Are You a Good Girlfriend?

If you’re a girl who chronically complains that you can’t find a boyfriend and you have no idea why, like in most occurrences of male-female drama, it’s probably your fault.

You have some questions to ask yourself, and if you are answering yes to any of these, you have your answer. And by changing your behavior in the future, as long as you’re decent looking and not a complete cunt, you will find yourself saddled with the relationship torture you long for. I promise.

Like all great relationships it’ll be a modern day fairy tale where you’ll constantly boss your man around and act like awful things such as apple picking, looking at foliage and having kids are an absolute blast. To make things better, since you’re so comfortable with each other, you’ll be able to stop giving blowjobs and grow an afro between your legs. Relationships really are the greatest thing on earth.

Are You A Flake?

Be honest – did you repeatedly blow him off? I’m not saying stand him up at Burger King, but did you make plans on a Wednesday for the weekend and then not call him back, or have something else SUDDENLY come up that was more important than bonding over Whoppers with cheese?

Or, when he tried to make plans with you did you repeatedly give him “maybe,” “I’m not sure what I’m doing,” “Let me see what’s going on,” “Text me Saturday,” “Depends what the girls are doing,” “If I’m still alive?” Girls complain guys don’t make concrete plans anymore but when we attempt to you girls are hard to lock into a date, and often break plans. This is a much bigger problem with younger girls.

Are You A Flirt?

Did you meet up in the same club or block of bars you go to every weekend, mingling with the same crew of drunks? And when you’re at this place you go to because you “know everybody” which is code for “get guaranteed attention and not pay for a drink,” even though you’re supposed to be hanging with your new guy did you still flirt with all the usual suspects – some you’ve fucked, others you’ve blown, some with whom he’s witnessed you engage in a sloppy public display of  horniness?

When you’re out with him you’re his lady for the evening. I don’t give a fuck if you’re just talking, hanging out, casually dating – whatever the fuck you want to call it. You want to be treated like a lady, listen to Sinatra’s “Luck Be A Lady” before the next time you meet the dude you’re talking to at the bar.

Let Me Guess, They’re Just Your Friends…

That’s what you tell the guy you’re interested in when every guy at the bar flirts with you. You’re simply talking to your friends. Well, it comes off like you’re not interested and it’s rather rude. Go to a place you don’t know everybody – while I have banged, casually dated and been in serious relationships with girls more than a decade younger, and more than a decade older – while it’s difficult to pinpoint who’s crazier, I have to say this ADD is a problem with the younger girls. They’re like puppies distracted by shiny objects.

Hot/Cold?

You text right back for a few days or initiate contact leading to long bouts of banter, but then he sends you several texts and you ignore him for a day or two. Then, a day later you’re shooting him a text at 8 in the morning and going back and forth all day – then it stops again. We get it – you’re getting close but trying to avoid getting close, you like him but don’t want to seem too available, all guys cling to you and you don’t want that to happen with this one.

What all this really means is you like him but are afraid of getting hurt. To a guy this comes off as annoying and bitchy, and after a while a guy with balls and self respect figures ‘Fuck her, I know several interested broads who are only half as cunty.’

Don’t Listen to Your Friends

No girlfriend wants their friend to be happier than they are, and no guy friend wants their female BFF to bang anyone but them. The only person with an unbiased opinion is a gay guy. Not gay women, however, because like your straight guy friends, they just want to ravage you.

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