The Wingman’s Guide to Sucking Cock

If you’re sucking a guy’s dick, and he says “you’re such a whore,” that is the ultimate compliment. Like any endeavor, when it comes to blowjobs, practice makes perfect.

I know some guys will say “there’s no such thing as a bad blowjob” — all that tells me is they never never experienced truly awe-inspiring fellatio. Don’t get me wrong, any blowjob is better than no blowjob. But given the option, you want the best blowjob a dinner at a chain restaurant could buy.

You know how they say the sex is better when it’s with someone you really care about, I buy that. I agree. Connection is important. But with blowjobs, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Generally someone who really cares for you gets comfortable and lazy,  no longer putting forth her best effort when oxygen is limited.

My best blowjob came from a nasty-ass behemoth I met after a show in some sleepy little town in upstate New York. She was a fat, trashy, floozy, but the pickens were slim, and she offered to suck my cock. It was the best blowjob I ever had. It made me feel like I just brushed my teeth, but down there.

To this day, I’ll be watching a porno, jerking off to a smoking hot fake-breasted broad, and suddenly find myself thinking of that gargoyle giving me that wonderful hummer. Then as I begin to ejaculate I get depressed I allowed myself to sink to such awful depths. It’s a combination cum-cry, with a grimace of disgust thrown in.

Anyway, ladies, follow these rules and no matter how much disdain a guy may have for you, he’ll think of you every time he blows his load.

Go Deep

If you didn’t go down far enough to induce vomiting, you need to go farther. I’ve actually had that happen. I said, “Thank you. That was great. And you look amazing.”

Use Your Hands

If you’re only using your mouth, you’re doing half the work. You need to vary things by using both hands – throw a right, a left, and a knock out combination to keep us guessing.

Work the Balls

You’re swallowing up that dong, taking care of all of it, but the balls are just sitting their lonely like a the last two kids who didn’t get picked for Dodgeball.

Start by playing with the balls by gently grabbing them with your hands – not aggressively pulling – that’s just cruel. When you’re licking the base of the cock bring your tongue down to the balls, licking them, and lightly sucking on them like they’re cherry Jolly Ranchers.

Handle Ass Play on a Case by Case Basis

When you’ve gotten to the bottom of the balls and explored the taint, for me, there’s a line you don’t cross. Which means you don’t lick, finger, or stick any sort of objects (I don’t care how small), near my butthole. It wouldn’t be in your best interest. Sometimes I don’t wipe properly.

However some guys like a finger shoved up their ass during a BJ, or even a rim job. Your best bet is to ask what they’re into before you do anything in that vicinity. Don’t be embarrassed.The awkwardness works better as part of a conversation, than in a trial and error experience. Trust me.

Finish the Job

Sucking dick without swallowing is like taking your dog for a walk and not picking up its shit. Show some fucking follow through. I don’t know how your momma raised you, but in my family we were taught to take initiative, have passion, and finish what we start. When a girl doesn’t guzzle my cum I have a good mind to call her mom and find out where she went wrong.

Come Up for Air

I’m not saying stop, I’m saying vary the activity. Otherwise you’re liable to get lock jaw. Alternate sucking to licking the penis up and down with your lips. I can’t stand when girls vigorously suck my cock as fast as they could without varying the pace and position. It’s not supposed to be assembly line work, it’s an art.

 
My humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles” is now available on Amazon. Check out description, customer reviews and a free sample right here.

My filthy novel “The Wingman Chronicles”

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CREEPIN’ AT THE HOSPITAL

Sadly, no matter how good your coverage, under the current administration insurance companies refuse to offer sex workers as part of your health care package.
I don’t believe it myself, but despite my charming bravado I lack the political clout to make a difference. So it’s up to you.
If you’re laid up in a hospital, and you want the best treatment, it’s your responsibility to fight for it.
There’s nothing that will cure a man’s illness, or injury, and the mental anguish that accompanies, more than an ejaculation induced by someone other than himself. Personally, I think that should be in a nurse’s job description. They’re emptying your bed pan, why can’t they blow you, or at least administer a hand job?

She could wear a rubber glove if it’ll make her feel better.
I mean these nurses say they want to make a difference, here’s their chance. Even a good old fashioned wet dry hump will aid in your recovery.
Anyway, until nurse/whore becomes a combination occupation, the creeping is up to you and me.
Don’t be depressed. You’re in a perfect situation. Candy stripers, nurses, female doctors — anytime you’re in a spot where a girl is forced to talk to you and be nice to you, you’re in an excellent creepin’ position…
Especially when she has to be in a room alone with you. And you’re already wearing a backless gown and going commando… The progression to relations is perfectly natural. Granted the hospital personnel probably aren’t drunk while they’re working, but I think you could play the sympathy card for an easy piece of ass.
If it’s a girl with a heart (yes, some of them have one) you could coax her with your own sadness and get some pussy outta pity. Good times. Maybe one of the girls tending to you has a chemical dependency, and you could give her some of your morphine drip.
Hey, if you were in a bar wouldn’t you buy a girl a drink? It’s the same thing — hospital creepin’ currency.
Maybe you could even fake an injury, and make your move in the sponge bath. That brings back memories. No, it’s cool. I like going to the hospital. My Dad sells accident insurance so I make out pretty good.
You need to pinpoint which of the girls you’re coming in contact with are the most empathetic, because your game won’t work on a cold, hard bitch. If it’s a miserable ice queen, you could often bond with her by making fun of pathetic patients or hospital workers. She’ll like that.
You have to read the situation before you call the play, but I’ve bonded with many broads, in all venues, by creating laughs at the expense of others.
It can be a very effective technique. Girls who enjoy making themselves feel better by cutting others down behind their back is something that begins in the crib, but never ends.
So, if you’re creeping impaired and have good insurance, just fake your way into a hospital. Getting girls to talk to you won’t be hard because they don’t have a choice. Like I said, my father sells accident insurance. Hit me up, and I’ll hook you up. You won’t find many authors who look out for their readers like I do.