Award Winning Tale of the Toilet

I won $25,000 for blocking a toilet! Here’s my award winning essay about my cloggiest moment.

Some of you might remember that before I was “The Wingman,” my claim to fame was as the winner of the 2007 Scott Toilet Tissue Cloggiest Moment contest. Although I wrote and experienced this grimy adventure, the story is told from my Dad’s perspective.

 

by James Holeva

 

   The phone rings at 2 a.m. and it’s my panic-stricken son who just realized his greatest fear: a blocked toilet.

   My son, a lad of 23 lacking all aspects of common sense, is staying at my brother-in-law’s house in Suburban Philadelphia. He eats a lot and is known for blocking toilets. They have a newer house, equipped with low flow toilets, which never work.

   I could literally smell the intense disaster being cooked up two hours away.

   My first response is, “Did it overflow? Shut off the valve!”

   “Yeah Dad, the water’s off and it didn’t overflow,” he exclaims. “But it won’t go down. Uncle Jim is going to freak. What am I going to do?”

   My response is “You have to CHOP IT UP.”

   “With what?!” he shouts into the phone.

   “Where’s Uncle Jim,” I reply.

   “Everyone is sleeping,” my son answers.

   At this point it’s time for extreme measures to be taken.

   “Go out to the garage, and get one of Uncle Jim’s ski poles… and use that,” I tell my son.

   “What should I do with the pole after,” my son asks.

   I said, “Just put it back, he’ll never know the difference.”

   My son followed my instructions, and outside of me, my wife, daughter, and anybody I’ve ever hung out with — nobody knows my son’s tale of the toilet. My brother-in-law, however, still has no idea. In fact, I skied with Jim this weekend, and the pole still seems to work nicely.

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