Cheating with a Cheating Bitch

Chrystal Rose, author of “Unfaithfully Yours,

Confessions of a Cheating Bitch”

Has anyone out there ever cheated, wanted to cheat, tried to convince themselves that what they did wasn’t cheating?

Chrystal Rose has cheated, and admits every detail about it in her newly released memoir “Unfaithfully Yours, Confessions of a Cheating Bitch,” which was released appropriately on Valentine’s Day – a day of lot of cheaters try to ease their guilt with a romantic outing with the, ahem “love of their life.”

It’s sexy, it’s raw but told in a humorous and conversational manner. Rose, aka, “The Cheating Bitch,” will be making her first foray into standup comedy with an appearance on my show in Boston, Mass. Saturday night at The Greatest Bar. Showtime is 8, and she’ll be selling and signing copies of her book after the show.

Rose offers her insight, and breaks down all things cheating in this Q & A.

What made you want to cheat?

I never really wanted to cheat, I was just young and selfish as hell! I wanted the security of the guy who’d always be there and the excitement of someone new…Basically I wanted to have my cake, eat it and lick the frosting off my fingers.

 

While you were having sex with your boyfriend did you ever yell out one of your other men’s names? What about while you were having an affair? Did you ever yell out your boyfriend’s name?

No, because I usually tried to avoid calling out names in general. Unless of course your name is “Oh my God” or “Oh fuckkk!”

You have a background as an author, blogger, and improviser, how do you feel about making your standup comedy debut in Boston? What should we expect from the Cheating Bitch?

I’m fucking petrified but excited at the same time. I’d always wanted to do standup but I never really had the time. I’m sure I’ll be nervous as hell– I always am no matter what sort of performing I’m doing. You can expect to laugh at me (maybe not my jokes), some sexiness, some filthiness and maybe even some same-sex kissing. Who knows, with the Wingman in tow– anything can happen.

What advice would you have for the young ladies out there who are interested in cheating?

Haha, I love this… Seriously I don’t condone cheating! Not only is it dishonest and selfish but it totally hinders you from being who you really are. If you don’t want to get caught– don’t cheat. But if you must– don’t be sloppy! People get caught because they leave their emails up or their sig other goes through their phone–

1. Don’t leave that shit around.

2. What are you sentimental or something?? DELETE, DELETE, DELETE. Also make sure your “Mister” knows the fucking rules. I outline those on page 147…

3. Don’t be obvious. Seriously. If you get a sketchy text or random call– don’t dive across the room to your phone. You look fucking shady.

4. Make sure your Mister/Mistress knows the damn rules– i.e. when they are and aren’t allowed to call/text if at all. This saves you from having to be on 24/7 phone watch.

5. At the very least get a bat phone but either way don’t leave that shit around and what are you sentimental or something?? DELETE, DELETE, DELETE. Don’t save anything incriminating.

6. When it comes to your alibi– Don’t just go around making shit up. If you went to a movie on the other side of town you better know what the fuck that movie was about, who was in it, what the traffic was like on the way to the theater, whether there was construction blocking the side entrance, to the nerdy teen behind the concession stand. The key here is to keep your lies as close to the truth as possible. That means if you say you’re going to the movie– go to the fucking movie. If you’re going to a certain bar– go to the fucking bar. The only lie should be about WHO you are with as opposed to what you did.

7. Don’t change. Anything. Your routine, your sex life with your sig other– not even your fucking grooming tactics. If you’re a man you’re pretty fucked because women can smell the slightest change in your demeanor. We know your habits better than you do and it’s only a matter of time before you’re fighting every second of the day–whether she thinks you’re cheating or not.

8. Keep your head in the game. Cheaters tend to project their behavior onto their sig other. Don’t accuse him/her of cheating or anything that you yourself are doing. Also, your mind will fuck with you because unless you’re a sociopath you’re going to feel somewhat guilty. Resist the urge to change your demeanor for the positive. For example if you don’t spend the night at home, you feel guilty and then come home with roses. Don’t. Fucking. Do. That.

9. Be honest with your Mister/Mistress. You’re already lying to one person– this is the person you shouldn’t have to lie to because from the get go you have nothing to lose with them. You’re going to really fuck yourself over if you try to keep track of two sets of lies.

10. Determine what you are looking to get out of cheating– Sex? Intimacy? Someone to listen to you? Whatever it is make sure that’s all you’re getting. It’s easy to get caught up in one person because they are giving you what you need, but if you aren’t going to leave the person you’re with for them– then you are going to develop an attachment on one side or the other. And that will fuck you over.

11. Personally, I think it’s better to either make it work with the one you’re with or cut it off completely if it won’t work.

What would you say it takes to really constitute cheating? E.G. Talking, cyber/sexting, making out, hooking up, going all the way.

I think cheating is straying outside the parameters of your relationship. If your sig other is okay with you making out with strangers when you are drunk then it’s not cheating. If you have a secret online relationship with someone and your partner doesn’t know about it, then that can be considered cheating. Cheating isn’t an act–it’s a betrayal. Betraying your partner constitutes cheating.

Looking back, how do you feel now about the cheating you did in your book?

I look back and see a girl who was really struggling with who she was and who she wanted to be. I wasn’t enough for myself, I didn’t feel like I was enough for my family and I wanted to be everything to everyone. I wanted to prove that I was lovable and that I could have whoever I wanted. Making men fall for me filled all the emptiness I’d had inside since I was a little girl.

Regardless of whether cheating is right or wrong it was something I needed to do and it shaped who I am today. I’m better for it and I can’t sit here and regret every horrible thing I’ve done– no one should. You can fuck up and then decide that for whatever reason you’re done. You can change yourself, your pattern, your life– whatever. You don’t have to live that way.

Have you ever been cheated on?

Yes in like middle school but it was stupid. As far as I know I haven’t been really cheated on in a grown up relationship. Though I was pretty certain an ex of mine was I just never found anything. So technically no… But let’s be serious here– who the FUCK would cheat on me??

Get your TICKETS right here to see Chrystal Rose make her standup comedy debut in Boston on my show Saturday at The Greatest Bar at 8 p.m. You could purchase a signed copy of her book after the show. Also performing are Boston area comics Theresa Condito, and Brian Pellicano.

Purchase Tickets.

Chrystal Rose’s book is available right here through Amazon.com.

“Unfaithfully Yours Confessions of a Cheating Bitch”

You could also check out sample chapters on Chrystal’s Blog.

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