Trick or Treat… Where’s the fucking trick, kid?

What happened to the days when a kid would have to earn their keep?


A group of kids just came to my door, and said “Trick or Treat.”

Well let me ask you, “Where’s the fucking trick?”

They stood around dumbfounded, holding their bags and pumpkins out as if I was going to give them something. But what did they do to earn it? I don’t care if it’s Halloween. What am I getting out of this deal?

“Don’t say ‘Trick or Treat’ to me without providing some sort of routine,” I said. “That’s just false advertising.”

They didn’t sing, they didn’t dance, there was no prepared monologue. The majority of them didn’t even say “Trick or Treat,” just stood their asking for a handout like a hobo outside a liquor store. A few of the kids were even dressed like hobos. Way to set your goals high.

Well I wouldn’t enable them. I made them watch as I devoured the delectable fun size candy bars, then sent them on their way.

“Next time, have something prepared,” I said. “Tell your parents I said that. Except you Timmy. Your mom’s hot and has a questionable reputation. Take whatever candy you want and tell her where you got it and she should feel free to come over and thank me anytime.”

Walking up to a house, ringing the doorbell, and saying “Trick or Treat,” further plays into the false praise that is given to kids every days.

Everybody gets a trophy,  nobody keeps score, everybody wins – “Trick or Treat” is simply a holiday version of a prize you didn’t earn. Why do you think so many people in this world want to be rewarded for doing nothing, and therefore sit on their ass and abuse the system?

It begins with the children. When I was a kid my grandfather told me before I’d go trick or treating that I’d be required to do something to earn my candy. Tell a joke, sing a song, do a dance – something to earn it.

So instead of being just another beggar with nothing to offer, I’d be the mime getting quarters thrown at him for either displaying his talent, or simply to go away.

One year I went house to house breaking into a stunning rendition of Guns N’ Roses “Welcome to the Jungle,” another I quoted “I’m Larry, this is my brother Daryl, and this is my other brother Daryl,” from “Newhart.” Finally I tired of riding off the coattails of famous performers and prepared my own material. Some of the parents got a little offended by my more risqué comic routines, but that prepared me for the crowds I would later face as a nightclub comic often facing rowdy drunken hecklers in small town dive bars.

If your children are going to come to my house, tell them they better have some sort of routine prepared that sets them apart from the rest. Teach them something that will serve as their “trick,” and only then will they be given their “treat.”

And if your offspring are unprepared or lacking in talent, they’ll go home without candy. Winning and losing is a lesson that needs to be learned in life. Let them learn it now, otherwise they’ll turn into a whiny, cry baby, useless adult that nobody could stand.


My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles available in EBook & paperback on Amazon.

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How to get laid on Halloween

   If you want to pick up a hottie on Halloween, you must strip her of her pussy power, before you strip her of her slutty costume...

Guys talk for months with excitement and glee about how excited they are to see broads sporting their most whorish Halloween attire.

The dudes prepare for the holiday of creepin’ by investing in a cool costume they think will catch the girl’s attention. They get their haircuts, perform the perfect maneuvering of facial hair, trim their balls and have the perfect lineup of creepin’ venues to make their move at.

It’s Halloween, and it’s on!

And what do many of these guys do when they arrive at the club, bar or party?

Hang with their group of guy friends, ogling the girls, talking about how hot they are, how sexy they dance, and what they would do to them. And what do they actually do?

Then they go home depressed, barely having even spoken to a girl, and jerk themselves to sleep. It’s pathetic.

Why would a guy go to a place full of scantily clad hos, I mean upstanding young women getting into the festive spirit, and not approach them?

It sounds like a waste of a costume, cash, and if they were the driver, gas. It’s like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet while you’re on a hunger strike.

Guys get around these hotties and become quivering babies, and that is the least attractive thing in the world to a girl. Even if a broad thinks you’re an asshole and finds you annoying, she’ll always have more respect for the guy who takes a shot than the guy who stands in the corner all night with the dudes like he’s at a junior high dance.

Girls love a guy with balls. That’s kind of hard to find these days so if you could at the very least fake like you have some, a girl who’s drunk and impressionable could buy it, and you might be lucky enough to get her in the bedroom, backseat or bathroom stall. After all it is Halloween, let’s get in the spirit.

Don’t walk up to a girl and say I like your tits, or great ass. Not because it’s rude or sexual harassment. No, no, no, because it’s what she wants you to say. Even if she acts all put off after you do, she’s secretly smiling on the inside of her slutty attire.

“Eeww… You’re gross. You have no respect for women. I hope you die” really translates to “Damn right you like my tits. They’re fucking perfect. This costume’s working. These guys all want to fuck me like an animal.”

Any girl who disputes what I’m saying, obviously has problems with the truth. But don’t give her the upper hand. Don’t make her think she’s perfect. The reason girls wear those scandalous costumes is to further enhance their pussy power. Don’t pander to it. Many girls who are only hot in makeup, stilettos and club light, grow heirs and treat guys like shit, because of the assholes that constantly swoon over them.

Make her wonder about you. Don’t fix your eyes on her tits, ass, or belly ring… Look her in the eye.

The reason is it’ll make her nervous, and therefore set you apart from the rest of the lecherous scavengers that have been questing after her. Suddenly she’ll be wondering:

“Why isn’t he looking at my boobs, why isn’t he looking at my ass, I’m dressed like a whore can’t he see that? Oh god, I look like shit. Excuse me while I go throw up.”

You made her vulnerable, downgraded her power, and gave yourself the upper hand…. You broke down the hype of the hottie. Now it’s time to carry on with a real conversation and see where the night takes you. A true player always preys on a woman’s vulnerability.

Happy Halloween! Be safe tonight… These girls are dirty.

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My filthy novel The Wingman Chronicles available in E-book & paperback on Amazon

The Wingman Chronicles on Amazon UK!