Charlie Sheen: Motivational Speaker

  By James Holeva


   One thing to be said about Charlie Sheen is he takes initiative. He doesn’t do things half-assed.

   He becomes a huge movie star at twenty-one making millions of dollars — “Platoon,” “Wall Street,” “Major League.”

   He has a penchant for whores… But he doesn’t mess with dirty, busted, street walkers… No, no… He goes for the finest… High class escorts.

   Heidi Fleiss girls… the caviar of sex workers. And he spends over fifty-grand on them.

   He comes back on television, gets on “Two and a Half Men,” which becomes the biggest hit on TV. More viewers, more money… He’s nominated for awards, and becomes the highest paid actor in the history of television.

   He descends back into booze and drugs. He’s banging seven gram rocks, ordering suitcases full of coke and doing it for days until it leads him into the hospital. He moves in with not one, but two porn star, hooker, goddesses… Whatever you want to call them.

   He publicly goes crazy… And not a little crazy like Christopher Walken or Johnny Depp… Chuck Sheen isn’t eccentric, this motherfucker goes nuts. He makes Gary Busey look like Richie Cunningham.

   Worse… He makes my exgirlfriends look normal.

   But the man takes takes initiative. He goes all the way.

   While he may lack morals, dignity, and self-respect; he’s got the initiative…

   And the way the world is right now, Charlie is to be commended for that initiative.

   I think if things don’t work out with the acting, his true calling might be to be a motivational speaker. He’d be like Tony Robbins, only from hell. After all, he is a Warlock.

   Charlie could go around to high schools, elementary schools, daycares… Because let’s face it, today’s children lack initiative, and follow through.

   These kids don’t have “one speed go,” they lack “tiger blood” and “Adonis DNA”, which is why they aren’t “winning.”

   They need The Warlock to show them how to win.

   After a talk from Charlie the kids will be putting extra time into their homework, staying after soccer practice to work on their penalty kicks, doing extra chores around the house. Granted some will become drunken, drugged up, sex addicts; but a lot of kids are gonna go that way anyway.

   With any good, there’s always a possibility of negative side effects. Take a look at Viagra… You could fuck for days on end, but you could die of a heart attack.

   My parents always taught me without risk there’s no reward.

     In all seriousness, if Charlie Sheen did a talk for a kindergarten class, by the time these young boys made it to first grade they’d be doing blow off a substitute teacher’s breast implants. Now that’s what I call “winning.” 

   Whatever path these impressionable youth may go down, after an hour with Charlie, they’ll take the initiative.  

   Do you think Charlie Sheen would be a “winning” motivational speaker? Leave comments.



  1. You are a very funny man! This was the best take on Charlie’s complete, public breakdown that I have read. Funny and original. I am adding you to my RSS feed because of this post….and you are friends with George (GPWriter). That too.

  2. Ha! This cracked me up. Naked Girl in a dress told me I should read this article because I posted on twitter that I felt like charlie sheen this morning- w/o the machete.


  3. I have been avoiding all things CS but I will make an exception for this because this is brilliant and takes motivational speaking in a whole new direction. Those assemblies used to bore the shit out of me in school, if CS walked in, I would have paid attention and done anything he told me. Great take on it!

  4. Just LOVE Charlie Sheen, that’s all =)

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