Pussy Power!

   Sometimes I’m a wingman for women, too. It’s easy because they hold weapons of mass destruction between their legs.

 

The only reason women get fucked over by guys is because they don’t realize the power they have over guys. They’re stupid.

Females are in a natural position of male control and dominance because they have a weapon of mass destruction concealed conveniently between their legs. Anybody of remedial intelligence should realize by now that the pussy has the power.

The problem is so many girls meet guys who string them along for an eternity, and the ladies somehow forget that they themselves are armed and dangerous.

Don’t give me that, “who is a player like you to comment on such a situation? You’re the problem.”

No, no, no. If you’ll remember from the piece I wrote last week, I’m a high class player. What I do is not breaking a bitch, an adventure with me means everybody wins. We all get fucked… But in a good way. Remember, I’m an old school gentleman.

Sadly, though, even the most confident, self-empowered women are often allowing hack, wannabe players to control them and break them down. It’s awful when that happens because once they finally break free from their jail sentence, they’re extra careful. Even around a high class player like me who would provide her a mental orgasm to a level she could only have with another woman. It’s bad for the guys who deserve to get laid.

The biggest problem is women allow themselves to get so wrapped up in the wrong guy, and they get this idea that their man has the desirability of Johnny Depp, or me. That usually isn’t the case. These broads go into a constant negative mode saying:

“He’s with another girl. I know he’s with another girl. He’s done with me. I’m never gonna hear from him again.”

It’s been twenty minutes.

“I just know he’s fucking somebody. I know he fucks other girls all the time.”

ME: “Is he good looking?”

GIRL: “No. “

ME: “Is he rich?”

GIRL: “No.”

ME: “Is he smart?”

GIRL: “No.”

ME: “Is he smooth?”

GIRL: “No.”

ME: “Is he confident?”

GIRL: “No.”

ME: “Does he have a cool job with mystique and/or financial potential?”

GIRL: “No.”

ME: “Does he have game?”

GIRL: “No.”

So where is this Warren Beatty appeal that’s wrangling all the pussy?

It all comes from the challenge to please a guy that seems at times like he can’t live without you, and moments later like he never wants to see you again. Girls utilize a hot and cold strategy just as much as guys, except guys don’t have an almighty vagina to hold over the girls.

First off, why the fuck do you care about this guy? And second, what makes you believe that any other girl could actually be interested in him?

Girls always have a feeling that the guy, who won’t make it official, is out trying to hook up with other girls. And he is. He wants to prove to himself that he could get other ass. Some guys can, but in a lot of cases, these guys could try all they want but just can’t close.

A female friend of mine was having some problems with a dude who didn’t want to commit. Although I’m not about commitment right now, I did my best to be my friend’s wingman, so I said “why don’t you just step up and cut him off for a while?”

She said, “My greatest fear is that if I cancel on him now, he’ll just end up fucking somebody else.”

I’m like “You know it’s really not that easy.” He’s way more likely to be jealous that you’ll hookup with somebody else. It’s so much easier for a girl to get laid. Pretty much any girl could call up a random guy and get laid anytime she wants.

GIRL: “Hey Billy, this is Tina. You don’t know me, but I was thinking maybe I could come over and suck your dick… Would that work for you?”

GUY: “Ugh, yeah… My Momma still up but she go to bed by midnight. Actually come over now and I’ll slip some drugs in her cup a’ tea so she pass out. Momma got the bed in the house, so I’ll put her on the stoop.”

Unless you’re a celebrity or a sultan, it’s not so easy for guys. I know how to creep, I’ve been with a lot of chicks. But it’s still rare to be able to call a girl… No date, no woo, and just fast forward to fucking.

I can’t call a girl and be like: “Yo Nikki, it’s James. I was thinking I’d come over and blow my load in your face tonight. No, no dinner. I already ate. I just wanna pin your knees behind your ears.”

Yeah, that’s not happening. The pussy has the power. When you ladies start realizing your pussy has the power you’ll eliminate a vast abundance of relationship drama, and be free to enjoy the limitless control you have over guys.

If you want to regain the power, it’s time for a time out.

I do it with drunken strippers who cause an embarrassing scene and yack in my car, and you could do it with your indecisive man. How will he ever learn without discipline?

All you have to do is nothing. The next time he contacts you – text, Facebook, email, phone, Skype, smoke signals, singing telegram – you ignore him for twenty-four hours from that moment. But if that twenty-four hours takes you into the wee hours of the night, you round to the next day, in the afternoon.

You don’t want to make contact in the middle of the night because that’s a sign of weakness. It shows you’re lonely, alone, and thinking about him. Early morning doesn’t work either because that shows him you wake up and he’s the first thing on your mind.

I know you’re going to look for ways to skate around this. You’ll rationalize: “I didn’t text him, I emailed him… He saw I was in the Facebook chat… I answered the phone but that’s because I answered real quick and couldn’t see who it was.”

Those are weak excuses, and if you continue to act weak on your own, how could you ever take the power in this relationship tug o’ war?

Why Time Out?

It will shift the struggle for power. He’ll be blowing up your phone, and his stomach will be in knots because he’ll be scared to death that you’re in the throes of passion with another gentleman caller. Remember, it’s so much easier for a girl to get laid. And even if they won’t admit it every guy knows the pussy has the power.

Text Decoy

When trying to play it cool or conduct a time out, girls and guys; we all have a roller coaster ride of emotions  going through our bodies that keeps us on the edge of a breakdown making it nearly impossible to not make contact. You’ll find yourself wanting to say everything from “I love you,” to “I hope your dick falls off and burns from all the dirty whores you’re fucking.”

You know some things nice, others, a little hurtful. Relationships are tough.

Since your feelings will be erratic and those messages might not better your situation, you need to find yourself a text decoy.

Whatever you want to say, say to a good friend instead. You could even have them respond in character. I did the same with my friend Brian. All was going great until Brian’s wife read some of the messages. She was pissed.

Last time I went over there she tried to videotape me. I said “No! Absolutely not! I am not like that… No way I’m doing it on film.”

What… She made a good dinner. And Brian is very good looking. And big. I’m still sore.

Relax, I’m just joking. Somebody has to break the tension of  the relationship wars. There’s nothing homoerotic in this player’s life.

Online marketing  

   It’s amazing how the most meaningless Facebook status or tweet could turn even the toughest guy into a little bitch. It’s even more amazing how despite what many women go through with a guy, they’re still afraid to post even the most innocent status. Do it.

Mention you’re out doing something with a guy friend, say you’re spending the night clubbin’, out for sushi… Have male friends comment on your page.

I’ve known some girls who were so nervous that guy friends would leave an innocent Facebook comment about meeting up, or whatever, and they’d immediately delete it. That doesn’t sound like the behavior of someone who deserves to win the war.

If you want power, punish him. If you’re afraid to hurt him, then you’re weak and obviously don’t deserve power. You’re always thinking a move like that will drive him away, but in actuality, it’ll pull him much closer.  People are as powerful as they feel inside.

Play like you just don’t care

    The problem is things are going to start going well and it’s going to feel so wonderful, and you’re going to want more than anything to make a spontaneous grand gesture for him. Do not! It will only put you right back where you started, and you’ll again be fighting to regain power.

Sometimes you gotta whack a guy.

   Sometimes you could strike, take over the power, and the guy will actually step up and be who you want him to be. More often, however, the situation is not going to change. The guy will fear losing you and it will shift briefly, and then it’ll flip right back. History will continue to repeat itself, and the cycle of hell will continue. You could usually tell fairly quickly if that’s what’s going on, and if that’s the situation it’s time to make the problem go away.

I’m not saying kill him, that could be hard to get out of and hitmen can’t always be trusted. But it’s time to say goodbye.

You’ll leave with power… But you must move on with no contact whatsoever. You’re like a drug addict, who just got released from rehab, and must totally abstain to stay clean. Addicts tend to think they could still snort a line of coke socially and keep it in moderation. They can’t. Must we reference Charlie Sheen. Well if you want to be winning, and the situation isn’t right, you’ll whack the guy for good.

My humorous, erotic, autobiographical novel “The Wingman Chronicles” is now available on Amazon. Check out description, customer reviews and a free sample right here.

My filthy novel “The Wingman Chronicles.”

In the UK get “The Wingman Chronicles” right here.

The Wingman: High Class Player Teaser

By James Holeva

I may be a player, but I’m not “The Situation,” I’m Sinatra.

Just because I enjoy the company of many different women, and I have the skills to make that happen, don’t lump me in with those those low class, hack, wannabe Jersey Shore type players. I’m a high class player with the swagger and style of an old-school gentleman.

Like The Ratpack making the rounds in Vegas… What I may lack in crooning ability, I make up for by knowing what to say.

You’ll often hear a girl preach to a friend about the ills of a player, but ladies, why wouldn’t you want a player?

He knows how to treat a lady, woo a lady, fuck a lady…

Would you prefer a man who knows what he’s doing or a bumbling idiot who has no idea what to say or how to act? Let alone where to put his dick, or how to use his tongue?

Sex is one thing. A skilled lover is nice. But do you want a charming guy with confidence and swagger who knows how to open the door, compliment you, and sweep you off your feet? Or do you want a guy who doesn’t have the balls to look you in the eye, and make a move?

In most jobs, they look for real world business experience, why should dating be any different?

Look for “The Wingman Chronicles” hitting book stores in next year to read the rest of the story!

Charlie Sheen Talks to Kindergarten Class Teaser

By James Holeva

CHARLIE: PART 2 (Sequel to Charlie Sheen: Motivational Speaker)

I don’t know if you noticed but Charlie Sheen has been in the media a lot lately. Being that I have yet to see a comedian, talk show host, columnist, blogger,  or even a person talking with their friends provide commentary on Charlie, I felt it was my duty to be the one to break the ice.

I did so with a blog entry I posted on Saturday entitled: “Charlie Sheen: Motivational Speaker.”

I mentioned that due to the man’s intense initiative, if the acting doesn’t work out Charlie should speak to school children, in an effort to motivate them to be a bit more “winning.” A lot of people shared with me how boring they remember their school assemblies being, but if the man with tiger blood and Adonis DNA walked in they most certainly would have perked up, listened and adhered to his advice. After all, he is a Warlock.

Here is an excerpt of a motivational speech Charlie Sheen would provide to a kindergarten class.

CHARLIE: “Children a lot of you are obviously trolls and clowns, but I’m here to expose you to magic and provide you with a performance enhancing drug called Charlie Sheen. While I have tiger blood and Adonis DNA, you have rabbit blood and Snooki DNA.

I fucked Snooki by the way. She didn’t want any money, but I felt better paying.

Look for “The Wingman Chronicles” hitting book stores in next year to read the rest of the story!

Charlie Sheen: Motivational Speaker

  By James Holeva

 

   One thing to be said about Charlie Sheen is he takes initiative. He doesn’t do things half-assed.

   He becomes a huge movie star at twenty-one making millions of dollars — “Platoon,” “Wall Street,” “Major League.”

   He has a penchant for whores… But he doesn’t mess with dirty, busted, street walkers… No, no… He goes for the finest… High class escorts.

   Heidi Fleiss girls… the caviar of sex workers. And he spends over fifty-grand on them.

   He comes back on television, gets on “Two and a Half Men,” which becomes the biggest hit on TV. More viewers, more money… He’s nominated for awards, and becomes the highest paid actor in the history of television.

   He descends back into booze and drugs. He’s banging seven gram rocks, ordering suitcases full of coke and doing it for days until it leads him into the hospital. He moves in with not one, but two porn star, hooker, goddesses… Whatever you want to call them.

   He publicly goes crazy… And not a little crazy like Christopher Walken or Johnny Depp… Chuck Sheen isn’t eccentric, this motherfucker goes nuts. He makes Gary Busey look like Richie Cunningham.

   Worse… He makes my exgirlfriends look normal.

   But the man takes takes initiative. He goes all the way.

   While he may lack morals, dignity, and self-respect; he’s got the initiative…

   And the way the world is right now, Charlie is to be commended for that initiative.

   I think if things don’t work out with the acting, his true calling might be to be a motivational speaker. He’d be like Tony Robbins, only from hell. After all, he is a Warlock.

   Charlie could go around to high schools, elementary schools, daycares… Because let’s face it, today’s children lack initiative, and follow through.

   These kids don’t have “one speed go,” they lack “tiger blood” and “Adonis DNA”, which is why they aren’t “winning.”

   They need The Warlock to show them how to win.

   After a talk from Charlie the kids will be putting extra time into their homework, staying after soccer practice to work on their penalty kicks, doing extra chores around the house. Granted some will become drunken, drugged up, sex addicts; but a lot of kids are gonna go that way anyway.

   With any good, there’s always a possibility of negative side effects. Take a look at Viagra… You could fuck for days on end, but you could die of a heart attack.

   My parents always taught me without risk there’s no reward.

     In all seriousness, if Charlie Sheen did a talk for a kindergarten class, by the time these young boys made it to first grade they’d be doing blow off a substitute teacher’s breast implants. Now that’s what I call “winning.” 

   Whatever path these impressionable youth may go down, after an hour with Charlie, they’ll take the initiative.  

   Do you think Charlie Sheen would be a “winning” motivational speaker? Leave comments.

Creepin’ at the Hospital Teaser

How do you get laid, while you’re laid up?

 

Sadly, no matter how good your coverage, under the current administration insurance companies refuse to offer sex workers as part of your health care package.

I don’t believe it myself, but despite my charming bravado I lack the political clout to make a difference. So it’s up to you.

If you’re laid up in a hospital, and you want the best treatment, it’s your responsibility to fight for it.

There’s nothing that will cure a man’s illness, or injury, and the mental anguish that accompanies, more than an ejaculation induced by someone other than himself. Personally, I think that should be in a nurse’s job description. They’re emptying your bed pan, why can’t they blow you, or at least administer a hand job?

She could wear a rubber glove if it’ll make her feel better.

I mean these nurses say they want to make a difference, here’s their chance. Even a good old fashioned wet dry hump will aid in your recovery.

Anyway, until nurse/whore becomes a combination occupation, the creeping is up to you and me.

Look for “The Wingman Chronicles” hitting book stores in next year to read the rest of the story!

Award Winning Tale of the Toilet

I won $25,000 for blocking a toilet! Here’s my award winning essay about my cloggiest moment.

Some of you might remember that before I was “The Wingman,” my claim to fame was as the winner of the 2007 Scott Toilet Tissue Cloggiest Moment contest. Although I wrote and experienced this grimy adventure, the story is told from my Dad’s perspective.

 

by James Holeva

 

   The phone rings at 2 a.m. and it’s my panic-stricken son who just realized his greatest fear: a blocked toilet.

   My son, a lad of 23 lacking all aspects of common sense, is staying at my brother-in-law’s house in Suburban Philadelphia. He eats a lot and is known for blocking toilets. They have a newer house, equipped with low flow toilets, which never work.

   I could literally smell the intense disaster being cooked up two hours away.

   My first response is, “Did it overflow? Shut off the valve!”

   “Yeah Dad, the water’s off and it didn’t overflow,” he exclaims. “But it won’t go down. Uncle Jim is going to freak. What am I going to do?”

   My response is “You have to CHOP IT UP.”

   “With what?!” he shouts into the phone.

   “Where’s Uncle Jim,” I reply.

   “Everyone is sleeping,” my son answers.

   At this point it’s time for extreme measures to be taken.

   “Go out to the garage, and get one of Uncle Jim’s ski poles… and use that,” I tell my son.

   “What should I do with the pole after,” my son asks.

   I said, “Just put it back, he’ll never know the difference.”

   My son followed my instructions, and outside of me, my wife, daughter, and anybody I’ve ever hung out with — nobody knows my son’s tale of the toilet. My brother-in-law, however, still has no idea. In fact, I skied with Jim this weekend, and the pole still seems to work nicely.

Thanks Weakender!

 My Free Publicity Acceptance Speech

 

   Although I was unaware of it, I have been receiving a great deal of free publicity, and I couldn’t be more honored. 

   A blog called TheWeakender.Blogspot.com was brought to my attention Monday night. Apparently, this blog has been kind enough to give me free publicity related to the column I wrote for Northeastern Pa. arts and entertainment weekly The Weekender from September 2009 through March 2010.

    It seems the purpose of this blog, which is operated by a fella who calls himself Head Rantketeer , is to criticize everything about The Weekender. Since launching in October, Mr. Rantketeer has been mentioning my former column “The Wingman Chronicles,” but as I am not terribly web savvy I just saw this for the first time last night when a friend sent it to me.

    The blogger was kind enough to include the following in his writing.

   “A couple months ago, the Weekender was home to a column called The Wingman Chronicles. It was, if I can be polite, the most vile piece of garbage ever to be put to newsprint. It was a sexist, misogynistic story of a 30-something man who tries to get other men laid by sharing details of his sexual exploits. Stories included him having sex with a woman in a pool of another man’s semen and committing statutory rape with a underage girl he took across state lines into New York City. I am not making these stories up. These were actually published in the Weekender. It was meant to be a humor column, but it was actually sickeningly repulsive.

   “Then, suddenly, almost out of the blue, The Wingman Chronicles was gone. It disappeared without notice and without a trace. That second one was literal as all mention of the column was removed from even the Weekender’s website. It was a thermonuclear attack on the Wingman, and not a speck of him was left.
   “I took this as a positive sign for the Weekender. Sure, they did publish the Wingman’s column, one that was horrible both in terms of content and how the content was delivered. But they eventually came to their senses, realized that the column had no redeeming value either as humor or as entertainment, and then got rid of it.”

   Mr. Rantketeer also was nice enough to include:

   “It appears that the rampant misogyny, pig-headedness, and down right lack of humor of the Wingman was not the issue with his dismissal.”

   And of course, the very complimentary: 

   “I can’t believe I am going to complement the Wingman, but his stories had a beginning, a middle and an end. And everything he put in the story — for the most part — served to move the plot along.”

   This blogger even asked if anyone knew the drama surrounding my sudden dismissal, to please email him.

    I am personally honored my column still has such an impact. I’ve been busy with other projects and promotion, not to mention all the creepin’, but my column has been absent from The Weekender for almost a full year. I have so many people I’d like to thank.

  Of course, Michael Lello, the former Weekender editor, who gave me the opportunity to write this irreverent column. He did an excellent job editing my work, and allowed me to be as truthful and raw as the paper could allow. His leaving The Weekender is a major loss for the paper.

   Of course, my friend Ralphie Aversa of 97 BHT, who gave me more than two years of publicity via a weekly segment called Wingman Wednesday that aired weekly on his Ralphie Radio Show.

   And I cannot forget the Times Leader publishers, whose names I’m not aware of, but were kind enough to go out of their way to suddenly banish my popular column from the paper on my birthday… Even going as far as to not only discontinue the column, but to immediately remove all of my archives from the website. Thank you so much.

   I appreciate that. Apparently, it increased the Wingman hype dramatically, and I didn’t even have to do any work. Nice!

   As for the Weakender blog and its operator Mr. Head Rantketeer, please continue exactly what you’re doing. Anybody who knows me knows having a career that first began as a standup comedian while I was still in high school; I enjoy a good roast… From the old school Dean Martin roasts, to the raunchy Friar’s Club and Comedy Central roasts of today. We only roast the ones we love, so thanks again!

   I know I’ve truly made it now… This is almost as good as tabloid allegations of homosexuality. I’m gracious to anyone who’s kind enough to provide me with such excellent publicity, free of charge.

   Oh, because I want the best for your site, I just wanted to say first off… Although I do go by The Wingman and the column was called The Wingman Chronicles… It is not a secret alias, it’s a brand. Every piece I wrote for The Weekender, which includes the column as well as various features, were credited to my birth name James Holeva.

   And while I continue to utilize The Wingman brand, on radio appearances, personal appearances, anywhere I appear, as well as using it when I write material that fits the brand…  I am always billed as “The Wingman James Holeva.”

    Second, you had said in your blog that I was in my thirties, I’m actually 27 and was 26 when I wrote for The Weekender. The column last published on March 10, 2010, which was my twenty-seventh birthday.

   Third, the piece that you’re referencing where you said I snuck an underage girl over state lines to New York to commit statutory rape never ran in The Weekender. It is a short story I wrote more than a year before the column launched, and while I am immensely proud of the way I wrote it and the creepin’ itself, it would’ve been deemed too offensive to print in The Weekender. However, you’ll be able to find it in my book, The Wingman Chronicles, a memoir which is currently in the works.

   Also, if you take another look at the piece you’ll realize the sixteen year old I hooked up with I met while I was in New York City… I had actually gone to New York for a wedding with an adult woman from Pennsylvania. The minor was hanging out at the hotel after her prom. We had a great time. That story and all my Weekender Wingman Chronicles Archives are available on my blog… http://www.wingmanchronicles.wordpress.com.

   And for future reference, sneaking a minor across state lines from Pennsylvania to New York would make no sense because last I checked the age of consent in Pennsylvania is sixteen years old, while it remains seventeen in New York.

   Of course, I have snuck underage girls from New York to Pennsylvania, but not the other way around. Again, you’ll be able to read about these shenanigans in my book.

   (Disclaimer: Having sex with a minor is completely legal provided they have reached the age of consent, and it is consensual sex without money changing hands. As long as the adult isn’t acting as a pimp, or john… Isn’t videotaping, or photographing nude or explicit images… Isn’t seen as an authority figure — a teacher, coach, babysitter. And isn’t providing drugs, alcohol, nicotine, or firearms, he or she is certainly within their legal rights to enjoy the uncouth adventure.)

   Again, I’m just trying to make sure that your reporting is accurate so you could make the Weakender blog as truthful and honorable as I’m sure you aspire for it to be.

   By the way, if you’d like to give my television pilot “The Wingman” any free publicity, I’d be very appreciative. Here’s the trailer.

   I hope you’ll come out to see me do standup sometime, and if you feel you’d like to give me even more publicity, I’d be much obliged to your good will.

   I also must address that I noticed in the comments section somebody accused me of writing The Weakender Blog. While I am now a fan, I am not involved in any way, and just found out about it myself Monday night.

    Here’s what the ANONYMOUS comment entailed:

   “Wow, WINGMAN. Referencing Sorry Mom and Dad and Justin Brown just proves you are bitter that someone got a column after you. Such a bitterness that as soon as his column starts, you start this blog. Well it was time for the WINGMAN to make room for the MAIN MAN. Deal with it.”

   Whatever anonymous person wrote that comment obviously doesn’t know me, because:

   A: I would never spend any time writing, creating, or performing anything without taking credit for it by name, because I love attention.

   And B: I am awful with any type of technology, and anything computer or web related , and I wouldn’t be able to figure out how to create a blog that looks as good as TheWeakender.Blogspot.com

   The blogger responded with:

   “So, you think I’m the Wingman!?!?! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Listen, I know you hate the blog, but there’s no need to get insulting.

For the record, I am NOT the Wingman. And the thought of that makes me want to take a shower. The Wingman is/was just as bad as Justin is. On subject matter, he was far worse. Justin, as of yet, has not written about having sex in a pool of another man’s semen or taking an underage girl across state lines to have sex with her. So Justin, while repulsive and disgusting in topics, has a ways to go to match Wingman. However, from a technical standpoint, the Wingman is a better writer than Justin. Which isn’t saying much, because a monkey hammering away at a type would write better than Justin.

So, it pretty much is a wash between the two. Both are self-promoting, misogynistic yahoos who have no business being in an arts and entertainment weekly. Because neither is as funny or as entertaining as they think they are.

   But hey, since you are such a fan of Justin, god know why, maybe you can peruse the other posts. I talk about him in just about each an every one.spread the comment love around!

And thanks for reading!”

    All I could say is thank you again for continuing to reference me almost a year after my column last ran in The Weekender. And I think it’s great that you provide a link for author  Brandon Halsey… He’s a good friend of mine, and a terrific writer, who I always enjoy reading.

   Check him out, buy his book, and enter his world!

   http://www.brandonhalsey.com

   Oh, since you’ve been following my work for so long, if you’d like to check out the writing of another Holeva, here’s my sister Jessie Holeva’s fashion blog http://www.Trendhungry.com.

   She, too, is a fan of your blog and would appreciate any free publicity you’d like to throw her way. Good luck!

   Thank You,

   James Holeva

   Facebook.com/JamesHoleva

   Twitter.com/WingmanBiz

   Funnyordie.com/TheWingman