying to bang your buddies could do without you, but the reason your friends go out is not to hangout with you, catch up, chit-chat, support you through life’s foibles and milestones – nobody gives a fuck. The reason a girl gets dressed sexy, puts on uncomfortable heels or thigh high whore boots, and spends a night buying expensive drinks instead of sitting in bed drinking cheap boxed wine is to get fucked.

Who are you to stand in the way of that? A lot of your friends validate themselves by giving random guys bangs and blowjobs, and you’re looking to keep that from happening and take away a friend’s happiness? All I could say is how could you live with yourself?

But, granted a lot of you cockblockers are just cunts, however many of you possess self-delusion that keeps you from realizing how awful you are for everyone to be around. So I put together this guide that could help cockblockers figure out if they might be one so they could put a stop to it, or at least it could sink in for your friends that you’re stifling their adventure, and they should never talk to you again.

It’s very simple, you might be a cockblocker if…

 

You’re the least attractive girl in the group.

It doesn’t matter if you were the ace in the minors and are now relegated to bullpen status with the major league hotties, you’re still the one attracting the least amount of attention from guys.  Therefore, if guys are hitting on your friends and not you, you often defuse the situation so you’re not the only one without a dick to play with. You should either prove your worth by making out with girls in public, fucking guys in random places, and being more apt to degrade yourself, or go back to the minors where your troll-like looks will be more accepted.

You’re a prude.

Come on let’s face it, your friends go off at the end of the night with whoever looked decent, bought some shots and spun bullshit stories that made them drunkenly swoon and you called it an early night because you have respect for yourself and are saving it for a guy who means something. I know, I know, you’re not that kind of girl. Right, you’re a cunt instead. You really deserve to be dropped from your group of friends because you don’t exactly bring much to the table. In fact, your good girl act comes off kind of snobby. Not a turn-on.

You’re in a committed relationship, your friends are not.

You’ve been lucky enough to find that true love all ladies long for but you’re not gonna be that girl who drops her bitches. Yeah, well maybe they should drop you. Let me guess you party hard on the first couple cosmos and then 11 rolls around – “honey, you really should slow down. This place is dying down. I’m tired. You know how Ron gets if I’m out too late.” We get it, you have to go home and be miserable so why should your friends get to be dirty and happy?

You feel a need to protect your friends, or as I like to call it, ruin the party.

 Do you find yourself talking your friend out of things? “Do you really wanna do this with some random guy you just met, he’s only after one thing, he’ll like you more if you let him call you in the morning?” Maybe she doesn’t want to be liked more, maybe she’s drunk, horny and wants to have a rousing of round of rough sex with someone she’ll never see again. What’s wrong with that? We get it, nobody likes you and you want all of your friend’s attention for yourself.

You’re a new Mommy.

There are two types of mothers – moms who go out with the intention of being a whore on their day off — maybe they care about their kids, maybe they don’t, maybe they’re a good mother, maybe they’re awful, doesn’t matter at the bar — we like this type of Mommy. And then, there’s the Mom that goes out with her group of friends to brag how she has a baby and they don’t, and when a random dude is trying to makeout with your BFF you’re shoving baby pictures in her face. Your girlfriends do not care how cute your son who’s probably gonna turn out to be gay looked in his sailor outfit, they care about getting fucked. There’s a reason you no longer get as many texts to hangout, because you suck.

 

My humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles” is now available on Amazon. Check out description, customer reviews and a free sample right here.

My filthy novel “The Wingman Chronicles.”

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4 Comments

  1. Your posts are, without a doubt, hilarious!

  2. After reading this I have to call some bitches up and tell them to come read this cause they are so going to find that this is what they do! So thankyou for writing this!

  3. Seriously made my day and described a majority of my friends. Thank you! I am going to pass this around! 🙂


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