The Wingman’s Guide to Eating Pussy

Eating pussy is like a French Kiss, but down there. It’s passionate, it’s erotic, it’s sweet and it’s dirty — and you’re either good or atrocious. If you’re proficient, you will be rewarded. If you’re inept, she won’t want you anywhere near it.

As guys it’s important for us to perform cunnilingus to level the playing field that exists in any sexual tug of war. Make no mistake the pussy does have the power — we’ve established that — but muff-diving is our way to take control of it. Girls that say they don’t enjoy cunnilingus, or won’t let a guy go down on them, say so for one reason: Because they are afraid to let another have control of their weapon of mass destruction.

The problem is the majority of guys don’t know what the fuck they’re doing down there, and unlike a simple dick, a vagina is a formidable beast to tame. As your Wingman I thought it best I break down the techniques I regularly use to turn a girl into a squirter.

It’s not a fucking lollipop

There’s no point of putting your head down there and licking back and forth because it doesn’t have a chewy Tootsie Roll center. Start out slow and gentle, then increase your pace and intensity until you’re mauling her poon, spreading it wide open as you alternate between licks, tongue-fucks, and swirls. Also, varying your tongue motions will keep you from cramping.


She’s got the magic clit

Make no mistake, the clit is the real G-spot. You flick that fucker and the control will belong to you. Don’t be afraid to get aggressive. Lick, suck, nibble, and use your fingers.

Learn to multitask

Put your tongue to work on her clit as you finger-bang her pussy, then fire your tongue back inside her while you rub the clit. Then mix up the order. Also, multitasking isn’t only happening in the crotch-vicinity. Grab her thighs, squeeze her hips, slap her ass… Just because you’re eating an order of raw clams doesn’t mean you don’t sample some of the other menu items, or pay attention to the rest of your guests at the table.

Know your audience

Although it may be trimmed just so that it appears to be a clone of a vagina you’ve seen before, no two pussies are alike. You need to feel out how your broad is reacting and assess what she’s reacting to, and adjust your act accordingly. Don’t follow any set plan. Eating pussy is like playing improvisational jazz, and no two shows should ever be alike. Pay attention to what your audience is giving you, and respond accordingly. You’re making direct contact it’s not hard to tell which motions ignite awe-inspiring ecstasy. Observe the way her body contorts — her legs tensing up, back arching, pussy drooling on your face like when you sleep with your dog – the moves you’re making at that moment are your best options.

Have fun down there, slugger…

If you watching a movie and an actor’s performance seems forced and stiff you don’t enjoy it nearly as much as if it was relaxed and natural. Have fun down there. While a girl could get away with going through the motions while a cock’s in her mouth because chances are we’re still going to cum, girls require a mental connection and maintain great attention to detail. If she doesn’t see you having a ball between her legs all you’re going to do is give her a desert crotch. She’ll be too dry and chafed for you to stick your cock in, and too annoyed to suck your dick.

Enjoy your meal

Often times pussy tastes good, however if it tastes like raw sewage you need to still make her think it has the flavor of your favorite dessert. This is your chance to fake it, just like women do everyday. Force it down, compliment her, and smile just like you did when she cooked you shitty organic health-food a couple hours earlier. Lying is always a part of creepin’ – even when you’re naked.


My humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles” is now available on Amazon. Check out description, customer reviews and a free sample right here.

My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles


  1. Most woman James , like a clean shaved chin when you eating her Buffett dinner trust me on that , a rough picky chin usually hurts them an makes it uncomfortable for them . So consider that before you take the plunge

    • I don’t like going down on a girl right after I shaved. I have a rule about not eating pussy that’s hairier than my face!

    • while that is often true, sometimes I like to feel a little bit of stubble rubbing against my thighs.

      • always

      • Glad you dig, Jamie. If you like the blog, you gotta check out my book “The Wingman Chronicles” and come see me live!

  2. for me, i dont want a guy near my muffin cuz its just one more guy who doesnt know what hes doing down there. i wait until i can trust him on known quantities before i let him loose in the bakery.

    i agree with your technique with the exception of “Don’t be afraid to get aggressive”. guys respond well to aggression…women dont. just becuz its aggressive doesnt mean its good. be sure to note that!

    confusion with a woman works well. keep her guessing on whats gonna happen next…tits, backdoor, vagina, thighs, lower back, behind ears, behind knees…whatever it takes…and yes the clit, alter speed, position, and intensity.

    carry on, my new friend! DT

  3. I agree with everything but the last part – if it tastes funny or smells funny I wanna know – could be something going on down there I haven’t caught yet. Keep it honest boys – I’d tell you if something wasn’t right, Of course I’m over top when it comes to my parts…my boyfriend jokes and says I keep a 5 star vagina – I keep it clean and in tip top shape – and I expect the same from him LOL

    • I agree. But I am the same.If a guy is going downtown, you better believe I’ve made sure to have prepared properly!

  4. I love your posts they are fucking amazing!! But remember ladies the man likes and deserves a good blow job too!!

  5. Haha this so reminds me of my article a girls guide to giving head. Love it! Now I need someone to read this and practice it on me.

  6. This is BY FAR my favorite of your blogs. Keep creeping and telling my friend. ❤

  7. You know what you’re talking about,i can tell!
    Love your blogs,you go James!💋

  8. Hey sweety, i found this page open on my bf’s laptop and read it out loud for both of us……let’s see if it works defnitly gave him some tips now:) Tanx

  9. Just got your book! Looking forward to reading it.

  10. James you need to print these out and pass them out to the men that come to your shows, and post this on your fb daily…some men just don’t know wtf they are doing.

    I agree with just about everything here… especially the aggressive part…lick, suck, bite, nibble, hell smack it… I like it rough 😉

    Only thing I would disagree if a girl is gross down there, there is no reason to force yourself to do it to her, I’d feel sorry for the guy. No man should have to go through that.

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